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'The field of dentistry' - UVA career possibility relation to course of study


ttuu 1 / 1  
Sep 26, 2011   #1
Prompt: How do your possible career or professional plans relate to your planned course of study?
This is a transfer essay for UVA.
Please edit my essay. Also, I know my essay sounds a little boring so if there is any advice, please do tell.

The evolution in science is dependent upon the improvement of procedures and methods. Over the years of my life, I have accumulated a great interest toward the field of science. The unique traits of solutions and the complex chemical reactions within the human bodies have always marveled me. These obsessions toward these fields have eventually drawn me to the discipline of biochemistry.

Biochemistry is at the forefront of the dental field. I want to be involved in research and find a pain-free way of tackling dental decays while reversing the damages of acid attacks. I recently read articles by Science Daily, they discuss how bacteria growths are cause by the formation of acid in the mouth, and I noticed that if we can stop acid from forming, we can stop tooth decay. Major in biochemistry would allow me learn the basic for this research.

UVA's great reputation in the field of biochemistry fits my curricula needs. I'm particularly impressed with the college's specialization in ACS certification and research programs. The research on infectious diseases and organisms would help understand my field of interest while ACS-certified would create leverage for institutions and other external agencies.

Before learning to walk, one must learn to crawl. Similarly, I'm at a point where I must expand and break the life's thorn to continue onto my field of studies. My passion in the field of dentistry involves the area of science. Biochemistry wide topics in matter and organisms combine my required science and prepare me for dental school.
OP ttuu 1 / 1  
Sep 26, 2011   #2
no one is editing my essay :(
kate47 - / 5  
Sep 26, 2011   #3
THIS is your whole dental school essay? Are you an undergrad now, applying to another undergrad institution? This is extremely short and not at all unique. In no way do I feel the passion for dentistry that you claim to have (or, at least, the work ethic required to get there).

Stop using metaphors and inspiring little quotes. This is dentistry, not a creative writing program.

Many of your sentences don't even make sense. They're either incomplete, run-ons, or have improperly placed modifiers. This needs serious revision because, at present, it's a joke. Exactly what makes kids think they belong in some field just because of their "obsession," I have no clue.
Rajiv 55 / 400  
Sep 27, 2011   #4
Kate I hope you will find this comment, for I do not know where else to post it.

Was it the glum-smiley in the second post that made you pick this essay, or have you some interest in 'dentistry' yourself?

You've chosen some really great essays to comment on in the past.

After that though, you've let your frustration get the better of you. You want the essay's author to try harder. Appreciable enough as this is -- you could try a bit harder yourself, and engage with the writer -- with their feelings and ideas. Becoming a part of 'their' writing process, like two musician's 'riffing' on a piece.

All the same. Good job !
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 28, 2011   #5
I know my essay sounds a little boring so if there is any advice, please do tell.

Oh... that means it does not have the energy of inspiration. When you feel that inspired feeling well up in you, the chill up your spine, it is as though anything you write will be great. But if you try to write when you are not inspired it is difficult and unsuccessful.

The evolution of science is dependent upon the improvement of procedures and methods. ---I changed a word here.

Over the years of my life, I have accumulated a great interest toward the field of science. You used too many words to express an idea that does not even need to be expressed here...

The unique traits of solutions and the and complex chemical reactions within the human bodies have always marveled fascinated me. These This obsession with biological science drew me to the discipline of biochemistry. (Now add a thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph. Let it be a sentence that expresses the main concept of the essay, the concept you want the reader to remember, the concept that is worth writing about. Express it in a sentence! :-)

I like that last paragraph!

Rajiv, I agree, Kate is mean!! lol


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