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'my family bought a Japanese restaurant' - YOUR WORK EXPERIENCES

jerrytherock31 6 / 14  
Dec 13, 2011   #1
So I already had a lot of people edit this for me but just to get some other views on my short essay for Common App. Please let me know where or what needs to be changed or deleted, if needed. Thanks!

In 2005, when I was eleven years old, my family bought a Japanese restaurant named "Ichiban." We turned the restaurant into a massive success; since then, it has received impressive reviews in the media. I help my family by performing the duties of a waiter, assistant chef, and manager.

I have achieved numerous skills from working at the restaurant. When I started, I was shy and nervous about interacting with the customers, but after more than six years of experience, I have gotten rid of my fears. Sometimes before my shift started, the sushi chef would teach me how to make sushi, a task that I had been dying to achieve for a while. Now whenever the restaurant gets busy, I can help relieve the chef's burden and please the hungry customers. Today, with school on one hand and managerial duties on the other, I have learned how to balance my schedule. My work experience has made me the person I am today: fearless, uniquely skilled, and organized.
sjmiller1993 4 / 13  
Dec 13, 2011   #2
I think that the part about the success of the restaurant should be downplayed, because you shouldn't sound anything near bragging. Overall try to make it more into a stroy, which make make your essay more unique...could you answer mine please?
OP jerrytherock31 6 / 14  
Dec 13, 2011   #3
Hey thanks for your help!
so would you suggest me explaining a story like something "for example" and describe that?

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