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Extracurricular activity elaboration--"Project Green"


ebby2010 10 / 51  
Oct 24, 2009   #1
This is my short answer for the common app that asks to elaborate on an extracurricular activity.
I am 7 words over the limit as of now...

i'm sure there are at least some revisions to be made. any suggestions are greatly appreciated! =D

Out of all the extracurricular activities I am involved in, Project Green is by far my favorite. I was introduced to Project Green during my junior year of high school when a friend suggested I join. I was reluctant at first, because I had never really been the "environmentalist" type. After I joined, however, my view completely changed. While cleaning up parks with my fellow Project Green members one Saturday morning, I was astounded at how vastly a small group of people could make a difference; I was motivated to do more. The following year, I was elected Vice President of Project Green and was more involved than ever. I initiated the making of a community garden outside of our high school and raised awareness around the Dallas community. Project Green has helped me understand that with commitment and time, a simple effort can turn out to be a huge accomplishment.

any suggestion on how i could shorten the essay to meet the word limit (150) while simultaneously making the answer stronger?

qomoco 24 / 107  
Oct 24, 2009   #2
While cleaning up local parks with my fellow Project Green members, I was astounded at how vastly a small group of people could make a difference; I was motivated to do more. The following year, I became Vice President of Project Green and was more involved than ever

maybe somehow reverse the sentence order? what astounded you and what motivated

I don't really know how to though

for example

like umm... "x was killed by y" to "y killed x". that shortens the sentence.
OP ebby2010 10 / 51  
Oct 24, 2009   #3
thats a good idea, but it doesnt really work with those sentences because i'm trying to say that the experience i had while cleaning parks motivated me to do more and become VP. i dont know how i could reverse that and it still make sense... i'll work on that.

so as far as the rest of the essay goes, do you think everything flows nicely?

thanks for the suggestion! =)
jelly 5 / 11  
Nov 4, 2009   #4
Just cut down the sentence:Out of all the extracurricular activities I am involved in, Project Green is by far my favorite.

anyway, your essay is fine,but not impressive. On offense.
I guess you'd better add some concrete into your essay~~

good luck!
OP ebby2010 10 / 51  
Nov 4, 2009   #5
i wish i had read the last two comments before i submitted my apps. DX
well, its too late for EA apps, but i'll rewrite it for my other apps. thanks guys! =)


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