This is the first draft of my essay with only some minor edits made. I was okay with it until my English teacher basically told me I should rewrite the whole thing. I've been having a lot of trouble figuring out how to fix it, and some honest opinions and critiques would help. It's pretty rough right now, though, so please try to be gentle (but still completely honest).
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I am about the farthest thing from the stereotypical New Yorker. I don't have an accent; I'm not super loud and overly talkative; I've never ridden a subway train, and, unfortunately, I've never even tasted a "true" New York style pizza. Webster is a small, suburban town in upstate New York. It's populated by about 40,000 people who are predominantly Caucasian and of the upper-middle class. I don't fit the Webster stereotype either, but Webster, New York is the place I called home for ten years. My family moved to Webster from Las Vegas in 1998, and growing up in a town far away from the rest of my relatives who reside in the West, and with few other African American families like my own has had a profound impact on me. I've almost always been the only black girl in my classes, but I've never let the stereotype of black students being lazy or underachievers hinder me from putting my all into everything I do. My parents are not the types who constantly make sure I'm keeping up with my work, but I've always done so anyway-they expect me to do my best, so I do.
Growing up in Webster, a place where being involved in the arts is encouraged, has veered my dreams in that direction. While many of my peers became involved in types of arts like music, dance and painting, my interests led me to enjoy a different type of art. There's a stereotype that says that almost every teenager dislikes reading. I love it. There's another that says that teens think writing is boring. It became my passion. Though it took me a while to completely accept this as my form of "art" after being scoffed at when I tried to explain my passion to my peers, I never stopped loving to write, and moving to California in eleventh grade helped to further cement this passion in me. Being introduced to a whole new world outside of Webster helped to transform my aspirations of becoming an author to a whole new level. Getting involved in journalism as well as a writing club at school, and being able to be around the rest of my relatives who constantly encourage me do what I love, I finally understand that writing is a dream that I no longer have to hide.
I have broken every stereotype ever made against me. I am the New Yorker who doesn't act like a New Yorker, the hard-working African American girl from the suburbs of Webster and the teenager who would rather curl up with a good book than go to a movie premiere. Breaking all these stereotypes has essentially made me who I am and helped me to define myself.
Just a couple questions:
Was it too vague?
Should I elaborate on anything?
Should I talk more about my actual family?
Thanks guys!
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I am about the farthest thing from the stereotypical New Yorker. I don't have an accent; I'm not super loud and overly talkative; I've never ridden a subway train, and, unfortunately, I've never even tasted a "true" New York style pizza. Webster is a small, suburban town in upstate New York. It's populated by about 40,000 people who are predominantly Caucasian and of the upper-middle class. I don't fit the Webster stereotype either, but Webster, New York is the place I called home for ten years. My family moved to Webster from Las Vegas in 1998, and growing up in a town far away from the rest of my relatives who reside in the West, and with few other African American families like my own has had a profound impact on me. I've almost always been the only black girl in my classes, but I've never let the stereotype of black students being lazy or underachievers hinder me from putting my all into everything I do. My parents are not the types who constantly make sure I'm keeping up with my work, but I've always done so anyway-they expect me to do my best, so I do.
Growing up in Webster, a place where being involved in the arts is encouraged, has veered my dreams in that direction. While many of my peers became involved in types of arts like music, dance and painting, my interests led me to enjoy a different type of art. There's a stereotype that says that almost every teenager dislikes reading. I love it. There's another that says that teens think writing is boring. It became my passion. Though it took me a while to completely accept this as my form of "art" after being scoffed at when I tried to explain my passion to my peers, I never stopped loving to write, and moving to California in eleventh grade helped to further cement this passion in me. Being introduced to a whole new world outside of Webster helped to transform my aspirations of becoming an author to a whole new level. Getting involved in journalism as well as a writing club at school, and being able to be around the rest of my relatives who constantly encourage me do what I love, I finally understand that writing is a dream that I no longer have to hide.
I have broken every stereotype ever made against me. I am the New Yorker who doesn't act like a New Yorker, the hard-working African American girl from the suburbs of Webster and the teenager who would rather curl up with a good book than go to a movie premiere. Breaking all these stereotypes has essentially made me who I am and helped me to define myself.
Just a couple questions:
Was it too vague?
Should I elaborate on anything?
Should I talk more about my actual family?
Thanks guys!
