My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!!

Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study. (500 words)

"No, not another social studies class!" was the first thought that came into my mind as I found out last year that I had to take not only US Government but also Economics. It's not that I dislike history or geography, but as an immigrant, I always found myself at a disadvantage in those classes since many things I learned for the first time were already part of the common American knowledge. Thus, having spent a semester being overwhelmed by my peers who all seemed expert in politics, I waited for the economics teacher to enter the classroom without much eagerness.

Instead of the typical lecture that I expected, the first economics class turned into a discussion under the guidance of Mr. Smith, our teacher. Although I lacked knowledge of American history and didn't contribute much to the group conversation, I became intrigued by this unusual way of teaching a social studies course. It was with much curiosity that I attended the second class...and saw something that completely blew my mind: Mr. Smith was writing math equations on the board. What happened to the economics class I had imagined in which the word "integral" would be a profanity? Hopelessly confused, I was struck by Mr. Smith's enlightenment: "...a big part of economics is the study of demand and supply, which can be visualized through graphs and analyzed using past data. Eventually, the economist can make accurate predictions through history and propose plans that will benefit the society in accordance..." That moment was the beginning of an infatuation.

Actually, Mr. Smith's speech was simply the spark that set the fuse; my love for economics laid its foundation in my cultural background. Through my immigration to three countries, each with a different educational system, I gained a wide set of intellectual interests ranging from mathematics to languages. I enjoyed solving algebraic equations and analyzing graphs as much as reading a novel in French or watching documentaries on ancient Chinese dynasties. Unfortunately, this diverse array of academic interests also harbored unsolved discords...until I discovered economics. Not only a fascinating topic, this intricate course also merges my seemingly conflicting likings and takes full advantage of my understanding of different languages and cultures since macroeconomics deals with foreign affairs. I realized that with my unique past experiences, my potential in economics is limitless. I could even aim for the international!

My discovery of the economics programs in Cornell was yet another "love at first sight". Its Independent Study program will allow me to conduct research as an undergraduate student and provide me with experience before I apply for the Honors Program research opportunity my senior year. Also, I really look forward to interacting with other passionate students through the Cornell Economics Society and to read its publication of "The Visible Hand" journal, which incorporates insightful updates on the current economy and job status. Finally, with math being one of my favorite subjects and an inherent part of economics, I plan to double major in mathematics.

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extra info:
* i talked about this a lot in my main app essay which entitles diversity :)
same routine, be as gentle as you can :D jkjk, an arrogant challenge: kill the essay if you can!

First off, I would like to mention that I am not a competent writer. Nor am I a native speaker...

Some of the points you made confuse me.

For example,

What I understand from the first sentence is that you were dismayed to find out that you were required to take both US Government and Economics.

Given that you mainly talk about your interest in economics in your essay, I don't see how your lack of knowledge in history, geography, or politics has anything to do with you not expecting much from your econ class. I also found it a bit weird that you expected a "typical history lecture." Maybe it's just me...

Also, I don't think you sufficiently explain the link between the topics you discuss in the third paragraph and how those relate to your prospect of becoming a brilliant economist.

I like the last paragraph. You address many specific details about Cornell that match well your interest.

Lastly, I couldn't spot any grammatical errors...but I'm not so good at grammar, so...

Well... those were the things I wanted to mention. Hope this helps.

that's just part of the social studies, i had to mention them for the sake of my first sentence.


reference to US gov.

still not clear?

It definitely does help, thanks Logical_Fella_C!

Having read your essay over for the second time, I realized I was maybe being overly-critical.

I now see that you are explaining mainly the "evolution" part of your intellectual interests in the third paragraph and how economics encompasses all those different interests.

I wanted to clarify a few things.


Correct me if I'm wrong.
When I first read your intro, I interpreted your lack of knowledge in those particular fields as the reasons that you were dismayed, which, while not totally irrelevant to studying econ, I thought had little to do with Economics itself. Now, however, I think you meant that just as in these other social studies classes in which you felt overwhelmed by other kids' "common American knowlege," you expected pretty much the same to happen in the econ class.


