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'all of my failures centered around one thing, learning' FSU Admissions Essay



annahpyra 2 / 5  
Sep 28, 2012   #1
Okay the topic is:

Florida State University is more than just a world-class academic institution preparing you for a future career. We are a caring community of well-rounded individuals who embrace leadership, learning, service, and global awareness. With this in mind, which of these characteristics appeal most to you and why?

Any other ideas, critiques, anything you guys have would be helpful! Thanks :)

I have always been told that "if you try your hardest you're still a winner". That concept has always been a hard one for me to swallow, how is it that I can place dead last in my 6th grade spelling bee because I stumbled over the spelling of "convenience" and still be considered a winner? Not to mention the embarrassing 9th grade Student Council elections where I lost by a landslide. How is that considered winning? I later realized that all of my failures centered around one thing, learning.

This realization came to me during my first two years in high school. I had attended a small private school for most of my life, where I was able to be at the top of my class given the extremely small class sizes and the little variety of classes available. Once I stepped foot into high school and began to take honors and AP classes and finally started challenging myself, I increasingly became aware that I couldn't be number one in the class. There was always someone beating me. I received a 92 on my Chemistry final exam sophomore year that I spent hours studying for, but naturally I was beat by the genius in teenage form that just simply showed up on test day. However, I was learning. I wasn't just learning knowledge that you get out of the textbook, but from not being the best and being able to learn from this.

I will probably never be the best at anything, but I'm completely okay with that. If I'm able to learn, retain information, and grow from my experiences what else do I need? Florida State will allow me to further embrace my learning skills and learn that it's okay to not be the best, as long as I give it all I have. After all life is just one, big learning experience.

vishnuv1228 2 / 2  
Sep 30, 2012   #2
Maybe try adding an explicit statement about which characteristic you are talking about. Also try varying your sentence lengths and using different syntactic structures such as the semicolon. I like your approach to this topic, the idea works well and your writing is solid.
OP annahpyra 2 / 5  
Oct 3, 2012   #3
Thank you so much! I'll definitely look into that.
ahoogland 1 / 4  
Oct 28, 2012   #4
I have always been told that "if you try your hardest you're still a winner".

Here are your options:
I have always been told "If you try your hardest you're still a winner"
OR I have always been told that if you try your hardest you're still a winner.
Some of your sentence structures seem a little informal and lengthy. I would try clearing up some of the longer, more comma-cluttered ones.

Deadline soon!


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