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First Prize in National Olympiad in Informatics; Lafayette supp- Why not?



VVCepheiA 11 / 30  
Jan 15, 2013   #1
It required a response in 250 words but I made it 314 words...
I would really appreciate it if you would help me shorten it and fix some gramatical mistakes !!!
Thanks a loooooot =)

[Prompt]: In 1777, at the age of 19, the Marquis de Lafayette left a life of privilege and prestige in France and sailed to America to fight for the American Revolution. His family motto guided his sense of adventure and reflects an attitude that pervades Lafayette College today: "Cur Non?" ("Why not?). Based on this motto, discuss a "Why not?" moment in your personal, academic, or social life. Provide a response in 250 words or less.

"Drop it! This is not for you girls!" After seeing my score, the boys laughed at me, the only girl in computer science club.

"Maybe you would better reconsider your choice. You know, most of the members in our club have learned programing for over four years but you have just started it." My teacher tried to dissuade me in a friendlier manner. I had longed to learn programing for years but my score... Embarrassed, I did not know how to response. My teacher smiled comfortingly, " Well, you can think it over. Just if you drop the club, you may have more time to learn something else like math. You are really good at it."

I understood why they said so. I was the only girl in the club who had just taken two lessons and other girls all quitted at that time. I was barely a beginner who scored 12 out of 100 in the competition. Was it possible for such a girl to do well in programming?

However, to me, it is kind of fun to do the impossible. It did not take much time for me to decide that I choose to stay because I believed that if I do not expect the unexpected, I would never find it. Why not be the only one? Why not pursue my love? Why not take the challenge? After my decision, things seemed to go better. I learned and discussed with other members. Sometimes we argued and sometimes we laughed.

After a year's learning, I finally won the First Prize in my region in National Olympiad in Informatics in Provinces. However what I cherished most was not the prize but a special program I developed.

Program Learning;
var Success: boolean;
begin
learn; {Have fun!}
if Success=false then
try harder;
else if Success=true then
learn something new and "impossible";{Have more fun. Why not?}
end.

(314 words)

dumi 1 / 6793  
Jan 15, 2013   #2
You know, most of the members in our club have learned programing for over four years but you have just started it.

...but you've only just started.

My teacher tried to dissuade me in a friendlier manner.

.... in a polite manner.

I understood why they said so. I was the only girl in the club who had just taken two lessons and other girls all quitted at that time.I was barely a beginner who scored 12 out of 100 in the competition. Was it possible for such a girl to do well in programming?

... past tense of "quit" is the same word "quit" and not "quitted".... Also I don't understand why you mentioned about other girls.... the reason is not clear to the reader;

I understood what they meant. Being the only girl in the club with only a couple of lessons I was barely a beginner who scored 12 out of 100 at the competition.
OP VVCepheiA 11 / 30  
Jan 15, 2013   #3
Thanks for your help!!
I mentioned other girls because computer science is considered to be a major for boys in most people's minds... I want to break this kind of prejudice :)

Again, thanks!~
maerd2012 5 / 17  
Jan 15, 2013   #4
I learned and discussed with other members. Sometimes we argued and sometimes we laughed.

Those sentences are not so lively....rephrase or delete them.

as you have to shorten it, dont be too kind to your own words. u can actually make the same point with more concise sentences.

I am rushing my supp at the moment as a procrastinator..sigh... if u get a second, pls help me with mine~
Good luck!:)
dumi 1 / 6793  
Jan 15, 2013   #5
I mentioned other girls because computer science is considered to be a major for boys in most people's minds... I want to break this kind of prejudice :)

:D ... okkkkkkkkkk... but it sounds a bit odd there and therefore I wish you left that out :)

as you have to shorten it, dont be too kind to your own words. u can actually make the same point with more concise sentences.

I think maerd2012 is right. You need to remove certain phrases or words though you don't have a heart to do so. Try and avoid lines that have repetitive ideas.

OK.... here's my help;

"Drop it! This is not for you girls!" After seeing my score, the boys laughed at me, the only girl in computer science club.

"Hey! this is not for girls!", laughed the boys at my poor score. .... I took "only girl" part to the next line;

"Maybe you would better reconsider your choice. You know, most of the members in our club have learned programing for over four years but you have just started it." My teacher tried to dissuade me in a friendlier manner. I had longed to learn programing for years but my score... Embarrassed, I did not know how to response.My teacher smiled comfortingly, " Well, you can think it over. Just if you drop the club, you may have more time to learn something else like math. You are really good at it."

.... I guess the part in bold you can leave out because the teacher's intention is already expressed by the previous line. It sounds repetitive;

"Why not you reconsider your choice? Most of them are senior programmers who learned programming for over four years. You just started only",my teacher said politely. This is what I longed for, but my poor score messed it up. I, the only girl in the computer science club, was lost for words to respond.
OP VVCepheiA 11 / 30  
Jan 31, 2013   #6
I am sorry that I hasn't logged in for a looooong time because the due had come >_<
Thanks for your help guys :)


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