I find this sentence confusing because I wasn't sure whether you were expecting an actual history lecture in an econ class, which is sorta strange, or you expected the econ class to be like the typical history lecture, in which you found yourself at a disadvantage. I'm guessing you probably meant the latter though. Oh well... I may be the only one confused... :/

Anyway, I hope you get what I meant.

Here are just a few more suggestions.


I think it'd be better to begin with just "Through my assimilation..."
"In fact" in this sentence sounds inappropriate... but I am not so sure.


Breaking this up into two sentences sounds better...to me.
How about "I enjoyed solving algebraic equations as much as reading a novel in French. I even relished watching historical movies and analyzing the significance of the fall of the French domination over Quebec, despite my struggle in social studies."

All right. That's it. I hope this helps you.

wow, you totally hit the point. my counselor told me that this way works as well, so...


exactly. From the past social studies classes i took, i had a prejudice of economics


so, should it be: "instead of a typical lecture,"


yea, my first draft started with that.
do you think there would be a gap tho? like suddenly jumping from economics to my past/interests? if so, what would be a better transition?

how's this?

...I gained a diverse set of intellectual interests ranging from mathematics to languages. I enjoyed solving algebraic equations as much as reading a novel in French; I even relished watching historical movies and analyzing the significance of the fall of the French domination over Quebec despite my struggle in social studies.


by second time, do you mean that it was confusing to read? what were your initial criticism? while my counselor said it was ok to flip the question, is it more tiresome to read?

thanks a lot man, hope to interact you further on this essay!

wow, i posted a *** title for this essay...no wonder not many are reading it...

Nah, the first time I read your essay was right before I made my first comments. By second time, I didn't mean that I had to re-read your essay. I was just saying I read it again before making my second comment.

I'm afraid I don't quite get what you mean by "flipping the question," but I don't think your essay is boring at all. Your way of answering question is the best possible way I could think of to address prompts like this. You answer every one of the aspects mentioned in the prompt, and I don't see any problem with that honestly.

Oh, and I only spotted this upon reading your essay for the second time:


If that's the case, the adcom will hopefully understand what you mean by "assimilation of three cultures" and how it shaped your interests. Afterall, I don't really think you can eleborate on that too much given that the prompt asks you to include all those different things in your essay within the 500-word limit.


Yea, I think using a semi-colon is a great idea.

OK. That's pretty much it. I feel like most of the things I've said you already knew. :(


Hahaha don't be so harsh on yourself.
I do have to say though, "My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!!" did make me chuckle a little bit.:)

sry, i meant flipping the order of the question: starting with the evolution, then answer the interests part.


thanks, you way overstate my essay...but i appreciate that :D


yea, my common app essay was the diversity essay, in which i talked about my immigrations


haha, definitely not. You helped TREMENDOUSLY. thanks a lot. (btw if you have time, you should definitely become a contributor. We think much alike, and i'm sure that you will be a great help to others)


haha, i know, how immature, i was really excited tho, to see how many people would try killing my essays after i critiqued harshly theirs...but now i FINALLY understood why there are so many colorful titles if you don't have to have any when you actually apply...a bit too late haha

I thank you! I really appreciate it!


I'm not so sure if I'm good enough to become a contributor, but thanks a bunch. I will consider that.

It's not that I dislike learning history or geography


experts
without much interest would sound better


As the logical fella pointed out, why would you be expecting a history lecture in an economics class? Best to remove the 'history' bit.


Remove the 'the' American history


Social studies course


It was with much curiosity, rather than such, also experienced sounds better than saw
Besides this the third paragraph is completely unconnected to the ones that went before.
Sorry I don't have time to finish this critique - will write more in a little while

Hmm... I guess I was being a bit more reasonable the first time I critiqued your essay yang. :/
I still think this is an integral part of your essay where you really talk about the "evolution," so it'd be probably wise to keep it in there.

One option I thought about was "tying" your third paragraph with the words of your econ teacher.


Afterall, he did mention many of the stuffs you stated in the third paragraph. I'm not too sure if it was due to this one remark of his that you realized how all your different interests were relevant to the field of economics, but I'm just sayin'... I hope this makes sense to you.

I also find that


may sound somewhat contradictory to the remarks you made in the first paragraph.

haha it's not about being good, it's about being willing lol, it's really a great way to improve your own writing


i meant it as an adjective, still confusing?


