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My family and a big cat - my environment


sonik293 1 / -  
Sep 30, 2010   #1
One beautiful day while I was walking around the house I saw the biggest cat ever it was twice as big as the twin towers just one of it's whiskers where bigger then a whole bridge then it started coming straight at me so fast faster then lighting itself. While it was running at me I hide in my secret place where my family lived. My family was so large u could not even count them one day me and my family where running out of food and we needed a way to get food fast. The house we lived in was the biggest house in the world so we had a lot of room. So one time as I was sneaking around to look for food I was caught red handed I mean literally read handed my feet was painted red. Then just as he was about to kill me he felt sorry for me and become my friend. Sense I had a friend he would get me food that lasted for month for example one day he got me and my family a box full of cheese pizzas for some reason we all loved cheese. So every time I tried getting out of my secret place a cat would come my way and try to eat me. So one beautiful morning me and my family got tried of that cat so we had a plan to get rid of it. So we would to brake every kitchen utensils so later the owner would think it was the cat and get rid of it. So one day we broke every kitchen utensils and the cat got blamed for it and the cat was gone the next day. So we decided to through a big party so we invited everyone we knew we had so much people in the party that we would look like a river from a bird's point of view. Just has we where partying one of the biggest things in the world came in with two legs it was so huge I could not even see the rest of him. For some odd reason he bolted so fast through the door we just continued partying all night. Then the next day I wake up the first thing I noticed is that there was a nasty smell in the house then I noticed it must be some kind of poison so I hold my nose. Then the next thing I know is my whole family laying down lifeless I was so scared my fur turned gray. I got so depressed without them I thought life was over then I decided to get out of the house and just enjoy nature instead of being stuck in a huge house. As I was getting ready to pack up and leave the house I told myself would I survive out there by myself but then again I did not care. So as I head out I noticed everything was super huge. Continuing my journey I meet a couple of friends but some just weirder then the other. One of them actually worships me because I was hundred times his size. And I got used to it and I liked the environment.
nicmont93 4 / 9  
Sep 30, 2010   #2
One beautiful day, while I was walking around the house, I saw the biggest cat ever.I t was twice as big as the twin towers: one of it's whiskers wherewas bigger tha n a whole bridge.thenBefore I knew it, it started coming straight at me,so fast faster then lighting itself. While it was running at me I hide in my secret place where my family lived. My family was so large yo u could not even count them.O ne day. My family and I were running out of food and we needed a way to get food fast. The house we lived in was the biggest house in the world so we had a lot of room. So one time as I was sneaking around to look for food I was caught red handed (I mean literally read handed; my feet were painted red). Then just as he was about to kill me, he felt sorry for me and beca me my friend. Since I had a friend, he would get me food that lasted for month for example one day he got me and my family a box full of cheese pizzas and for some reason we all loved cheese. So every time I tried getting out of my secret place, a cat would come my way and try to eat me. So one beautiful morning,me and my familymy family and I got tried of that cat so we had a plan to get rid of it. So we would to break every kitchen utensil so that eventually the owner would think it was the cat and get rid of it. So one day we broke every kitchen utensilsdid exactly that, and the cat got blamed for it and the cat was gone the next day. So we decided to throw a big party so we invited everyone we knew. W e had so many people in the party that we would look like a river from a bird's point of view. Just as we were partying one of the biggest things in the world came in with two legs it was so huge I could not even see the rest of him. For some odd reason he bolted so fast through the door, but we just continued partying all night. Then the next day I woke up the first thing I noticed was that there was a nasty smell in the house. Next I noticed it must be some kind of poison so I held my nose. Then the next thing I know is my whole family laying down lifeless. I was so scaired my hair turned gray. I got so depressed without them I thought life was over, and then I decided to get out of the house and just enjoy nature instead of being stuck in a huge house. As I was getting ready to pack up and leave the house I told myself would I survive out there by myself but then again I did not care. So as I headed out, I noticed everything was super huge. Continuing my journey I met a couple of friends but some were just weirder then the others. One of them actually worships me because I was a hundred times his size. I eventually got used to it and I liked the environment.

corrections are in red.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 4, 2010   #3
Thanks for doing this edit, Nicole. You are cool.
Jack, use paragraphs so that the reader can enjoy bite-sized portions of your writing!

This is a very exciting story, but I hope you can take it one idea at a time. Write a paragraph to get the reader into the scene so the reader can understand what kind of story it is. Then, write a paragraph all about sneaking to look for food. Then write a paragraph about the cat.

Sometimes at the end of a paragraph it is good to add a sentence that will help to make sure the reader understands what you mean.

:-)


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