Prompt:Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
(This is only the intro not the full essay)
The Fashion of Business
Sometimes in life, you must stand out and take risks in order to achieve success. I was in ninth grade when I first started to dress in relatively mature attire. Blazers with French-cuffed shirts and bowties with wing-tipped brogue oxfords became ordinary outfits for me. Many of my peers questioned my choice in apparel, often shunning me for being different in the way I presented myself. Little did I know, the way I dressed would soon prepare me for the world I dreamed of pursuing.
Of course at 14 years old, I wasn't certain where exactly in life I'd be going. Apart from the fact that I knew I wanted to become a successful businessman, I had no idea how my aspirations would actually be achieved. With the guidance of my father, I was able to start developing the traits of who I'd wish to become in means of success and achievement in the business world. During the process, I was beautifully educated on the ways of the world through my journey of fashion and arts, which later allowed me to make several accomplishments of my own. This marked the beginning of my career as well as the start of the most beautiful conglomerate that I have ever been a part of, fashion and business.
In the world of business, creative thinking is essential in order to be triumphant. Fashion is responsible for the ignition of what some call my "intellectual ingenuity". The process of problem solving soon reflected my mental capacity of the endless possibilities in fashion. Observing the masterpieces of designers such as, Carolina Herrera and Giorgio Armani inevitably augment my consciousness of stylistic and scholarly possibilities. The precise and vivid stitching of a plaid vest matching the elbow pads of a blazer, or the perfectly jet black velvet slim-fitting chinos create revelations of countless colorful fantasies.
There are infinite arrangements of unique colors, patterns, textures, lengths, sizes and harmonies that yearn to be made into an article of clothing. Imagining these combinations in fact improved the manner in which I do schoolwork on a daily basis. Thinking of abstract projects, meeting new people and even solving mathematical problems became not only easier, but much more enjoyable.
By eleventh grade, my fashion soon helped my community in ways I would've never imagined. Several of my schoolmates, whom I had never met, started to approach me, commending me on my individuality. Many had even held me responsible for their inspiration to express themselves. It felt amazing to do what I loved while helping others. Who would have known that the way I presented myself would also help those around me?
The development in my character helped me to achieve several goals. Fashion taught me the significance of balance and preparation in many aspects. Installing this foundation, I competed in the international business organization known as DECA in several conferences. With the lessons I learned, I was able to successfully win first place at the Career Development Conference of Florida in my competitive event. This feat later allowed me to serve my country in the International conference in Atlanta. During the midst of loud crowds and hundreds of thousands of passionate individuals, I got lost in the captivating nature of business and hard work in regards to making a change. Although I didn't place within the top ten positions, I was able to utilize what I had learned while meeting like-minded individuals ready to make a difference in the world. This was the ultimate achievement.
The realm of fashion will always be my home for inspiration and comfort. Fashion has undoubtedly shaped who I am today. My character would not be what it is today without it. Every time I put on my dapper outfits, a sense of paradise and content overwhelms me, thus, inspiring me to become a successful businessman.I don't really know what the context of your intro is without reading the essay in its entirety, so I'm not sure as to whether or not this really is a good intro for you. But I would say that this is a bit wordy in parts, and you seem to be trying to use "big" words, but I don't know if that's just your writing style or not. I would however suggest that you make your essay intro a little bit more cohesive and easy to follow by manipulating the language to flow a bit better, and its way too long for just an intro, I don't think it gives you enough room to get to the point that matters about you, try breaking it up into paragraphs and getting right to the meat and potatoes of the essay..you!. ...
I didn't really touch upon the "second paragraph" of the intro because I'm not really sure what the purpose of some of it is... you mention Greggory Pitts your father, but I wonder why you mention him by name? Is he an alumna of one of the colleges youre applying to? I don't know, and some adcoms may have the same question, but I understand that the second half is a sort of transition segueing into the meat and potatoes, but I don't know how to help without seeing the rest and seeing whether or not its cohesive, but I wish you lots of luck! This is a very interesting topic, sort of the dress the part type of thing!!!
Thanks so much for the advice! The actual essay is going to be explaining how my journey in fashion has helped to shape up the values and characteristics of the businessman that I'll become. The prompt says to explain their background that is central to their identity, so I wanted to say how the fashion and design has defined my character and taught me lesson that i can apply to all segments of life. These lessons I later address to a few of my achievements.
I'll definitely shape up the first paragraph to make it less run on and get to the point faster. Thanks for the help!