I kinda meant it as though I didn't have much expectations, i can't really say that i didn't have interest since i don't even know the class. does that make sense?


yea, that's what i decided to do, just haven't the chance to repost yet.


but i did "see" the teacher writing on the board


mmm... not sure about this. my counselor told me that only specific courses need capital letters, but thx for pointing this out, i'll get it checked.


well i kinda need my third paragraph to cover the interest part of the prompt...and to explain why i had this epiphany about econ.


wait, so the social studies and history and us gov still trouble you?


sorry, not sure to understand what you mean


well, it was more like a discovery of economics. his statement clarified the misconception that i had about economics. wasn't in itself a revelation, but through the statement, I realized what economics actually was (not like all the other social studies class) and that it incorporates many elements i discussed in paragraph 3. does this still bother you?


yes, but i did mention how i disliked the classes, but not the subjects themselves, and i want to fully show it here cuz it's unrealistic that i'd like economics if i really hate history itself.

thanks guys! moonshadow, i definitely eagerly await your further comments, and logical fella, thx for your perspective! and btw, you definitely are qualified.

I think the addition of this sentence definitely helps.


I think this-> "this intricate course also merges my seemingly conflicting likings and takes full advantage of my understanding of different languages and cultures" would be one of the reasons that you fine economics fascinating. If what I'm assuming is correct, putting "not only" before "a fascinating topic" would be awkward. No?

Oh, here's another suggestion. How about this


This sounds more logical to me, but I'm not so sure.

Ah well... I'm just nitpicking. Hope this helps!

HAHAH funny funny
wow this


person stayed loyal to your essay. i usually comment on an essay once and never come return. xDDD i'm proud of you, logical_fella_c!

anways, now on to your essay...

correct me if i'm wrong:


"seemed to be experts" or "seemed experts? i dont know which is correct. maybe both are...


oh my, when i drew my first supply and demand curve, that moment was the beginning of a hatred. xD i dont like econ... i complete my econ class in 9 days! woohoo! lets celebrate, yang. by the way, i like this sentence a lot!


i dont quite understand why you use the word "actually". weren't you just saying that Mr. Smith's speech was a spark for this infatuation?


correct me if i'm wrong but i'm not sure if it is structurally correct to begin a sentence with "not only." i say this because "not only" is always followed by "but also," but you can't use a "but" in this sentence... so... is it correct to begin with "not only"? If you get what i mean..


there's a error somewhere in here. are you saying you also look forward to reading the publication of "the visible hand" journal? if so, you need to write "to reading" and define what "its" is. I'm not sure what the antecedent of "its" is. if not, the second part about the publication is not telling the point.


a bit abrupt ending... D= "start strong, end strong" you started off really well with the "no!" so end it strong!

i liked it! even though i dont like econ! soo... that means it was pretty good! hahahaha
the way you developed the idea of why econ is so perfect for you is really unique.
let me know if you want me to re-read over anything or have any questions. :D

haha i'm completely the opposite. i kinda parasite essays...


o, good point... i felt that people might misunderstand Mr. Smith's speech AS the actual reason why i'm into econ, which isn't true. his explanation helped me to see what econ really was, and i like econ cuz of my past. am i just over thinking?


i get what you mean, but i think that it's ok to start with not only. E.g, not only is this person smart, he also is blabla means the same as this person is not only smart, but also...

the difference is that in the first one, you don't have to use "is" for the second sentence. you could say not only is this person smart, he also got the award for blabla

i hope that i'm right... i'll check with eng teacher tho


yup, my mistake


supposed to be the cornell econ society, i'm changing the sentence to:

Also, through the Cornell Economics Society, I will be able to interact with other passionate students and read its publication of "The Visible Hand" journal which blabla


help me out here? I really can't think a way of ending it while keeping the same pace as the rest of the paragraph. I actually devoted this paragraph to the why cornell portion, so how can I tie it back to the beginning? my goal for the last sentence is to show the admin that i know exactly i'm going to do, which balances the research fluff, but if there's something stronger that actually catches attention, then i'll definitely go for it.


mm... what about this:

I was amazed by the way this intricate course merges my seemingly conflicting likings and takes full advantage of my understanding of different languages and cultures since macroeconomics deals with foreign affairs.

i had to keep since with the sentence to explain the second portion of it... at least i think i have to

but yea, logical fella, i owe you a big thank you! and ms robot, thanks a lot 2:D

Thus, having spent a semester feeling overwhelmed by...


