Hello, I am in dire need of constructive criticism on this essay. I have included included the prompt and my response. I believe that my second to last paragraph is weak and my conclusion is terrible. All feed back is appreciated! Also, I am 72 words over the suggested length so deletions are welcomed!
________ = place holders
Option 1 - Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way.
About once week I have the pleasure of shaking hands with the most influential man in my life - my father. For the last year and a half, my father has worked a "graveyard" shift to support my heavenly dreams. Never has he imposed upon my will his own desires, but rather provided me support and encouragement for my own endeavors. To him I owe my academic prevalence, leadership, and analytical mindset.
There seems to been an endless fight between my father and adversity. Misfortune has struck my father with strength on various occasions, but he has always recovered. When his own father left him, at the age of ____, in charge of his 11 siblings and an aging mother, he fed them. When he had to support not only our family, but also the family of my alcoholic uncle, he supported it. When his business went bankrupt and we almost lost our home, he saved it. Throughout my adolescence, my father has served as a prime example of leadership and has deeply embedded it within my own character. His wise words and inspiring experiences have fostered my leadership fruitfully.
My father's ability to prevail under severe circumstances derives from his ability to learn - a trait I have inherited _______. He constantly uses education as a source from which he draws upon to fabricate solutions to his problems. When his father left him, he apprenticed a carpenter. When he immigrated to America, he went to electrician and mechanic school. Even now, as he recovers from bankruptcy, he works as a CNC machinist in the evening and studies advanced CNC programing codes in the afternoons. My father constantly reminds me of the importance of an education. He has, on numerous occasions throughout my childhood, illustrated the versatility, power, and beauty, knowledge possess and has taught me to take full fledge advantage of it and other educational opportunities.
Perhaps the most significant influence my father has had on my life, he contributed unknowingly. Before I was born, my father had established his own successful carpentry company. As a carpenter, one must lay out all the steps associated with a task, analyze each component carefully, and then intricately coordinate the arrangement of said components in a way that effectively completes a project. Unknowingly, my father had been practicing analytical thinking since he was a small boy, and raised me to think in a similar way. As a child, my father never solved my problems. Instead, he would walk me through an analytical process in which we broke down my problems piece by piece until I had a solid understanding of the situation. Then, he would gently guide my thoughts as I conjured a solution on my own. The repetition of this process an analytical thinker, and untethered me from the restraints our problems often impose on us. This mindset has undoubtedly been of great service as I have faced my own problems in life, and I am confident it will continue being of service as I venture into adulthood and my career.
As I proceed into college life, I am grateful for everything I have learned from my father. My leadership, analytical thought process, and drive for academia will never cease to exist. I anticipate employing these characteristics at Princeton, and being a positive addition to the campus.
________ = place holders
Option 1 - Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way.
About once week I have the pleasure of shaking hands with the most influential man in my life - my father. For the last year and a half, my father has worked a "graveyard" shift to support my heavenly dreams. Never has he imposed upon my will his own desires, but rather provided me support and encouragement for my own endeavors. To him I owe my academic prevalence, leadership, and analytical mindset.
There seems to been an endless fight between my father and adversity. Misfortune has struck my father with strength on various occasions, but he has always recovered. When his own father left him, at the age of ____, in charge of his 11 siblings and an aging mother, he fed them. When he had to support not only our family, but also the family of my alcoholic uncle, he supported it. When his business went bankrupt and we almost lost our home, he saved it. Throughout my adolescence, my father has served as a prime example of leadership and has deeply embedded it within my own character. His wise words and inspiring experiences have fostered my leadership fruitfully.
My father's ability to prevail under severe circumstances derives from his ability to learn - a trait I have inherited _______. He constantly uses education as a source from which he draws upon to fabricate solutions to his problems. When his father left him, he apprenticed a carpenter. When he immigrated to America, he went to electrician and mechanic school. Even now, as he recovers from bankruptcy, he works as a CNC machinist in the evening and studies advanced CNC programing codes in the afternoons. My father constantly reminds me of the importance of an education. He has, on numerous occasions throughout my childhood, illustrated the versatility, power, and beauty, knowledge possess and has taught me to take full fledge advantage of it and other educational opportunities.
Perhaps the most significant influence my father has had on my life, he contributed unknowingly. Before I was born, my father had established his own successful carpentry company. As a carpenter, one must lay out all the steps associated with a task, analyze each component carefully, and then intricately coordinate the arrangement of said components in a way that effectively completes a project. Unknowingly, my father had been practicing analytical thinking since he was a small boy, and raised me to think in a similar way. As a child, my father never solved my problems. Instead, he would walk me through an analytical process in which we broke down my problems piece by piece until I had a solid understanding of the situation. Then, he would gently guide my thoughts as I conjured a solution on my own. The repetition of this process an analytical thinker, and untethered me from the restraints our problems often impose on us. This mindset has undoubtedly been of great service as I have faced my own problems in life, and I am confident it will continue being of service as I venture into adulthood and my career.
As I proceed into college life, I am grateful for everything I have learned from my father. My leadership, analytical thought process, and drive for academia will never cease to exist. I anticipate employing these characteristics at Princeton, and being a positive addition to the campus.