My father, the driver. Commonapp essay.

Okay so I chose the prompt "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence
I wonder if I'm talking too much about what happened more than the influence but I'm not too sure..
Can you guys please help out with feedback on content and general mood? Is this good enough?
THANKYOU! :)

In 1992, Lovely Lila's Limousine Service owned twenty-two vehicles, including thirteen limousines and nine cars. The company was pulling in great profit and served some of the most prestigious political figures, celebrities, and hotels in New York City. The CEO and founder of this company was none other than my own father. Making a very comfortable living at the incredibly young age of twenty-seven, my father was able to provide a uniquely secure and luxurious lifestyle for me and my three siblings. In 2003, my father relocated us to Cairo, Egypt, where we also lived very comfortably.

However, leaving his business in New York behind caused it to crumble. Also, the business he had founded in Egypt was unfortunately failing to deliver the funds necessary to continue living up the standards my father had set. In 2011, after the world-wide known revolution in Egypt had taken its ill-fated toll on most privately-owned companies and nineteen years after his financial peak in 1995, my father returned to New York City in hopes of restarting the car company he left behind. Sadly, what seemed as a fresh new beginning has turned out to be mere disappointment.

My father now works for a car service that requires him to work behind the wheel of his car for seventeen hours a day. Instead of owning them, my father now drives the cars he hoped would restart his once successful business. For eighteen years my father had not held a career position that required someone to work at a higher rank than he and that demanded much of his physical contribution. He now consequently suffers from back injuries, foot pains, and extreme fatigue. For an entire year now my father has been trying to put all the pieces of his former company back together. Regardless, he is trying with such passion that I have yet to see in any other individual. He shows extreme determination and ambition to rebuild everything he once had. My father has ultimately impacted my philosophy in a way that makes me think no matter what circumstances I will be in, whether it is locating to another country or suffering a revolution, that l must never cease to try and improve. With strong willpower and unfailing effort, I, like my father, will one day be able to build a strong character and a fulfilling life the way he has. I look up to my father as a role model of personality, hard work, and attitude. The influence he has had on my work values and personal perspective will walk me through my struggles for the rest of my life and will push me to strive to be as impervious to defeat as he has been throughout his own life. One day, I am going to resist obstacles and accomplish the many goals I am striving to achieve. When this happens, I will grateful to none other than my father for setting the perfect example of how to do so.

I think this is great. It sounds really sincere and I think that's what matters the most. Great job!

I like the story about your dad-very interesting! You could be more concise, and you have some run-on sentences. Yes, I think you should give an example of how his influence has shaped you. Give an example of when you overcame an obstacle. That would make the essay more complete. You would be proving his influence which is a stronger argument than simply claiming it.

Also, the business he had founded in Egypt was unfortunately failing to deliver the funds necessary to continue living up the standards my father had set. In 2011, after the world-wide known revolution in Egypt had taken its ill-fated toll on most privately-owned companies and nineteen years after his financial peak in 1995, my father returned to New York City in hopes of restarting the car company he left behind.

*My father's business in Egypt was not bringing in enough revenue to support our former lifestyle. In 2011, the Egyptian revolution(You can take out world-wide known because everyone knows it is world-wide known.) destroyed most private companies. So, my father returned to New York City in hopes of restarting the lucrative car company that he had left behind nineteen years earlier.

My father now works for a car service that requires him to work behind the wheel of his car for seventeen hours a day. Instead of owning them, my father now drives the cars he hoped would restart his once successful business.

*Instead of owning cars, my father now works seventeen hours a day behind the wheel of a car.

I like the essay! Good luck!

I really liked your father's story! I think you could have focused more on you and what you learned from his experiences though. I think that dedicating half or more of your essay to yourself would give us a better insight into you. Maybe you can give an example of how you have implemented his values into your life?

Overall, good job!
I would love it if you could take a look at my essay:)