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UC Essay Prompt 2: Feeding the Homeless



abbaasmalik 2 / 3  
Nov 22, 2009   #1
UC Essay Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

On an early Saturday morning in the city of Santa Ana, hundreds of people were gathered in an empty parking lot. Onlookers wondered, trying to make out what was happening. They were not accustomed to such action. Vans entered the parking lot, holding supplies. With a group from my mosque, I joined others in setting up separate tables that served as stations for food, hygiene, clothing, and medical aid. People who came to contribute were not only from my mosque, but also from other mosques and churches. No matter what our differences were, we all shared the same vision of helping the less fortunate. When all the tables were set up, scores of homeless had already gathered around the parking lot. I could see the smiles on their faces, as they went past each table, collecting what they needed to survive on the streets. As they walked pass me, they would smile at me and thank me, and I would smile back, feeling great about what I was doing. Not only was I proud of myself for helping the homeless, I was also proud that the homeless appreciated what I had done. As I would pass the homeless people a bag of food, I could see the appreciation in their eyes. While I was giving out food, I asked myself what if I was one of those people in line. I would have to rely on homeless shelters for food and aid. I would probably end up sleeping on the streets. One of the homeless people started talking to me about how he used to be so successful, but just got unlucky. I realized that I was fortunate enough not to be one of those people. After that day, I began to appreciate what I had, and to make the most of what I had. I stopped spending money on unnecessary items because I realized that the money could be used for a better cause. I stopped wasting food because I knew there was somebody else in the world who would take food out of a dumpster to survive. I wanted to involve myself in organizations that would help the needy. I participated in food drives and fund raising events, which further increased my desire to help the needy. Anytime I had the chance to donate money to help the less fortunate, I would always take the opportunity to do so. As a person, I became increasingly generous and less greedy toward people I knew. In the future, when I receive my college education, I plan to raise my efforts toward the cause of helping the needy by funding non-profit organizations, which only have one goal: curing poverty. My dream is to make a significant impact that can reduce the number of impoverished in our world today.

Editing would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

christiek 6 / 57  
Nov 22, 2009   #2
I agree that the essay is cliched. Nonetheless, you can still try to make it unique...

They were not accustomed to such action. Vans entered the parking lot, holding food supplies, hygiene kits, and clothing. With a group from my mosque, I joined others in setting up separate tables that served as stations for food, hygiene, clothing, and medical aid.

---> this is a bit repetitive.

As they walked pass me, they would smile at me and thank me, and I would smile back, feeling great about what I was doing. Not only was I proud of myself for helping the homeless, I was also proud that the homeless appreciated what I had done

---> repetitive?

- I have a question. Did you write about the "UNited Way" club and other organizations you joined in your UC app? Because you should write about something that is set apart from the application. You want to show them more of you that is not possible with an application. You know what I mean?

- I am not saying that the whole essay should be discarded but maybe the bottom part where you talk about the clubs can be changed.

GOOUD LUCK!!
:)
jasonwiesenthal 4 / 8  
Nov 22, 2009   #3
I agree with the people above me. You should just let your mind free and write anything that you can think of about this event and how it effected you as a person. After writing this essay, clean up the mess by cutting sentences that do not make sense or that don't pertain to the prompt and fix grammar. This is the way I create essays that are fun to read, full of passion, and creative. Your essay is not bad you just need to let your brain to its thing.
OP abbaasmalik 2 / 3  
Nov 24, 2009   #4
I appreciate you guys editing my essay. I made some improvements based on what you guys said.


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