'finding delight in activities I endeavor' -How would you benefit the community?

So hello again, users of EssayForum. I need some feedback on my essay, and if there are any mistakes feel free to correct them. And I would be pleased to see some suggestions of how to conclude better.)

How would you benefit the community? I've got 524 words. the limit is 500.

Four Pillars.

Being very considerate naturaly, I don't undertake numerous activities at the same time - I choose wisely and responsibly. People who rely on me can always be rest assured a priori - if I take up something, I finish it. My contribution to the richness of community lies within my interests and my approach to them.

I don't have an expansive array of hobbies; I rather make each hobby I engage in count. I consider my 4 main hobbies to be a square base, because all act as a support to my 4 traits, 4 pillars that my personality thrust on.

The first pillar is perseverance. My devotion to Karate, tempered by 8 years of practice, represents that. My training was full of pain: splitting ups, being punched in the face, straining muscles. But even this isn't the most important thing. Had I left Russia for Vietnam a bit latter, I could have had a brown belt, but time was pressing and I had to go. It was hard to find a good karate section in my homeland -- even now I'm not fully satisfied with my current master. I changed sections a lot. And for 3 years I have borne a blue belt, instead of a brown. Yet I still kept training. For me karate was more substantial than for many other practitioners, to whom getting a black belt as soon as possible is the main goal.

The second pillar - patience. Origami represents it. I don't even want to tell you how frustrating is refolding repeatedly a 500 hundred step figure, having paper torn just before you complete or realizing that the paper you used was too small when it is too late. At first the aforementioned made me crazy - I thought often that I would never fold the same figure again. But I did. Patiently... until the figure was finished.

The third pillar - creativity. Drawing was my obsession from an early age. I started with just copying robots I saw in cartoons, pictures of warriors from books I read. Gradually, I got a hang of it. My sister, a designer, taught me some basics of setting up compositions and body construction as well. Having never studied in any art school, I read graphic novels, followed sites like deviantart.com to see how different artists apply various techniques in their works. With my abilities being recognized, in both schools I was tasked with making banners and placards which received credit.

And the final pillar - risk taking. May sound hilarious to you, but, yes, cooking, one of my late endeavors, is risk taking for me. I admit, not everything that my hands concoct could be labeled "Bellissimo, Molto Gustoso!", but I try to improve my skills anyway. The main problem you face when acquainting yourself with cooking is fear - fear of messing things up. However, when I overcame that feeling, cooking has become a bliss: when I succeed, I feel overly self-satisfied with seeing people devouring my food - I realize the risk was justified.

I believe my life within community would bring some diversity to it; maybe, even help others to find delight in activities I endeavor.

I think you should combine these two paragraphs as one because both paragraphs are revolving around the same issue- they are about your personality, hobbies and these sort of things.


write the numbers below 10 in words. In addition u do not need to use comma after practice.



In this paragraph u tried to convey this message that you are a hard working person. For this reason, you talked about karate. But, I think you diviated from the main idea of the paragraph which is "perseverance". Stick to the point. Try to revise it and connect the concept of perseverance to your experience.


U should use a different structure for writing this sentence becasue it is similar to what you used in the previouse paragraph ( My devotion to Karate, tempered by 8 years of practice, represents that). For example u can say (just a suggestion) :" My ability in the art of origami is representative of the fact that I am a patient person."

Try to avoid using contractions such as "don't", "I'm",and the like, in writing.



I think it would be better to start the conclusion with an statement like this :"communities need people who are hard working to raise difficulties. In order to eradicate problems the individuals of a society should also be able to tolerate hard conditions, which means they must be patient people. And finally, creativity is another factor that may guarantee a society's success. I think, I have all these abilities together, and when I think about this question that "Can I be a useful person for my society?" I come to this conclusion that "YES, I can". :D

Hope you find the comments useful

Regards
Ahmad

Thanks Ahmad)
But the thing I don't agree with you is:
"Had I left Russia for Vietnam a bit latter, I could have had a brown belt," "Had" standing before a sentence that is not a question is OK in this kind of structure

I left Russia, because my parents faced some financial problems so they decided to return to Vietnam.

the question was actually :How would you contribute the community of "XXX university "?

