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"It was finally Saturday!" - Common App, significant challenge

TheChessDragon 1 / 2  
Dec 1, 2011   #1
Hey guys, I was just wondering if can critique my essay in its overall style, language, grammar, and such. I really appreciate it.

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What is now my most reliable friend was once my most bitter enemy.

"It was finally Saturday!" A 9 year old version of me ran directly for the television to catch all the morning cartoons. After a long week of school, relaxing on a Saturday morning was my favorite activity. However, after breakfast, my mother motioned me to follow her somewhere. "Was she going to buy me Lego's? Maybe she'll buy me a VIDEO GAME!" My brain couldn't handle the curiosity, I eagerly ran into the car.

Unfortunately, I never received a gift that day. It was actually the day I started swimming lessons.

I possessed an unnatural fear of water during my youth. I visited the pool many times before, but never left the vicinity of the shallow end. I hated the swimming pool. Saturday used to be my favorite day of the week, now I dreaded that day. However, there was nothing I could possibly do to stop swimming lessons; my mother would NEVER waste her money. The only viable option was to move forward; I could not forfeit to my enemy without a fight.

Treading water is perhaps the most important requirement before swimming. A swimmer cannot swim without the knowledge of buoyancy, just as how an engineer cannot create without the knowledge of math and physics. Unfortunately, floating was no easy task. It was by far the most difficult task that I needed to learn. Only after trial and error did I begin to understand that treading required steadiness and relaxation instead of panicking and flailing. Without my instructor's support, I may have been lost in the depths of the deep-end.

Nevertheless, I accomplished the hardest task in two weeks. I inhaled gallons of pool water in the process, but the mission was successful! The road had been paved; swimming came naturally as I progressed after this milestone.

I finished my lessons within two years time. I mastered all four strokes and swam laps easily. My revulsion toward water was difficult to overcome, but my perseverance drove me onward. Although I despised her at the time, I now thank my mother for her encouragement. Swimming grew to be my favorite activity, and I continued to swim throughout my grade school years.

I realized that the only way to conquer fear is to confront it directly. There will always be more difficult challenges to overcome in life. High school proved to be that kind of challenge. There always were difficulties either with exams, grades, friends, or sports, but I did not let that deter me. Swimming provided me with passion and tenacity, and with this determination, I will drive forward to my fullest potential. As the college life arrives, I know that formidable obstacles await, yet I will enjoy the new experience and make the most out of every situation.
OP TheChessDragon 1 / 2  
Dec 2, 2011   #2

cmon you guys its not THAT bad is it?
ItsokaytoGaga 15 / 96  
Dec 2, 2011   #3
Hey! You've done a good job. There isn't much on grammar or language I can correct you on...

Although I despised her at the time

you could say resented her action instead of despised. Despised is a little too strong a word don't you think? I may be wrong. Just my opinion...

I think you should keep revising and editing some more, and in time you'll perfect it definitely! All the best!! Good Job! :)

PLEASE help me with both my essays! I would really be grateful for any sort of help/feedback. Thanks!
OP TheChessDragon 1 / 2  
Dec 3, 2011   #4
it was your essay that actually made me want to post this haha. It was so good that I felt self-conscious about my own essay

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