HELP! I feel like something is not right with my essay. If there are any suggestions you have to make the flow or the general ideas more clear I would appreciate it. Do you think the essay talks about me? Do you think it is clear why I am transferring? Do you think that there is a good flow? Do you think it fully answers the prompt?
Prompt: Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve
If you go to Old Navy and try on every pair of jeans in the store, you will walk out with the perfect pair of jeans. If you simply buy the first pair of jeans you see in the color and cut you think you want, you may have wasted thirty dollars on a pair of jeans that are not quiet right. One day in November, I tried on pair of black size 26 jeans from Forever 21. They looked perfect when I had bought them online, and I expected them to look perfect on me. I stood in my room, yanking at the belt loops, struggling to get the jeans over my hips. My frustration boiled. I gave one last pull and the belt loop snapped off in my hand. Although I managed to get the jeans on they were incredibly tight, and I felt uncomfortable. Looking in the mirror, I recognized that my time at XYZ was no different - while there was nothing wrong with the college, I felt unhappy with the fit of the school.
My first semester, I enrolled in a seminar that explored the effects of neurobiology on emotion, behavior, and personality. The subjects we looked at ranged from the chemistry of neural hijackings to emotional intelligence. Each class we discussed the readings in relation to current events. The more books I read on the topic, the more interested I became in cognitive and neurosciences. I have enjoyed the academic rigor and engaging professors at the college; however, I have found that the school does not offer my exact major. More and more my interests have stemmed beyond the limited neuroscience program at XYZ - a foundational understanding of the psychological processes alone - into behavioral and cognitive neuroscience, as well as neurochemistry.
Additionally, the college seems to have a "one-size fits all" philosophy when it comes to academics. The administration strictly dictates which classes you can take to fulfill each of the fifteen general education requirements. While these are wonderful guidelines for a liberal arts education, I believe that the best way to achieve a well-rounded student body is by allowing them the freedom of self-determination. Certainly, students should take history, English, math, and science - but it would be more effective to allow the students to choose how and what classes within these disciplines they wish to take. I believe that individualism and finding yourself is much of what college is, and not being able to explore your academic interests fully is, in my opinion, a disservice to the students.
While my reasons for transferring are almost purely academic, there is one non-academic reason. Socially, XYZ operates as a binary. Everything at the college is a black or white. You cannot be more than one thing. You cannot be a combination of things. You certainly cannot be a contradiction. However, I see myself in shades of grey and as many different possibilities. I am not only a neuroscience major, but I am also liberal, interested in the global AIDS epidemic, and a yoga fanatic. I am not someone who can be pigeonholed into one group of people. I believe that a college with more socioeconomic and geographic diversity as well as more on-campus activities, I would find all of my places at a college.
When I first looked at XYZ online and visited the campus, I thought that it would be the perfect fit; it seemed complementary to all of the things I wanted and sought - a beautiful campus, rigorous academics, and an engaging student body. I have since come to the conclusion that no high school student can know exactly what they want from a college until they arrive on campus as a college student. As a high school senior, I went into the college market and bought the first pair of jeans I thought would be perfect. I realized that for me, the perfect fit is a college with a stronger neuroscience department with a larger breadth of courses, fewer curricular requirements or less standardized curriculum, and a more diverse student body where people are more likely to relate to each other in meaningful ways. Now, with more experience and a better understanding of what I want after trying one on for size, I believe I am truly ready to find my home for the next three years.
Prompt: Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve
If you go to Old Navy and try on every pair of jeans in the store, you will walk out with the perfect pair of jeans. If you simply buy the first pair of jeans you see in the color and cut you think you want, you may have wasted thirty dollars on a pair of jeans that are not quiet right. One day in November, I tried on pair of black size 26 jeans from Forever 21. They looked perfect when I had bought them online, and I expected them to look perfect on me. I stood in my room, yanking at the belt loops, struggling to get the jeans over my hips. My frustration boiled. I gave one last pull and the belt loop snapped off in my hand. Although I managed to get the jeans on they were incredibly tight, and I felt uncomfortable. Looking in the mirror, I recognized that my time at XYZ was no different - while there was nothing wrong with the college, I felt unhappy with the fit of the school.
My first semester, I enrolled in a seminar that explored the effects of neurobiology on emotion, behavior, and personality. The subjects we looked at ranged from the chemistry of neural hijackings to emotional intelligence. Each class we discussed the readings in relation to current events. The more books I read on the topic, the more interested I became in cognitive and neurosciences. I have enjoyed the academic rigor and engaging professors at the college; however, I have found that the school does not offer my exact major. More and more my interests have stemmed beyond the limited neuroscience program at XYZ - a foundational understanding of the psychological processes alone - into behavioral and cognitive neuroscience, as well as neurochemistry.
Additionally, the college seems to have a "one-size fits all" philosophy when it comes to academics. The administration strictly dictates which classes you can take to fulfill each of the fifteen general education requirements. While these are wonderful guidelines for a liberal arts education, I believe that the best way to achieve a well-rounded student body is by allowing them the freedom of self-determination. Certainly, students should take history, English, math, and science - but it would be more effective to allow the students to choose how and what classes within these disciplines they wish to take. I believe that individualism and finding yourself is much of what college is, and not being able to explore your academic interests fully is, in my opinion, a disservice to the students.
While my reasons for transferring are almost purely academic, there is one non-academic reason. Socially, XYZ operates as a binary. Everything at the college is a black or white. You cannot be more than one thing. You cannot be a combination of things. You certainly cannot be a contradiction. However, I see myself in shades of grey and as many different possibilities. I am not only a neuroscience major, but I am also liberal, interested in the global AIDS epidemic, and a yoga fanatic. I am not someone who can be pigeonholed into one group of people. I believe that a college with more socioeconomic and geographic diversity as well as more on-campus activities, I would find all of my places at a college.
When I first looked at XYZ online and visited the campus, I thought that it would be the perfect fit; it seemed complementary to all of the things I wanted and sought - a beautiful campus, rigorous academics, and an engaging student body. I have since come to the conclusion that no high school student can know exactly what they want from a college until they arrive on campus as a college student. As a high school senior, I went into the college market and bought the first pair of jeans I thought would be perfect. I realized that for me, the perfect fit is a college with a stronger neuroscience department with a larger breadth of courses, fewer curricular requirements or less standardized curriculum, and a more diverse student body where people are more likely to relate to each other in meaningful ways. Now, with more experience and a better understanding of what I want after trying one on for size, I believe I am truly ready to find my home for the next three years.