I asked why you immigrated from Russia to Vietnam to explain it in the essay not for me because you did not say any thing about this matter in the previous sentences.


This example is not tangible, in my opinion. U talked about blue, brown and black belts but these colors are understandable for you, as a Karate player, while they have no meaning for an ordinary person.


:D, The word "absolutely" bring this thing to the mind that you are an arrogant person. U should be more careful about the words when you want to say something positive about yourself.

thanks again for your attention, Ahmad)

my emphasis was that I could've had a brown belt, but I had to leave. Do I really need to add in my essay why I had to leave?(its not that important, I just wrote "Had i left Russia for Vietnam a bit earlier" to provide the reason I didn't have time to pass the exam for brown belt)the colors won't confuse the reader, because i think it's understandable from context that brown is above blue .( and I think for most people it has already become a preconception that in any martial art a black belt is the highest in rank)

I revised the last part of karate paragraph to show what I exactly mean:
It was hard to find a good karate section in my homeland, so I changed sections a lot and even now I'm not fully satisfied with my master. And for three years I have borne a blue belt, instead of a brown. And yet for three years I kept training, while many, to whom getting a black belt is the main priority, could've stopped, discouraged by the delay.

I wanted to sound confident by writing " absolutely" so I maybe i;ll write " I will"; and that is not my whole conclusion, just don't know what to add

So, if you think it makes sense, do not change the paragraph. what I said was merely suggestion.


Yes, I think "I will", is better than "absolutely".

U should add the points which can drive the reader to this conclusion that you are a useful person for the community. U talked about several positive factors that you have, so reword them and finally write this :"Will I be a useful person to your community?" you may ask - my answer is -"Yes, I will"

Laura, thanks for advice, but I can't add too much -- there is a limit ,500 words
And the word thrust is unique, it always remains the same

I think it's just a little unbalanced; your section about karate and perseverance could be a small essay in itself and your section about patience and origami is just a line. Personally, I want to hear more about your origami. I think you should detail a time when you couldn't figure out where to make a fold in an incredibly complicated structure and were willing to wait days until the answer presented itself to you. You could also detail the difference between perseverance and patience, because they sound very similar right now. To remove some of the words, take out some of the conversational segments of the "risk-taking" section. I don't think the "May seem hilarious to you, but..." is necessary. Just go into why it made you feel silly, scared, and how you overcame the risks inherent in cooking and ended up with a reward. I like the idea of this essay a lot. Good luck!

I think your corrected essay is good. you should not care so much about word limit, the teacher will not count :)

thanks Akil and Pham)

Sorry, but the introduction is not interesting. U should open it with more attractive statement. U talked about responsibility. This is a good point, but I think it would be better to write a personal experience(in the form of a story) which showed you this fact that other people can count on you. Make it more alluring


What kind of designer? mention it


this paragraph did not talk about creativity. It shows that you are a hard working person who could learn how to draw some pictures without any classes. So, you should talk about the pictures that you design them based on your imagination and creativity. U should talk about your ability in creating new pictures that nobody can find them elswhere.


This conclusion has a problem. Before asking the question, you answered it. As I told you before, you should reword your abilities and then provide a question. U should not ask a question that you answered it before.

I agree, Ahmad. But if I start an introduction with a story, wouldn't my essay become longer?

A short story, not a long one. Just two or three lines. U can make other paragraphs a little shorter instead. OR you have another option: as Laura_twilight said, u can delete a paragraph and elaborate on other parts.

I guess that's was a good idea. I will chop off the origami part.

How about this intro?

"Bad, sit down." the teacher said. That was in primary school, when I didn't do my homework willingly for the third time and when I experienced the consequences of irresponsibility on my own childish hide. Since that incident the teacher didn't ask me for a long time... But then, she asked me again:

"Are you prepared?"
"Yes " I replied.
"Well, I don't trust you, but OK, give it a try."
And I answered well.

"Responsibility is a burden, but a burden that sprouts trust." -that's what I deduced. And now people who rely on me can rest assured a priori - if I take something up, I finish it.

I have the same responsible approach to my hobbies -- I don't delve into everything simultaneously; each of my hobbies counts: they are base - a base that supports the three pillars my personality thrust on.

Yes, this is really interesting. I liked it.