This last sentence of the first paragraph should probably tell the reader something about what the whole essay will mean. It is a very important sentence in any essay. the last sentence of the first para leaves a thought that lingers in a reader's mind, and it should be one that offrs that "takeaway" idea... the idea that you want the reader to take away from the essay after reading.

So.. the idea in the conclusion, which makes your main point, should be stated in that intro as well. Otherwise, the essay is all narrative. A narrative essay is not bad, but in this case the narrative part should SUPPORT the theme... and the theme is that takeaway idea.

:-)

it is indeed a good point, but i feel that my partition here is different. you are right in that i opted for a narrative way, but my conclusion isn't exactly the final paragraph. it's more that i answered the question in 3 parts, and the last paragraph was specifically targeting the why cornell?

my points for each paragraph:
intro: captivate, tell my initial repugnance toward econ
second: evolution, understand econ
third: my interests and the role econ plays in them
fourth: why cornell?

therefore, i don't see an overarching theme in my essay. it's more like a story than an analysis of my interest and such.

i do see your point on the takeaway idea, but it seems to me that if i state my point right away, then there would be no element of surprise nor power in the evolution of my interest.

what do you think i should do? keep it as a narrative, or change it in a thesis with support? i felt that the narrative is special and different than the standard way of going about the topic, but if the effect's missing, i'll be more than willing to change it.

yeah, i can see how you were trying to convey that... but honestly, for me, it wasn't easy to catch.. i donno.. ):


cool beans (:


good sentence.


hm.. maybe tie it in with you being a cornell student in the area of econ and math.

Yes, I see! It certainly is not always appropriate to "Say it, explain it, and the say it again," but I often advise people to do that (i.e. introduce the idea in the first para) because they are struggling writers, and they need to get the basics of composition down -- but I would be remiss to suggest that you must adhere to a certain form. This is obviously inspired writing so develop it in the way that seems right.

When I suggest creating a takeaway experience, though, that is something I strongly recommend. People need to hear something several times to remember it. That is why writers often use the conclusion para to refer back to an idea from the intro para. This notion of reinforcing an idea for the reader is one that I want to emphasize to you, because you already write well, and based on my particular outlook it is the idea I have to contribute -- for whatever it is worth!

Anyway, proceed as you will, hero! BTW the most poignant part of the essay is when you say certain classes have been difficult because of being an immigrant - civics, etc. Did you know that this point is actually the most memorable in the whole essay for teacher types like me? It is SO powerful when a young student observes this kind of cultural phenomenon...

yes, definitely agreed. i'll think and talk about it to my college adviser


yup, i guess that's why colleges CONSTANTLY ask the diversity questions and such. I did write an essay on this alone, so hope that will help me positively.

But just out of curiosity, doesn't this get old? I mean, one of the 'moderately dangerous' topics is immigration since it's become such a prevalent theme and all immigrants write about it. but then, it really depends on how one conveys the ideas and not simply stating facts or emotions.

Thanks a lot Kevin (this sounds a bit informal when addressing a teacher, is there a more respectable way to call you?), your comments definitely provide me with a better understanding of my essay. Although I get your idea on the intro thesis, I still have to think about how this plays out in the flow of the entire essay.

Ha ha, no way. Just call me Kevin. Save the formality for people who like that sort of thing. :-)

And yeah, I gues that is a pretty good point. If you write about immigration, it is the "same old story" to some readers. Obviously, it is an intense experience, so... like you said, you need to take a brilliant approach to talking about it. But you have to wait for that sort of thing. I have gone months without coming up with anything inspired, so... sometimes you have to be patient.

yup, i wrote mine really impersonal at first, but then got really harshly criticized. so i restarted and made it somwhat more emotional

i guess that's what you have to focus on, emotions. if you can really "touch" the reader and at the same time doesn't sound pitiful and convey your strengths, it's a great essay.