'Fifty-two' - Standford - Intellectually Engaging experience

Hi, I'm currently working on my personal statement.

the prompt is
Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

I'm seeking for help more on the opinion about if this essay meets the prompt rather than the grammar part because i'm not sure if i'm on the right path. (i'm going to fix the grammars later)

Thank you so much for reading it!

Fifty-two. That's how many guppy fries I have now and also it's the number of choices I have for making a new guppy breed. My family bought guppies from the pet store a few months ago with the wish that our family business will flourish like fish giving birth to lots of offspring. I wasn't really interested in fish at first because I thought that fish were boring. I couldn't understand why people have fish instead of dogs or cats, as a pet because I cannot pet them, walk with them, or play with them. But my question didn't last long because I figured out the unique characteristic of guppies; I can make my own breed of guppy.

One of my male guppies has a scissor like tail. When I went to the pet store with my dad, I was eager to have him because I wanted to see his offspring. After a month of pregnancy, one of my female guppies gave birth to seventeen fries. That day, I wasn't able to go to sleep because I spent the whole night watching the fries. It takes guppy fries about a month to show their color. A few days ago, my male fries started to show the color on their tails that is inherited from my scissor like tailed male. In a few weeks, my fries will show clear coloration and I am planning to choose several pairs of F1 guppies that have good coloration and health so then I can breed them to make my own guppy breeds. I want to have more generations of guppies so then I can make a new breed that I can use to study how their color gets passed on.

Now, I don't think that fish are boring at all as a pet. Guppies are more than a pet to me because they opened a new door for me: I can do experiments and studies on guppies. If there's anyone who thinks fish are boring, I'm sure that listening to an idea of how unique this pet is will change their view on fish as a pet.

It's 1793 characters (max 1800 characteres)

I've taken biology classes, but I don't fully know about genetics yet. I think my interest on guppies is just the beginning of my field of the study, biology.

wsh725,

To answer your question, whether or not your essay addresses the prompt, I believe that it does. You certainly demonstrated that you have an intellectual interest in something unique. You conveyed that you pursued your interest with a sense of self-enrichment. Throughout your narration, you were able to show how this experience shaped your beliefs and engaged you in a new setting.

Having said that, your essay is lacking several key elements. I will give you some pointers that you may choose to use in order to improve the overall structure of your paper.

The biggest problem with your essay is the lack of fluency, you jump from one idea to another, this included a very iritic timeline, which is very hard to follow for the reader.

- Your first paragraph talks about three different timelines. Before, during, and after you bought the guppies. You also included far too many ideas. The following are the ideas you included in your first paragraph:

- How many fish you have at present.
- Changing interests after getting the new pet.
- Forums.
- Breeding guppies.
- Color variety.

----- To fix this problem, try to stick to the actual sequence of events that took place. Make sure to remember, each paragraph represents a unique idea, so stick to that one idea, and introduce the next one in the following paragraph. You may have to reconsider which aspects of the guppies you want to talk about, and which you may want to omit.

Your second paragraph is much better in the sense that it mostly follows one idea in a logical progression of events. However, I would highly recommend that you take the last three sentences and make a new paragraph that ties everything together.

The very last sentence about choosing biology as a major, is just thrown in there as a sole idea, there is no logical connection for the reader. Thus, the reader has to come up with the elements that tie it together. - This can be a very bad thing, because each reader will have a unique take on your statement.

Remember, the best essay is the one that flows easily, and is very easy for the reader to understanding without having to strain. Easiest way to do this, is by having a logical sequence of events and ideas that flow smoothly.

One last thing: The word "Fish" is plural.

Good Luck with your essay, personal statements are among the hardest things to write.

-Rayniv

Thanks Rayniv for your help and advices! I really appreciate it :]

This is revised version of my essay
I cut things that aren't really important in this essay and tried to write events in order so then it would have smoothness.

I think Stanford wants to see how the experience challenged/fascinated you intellectually. I believe that it would be much more on key if you focus your essay on your interst in the biology of the guppies. And less on the story of getting the guppies and them being pets. I think if you address the prompt a little more appropriately you will have a very unique and fun story.

Hope that helps.

What a perfect intro to an essay. Thanks for letting me read this excellent piece of writing. It really is high quality stuff, good enough to be the intro to a chapter in a published book. Just a little editing is needed:

I'l change the commas a little:
I couldn't understand why people have fish instead of dogs or cats, as a pet because I cannot pet them, walk with them, or play with them. But my question didn't remain unanswered long, because I figured out the unique characteristic of guppies. I can make my own breed of guppy.

use a hyphen:
scissor-like

Guppies are more than a pet to me because they opened a new door for me: I can do experiments and studies on guppies. --- hahaha excellent!!

I think Rayniv's advice about too many ideas it true about the 2nd para, but I hope you don't change the 1st para too much!! It's great.