Fighting Ageism by Being Open and Being Bold - NTU Undergraduate Scholaship Essay

Prompt:

Describe, in less than 300 words, the values and beliefs you hold strongly to.

Please Provide Examples Of How You Have Demonstrated These In Your Actions.

Essay:
My heart once shattered when my uncle argued with his daughter, "She is a child, so she must obey," referring to my 16-year-old cousin. Even worse, they were talking about house moving, which, in my defense, is a crucial thing to be discussed by every family member. Then, I contemplated and realized "why does age discrimination get so normalized in my country?" Whatever the reason, I vow to always be open to voices regardless of age.

I have attended two Indonesian public high schools, junior and senior, and one thing that those institutions share in common is seniority. This habit is exemplified within the intra-school organizations and clubs, which I joined nonetheless. It is not that I am a hypocrite, but I have a goal to deter the seniority in them. As a first-year, I strived to opine until I got heard, and as a senior, I blatantly encouraged my juniors to share their views. Personally, I hope that the gestures I made alleviated the juniors' fear of not being heard because the seniors valued their opinions.

With this kind of stance, however, one cannot deny that there were several disputes that occurred. One of which was my high school seniors talking about how daring I was, acknowledging that I was (supposed to be) inferior to them. Nevertheless, I still kept my head up because I knew that it was my right to state my views, and it was my way of fighting ageism.

Comment:
I'm open to all of the suggestions :D Please comment if you'd like, I would highly appreciate it :D

You have improperly framed the discussion. You need to first state that you strongly believe that "age discrimination should be ended" and then explain how this is deeply ingrained in your thinking because of how your family treats the younger members. Only after establishing the personal element of this belief can you show how you embodied the discussion by fighting for your beleif by giving the youth of your school a voice.

You have a unique idea for this response which the reviewer might be impressed by. However, the presentation should be made more solid. The belief should also show some sort of success within your student campus to emphasize that you have made headway in fighting for your belief.

Use a more solid moment of school activisim as your example. It must have a positive outcome that supports your belief that youth discrminination should be ended. There is a potential to do that in your writing, you just have to know which event and outcome would best embody it. If you cannot do it there, then consider a family discussion set up instead. Any point in time when your voice was heard and listened to will work. It will not work as a belief example if you have not been able to effectively apply the belief in your real life.

@Holt Thank you very much for your reply, it helps me a lot. I would certainly improve it on the basis of your comment :D

@ salmonjunk some of the sentences are confusing, try to make them more simple.