'flourish in this challenging world' How family, culture influenced who you are?

I need this to be proofread-ed ASAP
please someone help:

Topics: How has family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?
Why did you choose to apply to UCF?

My family history and culture has influenced my personality by providing me faith, confidence, and motivation to flourish in this challenging world. I am second generation Cuban-American from both sides of my parents. My grandparents fled Cuba to come to the United States to live a better life. My grandparents never went to college, and had very little or no education. For that reason, they had poor jobs and struggled to survive in this cruel world. Both my parents never had any guidance throughout school, and not enough money to go to college. My parents divorced and my mom married my stepfather. My stepfather was an example for me; he went to college and is a successful businessman. I always did well in school, and I had the advantage of my mother's guidance. My family has always had strong faith in me; they knew I was going to go far in life. I am a role model to my younger siblings, and I want them to follow the same path I am. I am passionate about my education I want to attend one of Florida's best universities. My history has molded me into a self-reliant, hard working individual. I want to thrive for the best I can be.

I am applying to UCF to be in the midst of opportunity and success. I lived in South Florida all my life along with my family. Due to having a mother who truly cares about me and to ensure that I don't make her biggest mistake of not going to college, I've had superior grades ever since I started school. If I received any grade lower than a B it was unacceptable in her eyes. She has pushed me to strive for success until I was able to achieve it on my own. Aside from education I've had an extreme passion for dance throughout my life. When I stopped dancing, I started to be involved in something different every year in high school. Whether it was from color guard, ecology club, community involvement, or swimming, I like to try different things and I never quit, even if I truly despise what I am doing, I always finish what I start. I am an independent person who's not afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone. To accelerate my education and to feel confident before going to college, I decided to dual enroll in Broward College. From taking these courses I feel prepared and confident for the next big step after I graduate high school, to attend a prestigious university. I choose UCF because it is a well-known university, it's the "Nation's 6th largest public university", also "Florida's 2nd largest University" and it is conveniently located in Orlando, one of my beloved cities, and one of the largest tourism places in the world. With that being said, there isn't a better place of going to an outstanding school and having a wonderful advantage of the school's location for so much opportunity to prosper.

please help, thanks!

Hi Nicky

My first Q: where/what is UCF? UC Florida?

First para, too much about family points. nothing really about how it has affected you... points are strong. Ending of that para is ok.. selling yourself is nice. but keep out the sob story and explain how, more like tell how, it has changed you.

Since you mention mother in para 2, talk more about her. something that may be different from other applicants. she's your mom. your only mom.


But please, take that out. You're NOT going to school to please her. It's your own education and you're not putting that in good light.


I like how it pops up in para two. New paragraph needed or information adjusted. And that's it. dancing ended. then random activities that have nada to do with the prompt. To make an analogy, you are dancing with Adcoms to get into their school/college/university. don't halt to an end with the question on hand and try to suck up to them. Won't work well, I promise you. I don't think stats helps all that much either.

I think you should wright how your family history influenced on you and that you appreciate them.

In the second para talk about your achieves that you have made in ecology club, community involvement and other your interests.

Maybe if you give more important, more serious reasons why you chose that university and say that you can open your abilities more and even bring use for the university, your intentions will seem more serious.

thank you both for the advice , i'm working on my new essay.

Neither of my parents ever had any guidance throughout school, and not enough money to go to college.

I have lived in South Florida all my life along with my family.

Due to having a mother who truly cares about me and to ensure that I go to college , I've had superior grades ever since I started school.

Aside from my education, I've had an extreme passion for dance throughout my life.

Because of taking these courses, I feel prepared and confident of the next big step after...

I chose UCF because it is a well-known university,...