Fall 2009: UCF ADMISSIONS ESSAY. 2 questions only.

Hi, I am applying to UCF as a transfer student for Fall 2009. I am only required to answer 2 questions, but I figured I would answer at least three of the four questions and use the best two. That is were you guys come in, Please Help!!! I REALLY want to get in I hope my essay helps. Thanks everyone for any help!!!

3. Why did you choose to apply to UCF?

The ultimate, future-seeking question, "Where do you plan to attend college?" This can be such a complex question, yet for me the answer was, "The University of Central Florida!" I recently took a trip to Orlando and I explored the main campus for UCF, I felt a natural pull to the campus. After completing an extensive and thorough research, I discovered UCF's Biology B.S. program offers a chance to be a member of The UCF Biology Graduate Student Association (BGSA). BGSA is an active organization, participating in beach cleanups, volunteer activities, and social gatherings. My ambition is to be a Doctor of Pharmacy, and the Biology B.S. program and the BGSA organization offered allows me to follow a track of courses and electives to satisfy professional school requirements all while earning a Biology degree.

The location of UCF is what also pleased me about this school. It is situated in the center of a thriving metropolis filled with prospective job opportunities through summer internships and work study programs. UCF's proximity to a variety of attractions from themed parks to quiet vacation get-aways keeps students energized and eager to be apart of the community.

I have the ability to choose where my advanced schooling comes from, and the quality of education I will receive at UCF sets the foundations so I can become successful in my chosen career path.

I view an obstacle as an unrecognized opportunity. At the very tender age of three, I learned my older sister Katy was not your normal four year old.

I am the second of three girls, I did not realize how hard it was for me not to have that "older sister support."

This sentence is not complete, (above). For example, you could change it to; "As the second of three girls, I did not at first realize how hard it would be for me not to have..."

"I unconscientiously..." This actually works, but did you mean to say "unconsciously?"

Currently, the hurdle I am overcoming is my rejections to Pharmacy School. I was sadly disappointed in myself and my confidence was faltering.

I have ability to choose where my advanced schooling comes from, and the quality of education I will receive at UCF sets the foundations so I can become successful in my chosen career path.

All three of these are pretty great, you are an excellent writer.
I like the second choice for an ending sentence for the first essay.

If I had to choose two of the three, I would go with 2 and 3, only because #1 is not as upbeat, because of the part about your rejection from pharmacy school, although the part about your sister shows what kind of person you are, and what a great supportive family you come from, which is also important.

Good luck in school, though from what I see here, I think you'll do just fine!
:)

Thanks for feedback!

I will go with questions 2 and 3 as well as use the suggested corrections. I also tweaked it a bit. Does it flow?

2. How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?

The Caribbean influence in my family environment sculpted me into the distinctive individual I am today. My father and mother immigrated to the United States from Guyana, and I will be the first American daughter in my family to go to college. My sisters and I were raised in a loving and very strict West Indian home in Queens, New York, where there was a constant exposure to other West Indians. However, growing up in Huntsville, Alabama and Seminole, Florida, while I was a teenager, made it hard to identify with our heredity; luckily, my parents cleverly integrated their culture to develop the roots of our individuality. We would sing and dance to Indian and Soca music, and watch Indian films. My parents utilized our ethnicity to help us mature and discover the heart of who we are as a person and in our society. We were taught to respect our elders and help those who cannot help themselves. The cultural traditions my parents have bestowed upon me, awards me with a strong appreciation for family and kinship values, community cohesion, and moral issues that includes responsibility and accountability for myself. Coming from a unique nationality, my family encourages me to embrace different languages, religions, principles, sports and other forms of self-expression. My parents have taught me to honor the legacy of my culture and use it to showcase my creative energies. My heritage is a dynamic force that embodies who I am; it enables me to maintain a positive sense of worth, self respect and dignity. The Caribbean influences my parents instilled in my life are characterized by positive optimism and inspiration as well as to improve the quality of my life and the people in it.

However, growing up as a teenager in Huntsville, Alabama and Seminole, Florida made it hard to...

The Caribbean influence my parents instilled in my life are characterized by positive optimism and inspiration as well as to improve the quality of my life and the people in it.

This can be such a complex question, yet for me the answer was...

(no need for commas around "for me"...)

Hey the one about why you chose that school will be a LOT more powerful if you quote a faculty member from the school's biology program -- show that you are so motivated that you even read about what the teachers at the school say about things related to your aspirations. I think you should NOT say this: I discovered UCF offers a Biology B.S....EVERY school offers that!! :) So, find something about this school that makes it just right for you as an aspiring pharmacist.

You can say you discovered (something great) about their biology program...

Hey, that second paragraph is great! It shows your ambition, and you have well structured sentences. No need for a comma in this one, though:

UCF's proximity to a variety of attractions from themed parks to quiet vacation get-aways keeps students energized and eager to be apart of the community .