My family environment has influenced who I am today. UCF Admissions Essay

UCF Admissions Essay: How has your family history, culture, or environment influence who you are?

Any help would be greatly appreciated!!! (grammar, editing, etc.)

My family environment has influenced who I am today. Being born to parents who have migrated to the U.S., many things have been expected of me. It has been instilled in me from a young age that education and determination is the key to success. My family has taught me maturity, responsibility, independence, and the importance of good work ethic. My mother is one of the main people in my family whose guidance and support has helped me become who I am today.

From elementary school through high school, my mother has pushed me to do my best. When I wanted to take gymnastics classes and we didn't have the money, my mother has supported me while I worked to help pay for it. She has shown me how good work ethic and drive can help me achieve any goal, whether or not money is a problem. My younger cousins has also helped shape who I am today by looking up to me. While I babysat and took care of them, they helped me become more responsible person.

To me, it seems like you are writing about how your family has influenced you, instead of your culture or history. Maybe tie closer those qualities your family instilled in you to their native country's culture. As a child of immigrants, it seems like you passing up a great opportunity to focus on your specific culture.

Thank you! I will definitely make those changes in my essay. But just to clarify, you're saying instead of just talking about my family history, I should also speak about my family's culture, too?

Right. I think your "family history" really means your culture or where your family is from.