"explore various cultures" - WHAT DO YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE AT BU?

Prompt: Given what you know about Boston University, what do you hope to accomplish as an undergraduate here? Please respond in an essay of no more than 500 words.

During my 4 years at Boston University, I hope to explore various cultures and make an impact on my life and the university. Being raised in Orange County, CA my life has been very one-way and narrow-minded; at BU I want to reach outside of my comfort zone and experience new people, new activities, and a new way of life. By graduation, I hope to see the world outside of the "Orange Curtain" in a new light.

As a political science major I intend on challenging myself in a wide array of classes that will test my knowledge and prepare me for law school. When the opportunity arises I want to participate in one of Boston Universities UROP research projects that will allow me to work alongside some of the most respected and talented professors at BU. I would be honored to assist them in continuing their efforts to expand their knowledge through research. Also, sometime during my years at BU, I would like to take advantage of their International Programs by studying in cities such as Istanbul, Turkey or Rome, Italy. This would be a great opportunity to examine different customs and cultures while exercising the skills and knowledge I have obtained in the classroom.

Being a part of student government or a sorority at BU would be the icing on the cake. This experience would allow me to share my ideas with the student body, meet new people, and adjust to a new pace of life. Joining student government would also enable me to give back to BU whether it is by organizing campus events or by simply being a role model for other students. Leadership and community service have always been a priority of mine; as the president of the United Nations Children's Fund (UNICEF) Club and Red Cross Club at my school I have committed myself to many hours of service towards these causes. At BU I fully intend on getting involved in UNICEF Campus Initiative and Red Cross Volunteers to continue my humanitarian work throughout college. Further into my years at BU I hope to start my own service organization or become a leader in an existing organization.

I hope that Boston University will help me achieve independence by teaching me how to stand on my own feet. I will be thousands of miles away from any family, so I believe that BU will assist my transition into a responsible adult. Upon graduation from Boston University I want to ensure my family and myself that I am strong enough to tackle the problems life throws at me in a mature way. Overall, I hope to achieve success at Boston University by working hard and diligently in school while taking advantage of some of the exciting opportunities that BU offers its students.

Word Count: 505

What parts should I take out?
I think i've explained myself pretty well.
In red are the REASONS i want to do whatever it is i want to do.

I don't think you should take out anything but you could transform some sentences to make them less generic and more personal. For example, your first sentence is probably the goal of at least 100 other applicants: how are you different from them?

This will help you to look more unique and more valuable as a prospective student, and to catch the eye of the admission officer who is going to read this.

Try to indirectly tell them why they schould take you and not any other dude!
I would also forget the "if" and replace them by "when".
Good luck!

thank you!
i will work on that and post up my revision asap.
which other sentences do you think i need to work on?

This experience will allow me to share my ideas with the students of BU
because this needs a noun

whether it is by organizing campus events or by simply being a role model for other students. Further into my years at BU

Also, do you have to mention about your GPA? why don't you rather talk about your personl intellectul goal to pursue in BU?

hope that helps

hey everyone! please give me some suggestions on how I can improve my essay!
Thank you :)

what really intrigues me about your essay is that you thirst for independence and it seems like you really want to travel. you should expand on this to emphasize you have a strong interest for that. it seems like right now you are jumping from idea to idea and i don't get a strong sense of what you are really passionate about and why BU will help you achieve your goals. I think you should spend some time reflecting on what in particular BU will do for you. I think you have some really good ideas so far though, like diversity and independence.

please please please could you give me some feedback on my essay to georgetown? i would really appreciate it!

thank you! it's hard to fit in so much detail within the 500 word limit. what do you think i should take out?

and sure, i'll take a look at it.

I like the changes you have made. there is definitely a more unified theme, of you gaining independence and perspective by going to BU. While you show what you want to get involved in, I think you should work on emphasizing what makes BU different from most colleges, is it the research opportunities for example? Also, I know it doesn't ask for it, but throwing in more about what you plan on doing regarding political science at BU would show them that you have passion for the subject as well. This is a lot to include in such a small number of words, but basically think about what you can offer BU and why you would be the perfect match for them, because a lot of the things you listed about BU could be said about many other colleges

i listed what i wanted to do with my political science major in my personal statement...i assume that the same person is going to be reading all my essays so i didn't want to repeat myself too much. but i'll keep working on it and i'll post what i come up with. thank you!!