'Me fascinated with the human body' - Supplemental Essay to Harvard

I just wrote this really quick so please feel free to give me any criticisms you have

Topic: An academic experience (course, project, paper or research topic) that has meant the most to you

A part of me has always been fascinated with the human body. When I was little, I enjoyed watching medical television shows with my mother. I thought it was interesting, but never really thought I would someday wish to become a doctor. That all changed when I took biology my sophomore year. I liked the units about plants and animals, but genetics and human development were by far my favorites. These are the sort of things I want to be doing for the rest of my life: helping people in a field that interests me. [..]

I think you should show more than tell. I had the impression that you use too many I's and cliches. You should make a more effective end..I don't think this is a strong essay right now. Try for example to describe one particular moment during biology class that made you feel more secure of what you wanted to become in your future. Be more concise.

Hope this helps..:)

Can you please check my "Amherst Essay"??

Hello Abigail,
Here are my impressions on your essay:
- First of all, I would remove the part "but genetics and human development were by far my favorites" because it brings nothing to the text.

- It seems it has to be a short essay; in that case I would suggest focusing only on the medical part and reducing the administrative part to a sentence or two.

- Using the resource of starting with what you taught before and how your opinion changed is a great strategy. Nonetheless, I think the two paragraphs shouldn't have the same structure of before -> event -> after.

- Maybe if you centered on the most important event in your biology class (an experiment, topic, presentation, etc.) to your wanting to become a doctor your essay would be more solid.

Best of luck.