Food & Culture (University of Michigan)

I don't know if my essay effectively answers the question below. Any suggestions on topic or grammar correction will be appreciated. ^^
The essay I wrote is a little longer,can anyone help me to delete the redundant part?

Prompt:
"We know that diversity makes us a better university --- better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research." (U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)

Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

When I was ten years old, I was selected to take part in a cultural exchange with children from five other Asian countries. A camping trip completely altered our originally distant relationship caused by language barriers.

The first night we spent on the mountain, the organizers advised us make some cuisines representing our own countries. When I was making the traditional meat stuffing for dumplings, a student from India suggested I add some curry into it and pour some royal fizz on the dumplings. Although I was reluctant to accept his advice because I regarded the original Chinese dishes were the best, still I added the exotic ingredients he suggested so as not to disappoint him. However, I had never expected the traditional Chinese dumplings, Indian curry and English topping to become the most popular dishes on the table. The dramatic effect of mixing different ingredients together brought me to a deep consideration of the combination of diverse cultures. Since then, I tried to learn from my peers about their cultures through body language, and our friendships quickly formed. This experience not only broadened my horizons but also endowed me with a comprehensive perspective towards diverse cultures. Now, no matter where I go, I always serve as a cultural ambassador that assimilates the essence of every civilization and combine them with my own background.

Thousands of years ago, the construction of a heaven-reaching tower was interrupted when the builders were unable to understand one another's language. Nowadays, with the help of globalization, the diverse cultures are blending with each other because of human beings' common quest for "artes scientia veritas." I believe my eclectic attitude towards understanding and promoting different cultures will definitely accelerate the blend of diverse cultures in the University of Michigan.

QUESTION: Is there any words that can replace 'culture'and 'diverse' that will also be suitable for this essay?

This is a very good start. The story is charming and to the point. However, it leaves you at the level of childish appreciation of the cuisine of other cultures. Bring us forward into the present and future by discussing what else about meeting people from other cultures you do or will appreciate.

But your not saying that you will promote culture. Your comprehesion only shows that you understand and accept culture.

This essay is clear in answering the prompt. However I believe that it lacks some depth.

It definitely answers the prompt, but only talks about learning about other cultures food. Maybe you could talk about how you learned to appreciate the other children's beliefs or behaviors that were different than yours.

Here are a few grammatical changes:

A sense of achievement aroused when I saw my dishes were quickly finished by others. I also tasted the exotic food like Sushi, Korean grill, braised beef with cheesy potatoes for first time in my life.

Yeah, simone. Thank you for your suggestions. Actually I also think the essay lacks some depth.I wanted to say more about learning to appreciate other's cultures. But the word limit is about 250. So I am afraid that my essay will be too long if I discuss that. Is there any part that I can shorten to leave space for deep discussion?

Anyway, I will try my best to revise it.

^ I think you can omit the part about your stereotypes because the changing of your stereotypess is not the focus of this passage.

Perhaps the singing around the fire part can be left out also. I know that you are just trying to show the strong bond that you developed with the others but the sentence before that wraps it up pretty well.

I have an idea. Maybe you can make your story stronger by talking about the process of making the foods. Did you make all the foods together or individualy?

Perhaps you realized aspects of their different cultures through this experience.

Good luck

Some changes:
I realized the uniqueness of combining diverse cultures together=>
The dramatic effect of mixing different ingredients together brought me to a deep consideration of the combination of diverse cultures.

much better!
When I was ten, I was selected to conducttake part in a cultural exchange with children from five other Asian countries at ten years old . A camping trip totally changed the situation ofcompletely altered our originally distant relationship caused by language differencebarriers .

The Ff irst night we livedspent on the mountain, the organizers suggested us makingwe make some cuisines representing our own countries. When I was making the traditional meat stuffing for dumplings, a student from India suggested me addingI add some curry into it and pouring some royal fizz on the dumplings. Although at first I was quite reluctant to accept his advice because I regarded the original Chinese dishes were theas best, still I added the exotic ingredients he suggested so as not to disappoint him.

Kritipg:
HAHA~it's nice to see you Kritipg!!! I thought maybe you are busy with your homework or school stuff. Thank you for your careful suggestions!

Actually I think civilization may be the synonym as culture, I don't want culture to appear again and again so I used the word civilization. So it may be not suitable here. Do you have any suggestion how to change it?

Thank you again for your help!!! ^^

I think this essay is pretty good however Liebe makes crucial points.
I don't recommend you scratch this essay but I do suggest you look into the social and intellectual difference part of the essay and see if you can write about those instead.

Llamapoop123
UMM,Do you mean that I should write another new essay or delve into the intellectual and social difference part of this essay?

The essay question asked for intellectual, social, OR cultural differences.

If you agree with our suggestions for this essay but can't find ways to include them because of space or something then thinking about a different topic doesn't hurt. Now I think that your essay is adequate for UM admissions, having lived in Ann Arbor for half my life I've had dozens of friends who went to Michigan with horrible essays. Not that your essay is horrible.

Llamapoop123
I believe gourment culture is also an indispensable part of culture.
So I related my topic to food.

Forgive me. I meant completely starting a new essay that deals with a different example which shows your respect for intellectual or social differences. However I do like this essay, I am just giving you alternatives if you find this essay inadequate.

lol that sounds very much like you, Liebe.
Also, change "because I regarded the original Chinese dishes were the best" to "because i regarded the original Chinese dishes as the best."

"so as not to disappoint him" is fine, keep it the way it was. I think Liebe's correction of it sounds more awkward.


I think it IS necessary. It's a unique analogy that makes the essay stand out.


Well, UM is NOT expecting you to have experienced every culture in their prompt. Very, very few students will have met people from every part of the world. In your case, having met people from different parts of Asia gives you cultural maturity a lot of people don't have, and I think this was a perfect example for you to use in your essay. Even if you had met other cultures, it would take too long to explain. This is the right topic for a short essay.

Yea. My suggestion may have been awkward because I was working on an already awkwardly expressed sentence.


It is not as much an analogy as it is just a quotation. It's usefulness is highly debatable. Also, inserting quotations in essays has become rather lame in my opinion.


^Yes, UM is not expecting this at all.
In my case? Actually I have met all of these ethnic groups and not just people from different parts of Asia. Unless, you were referring to tiantian lawlzz

Anyways, sentences like these really 'annoyed me':

'Now, no matter where I go, I always serve as a cultural ambassador that assimilates the essence of every civilization and combine them with my own background.'

^Just because tiantian has seen five other Asian countries, does that mean that she can go to Saudi Arabia, or Finland, and serve as a cultural ambassador? No.

I do agree with you that this experience can offer 'cultural maturity', but unlike you, I think most people do have it. You see Indian and Chinese people everywhere; they are ubiquitous ;). Tiantian has not said what the other four ethnic groups were, but I presume that these ethnic groups are also found in most of the countries abroad.

Like I said earlier, I fail to see how meeting with five other kids from five other Asian countries, and eating a dumpling with a bit of curry and an English drink (which is not even Asian, therefore is not a sample of any of those Asian kid's culture) allows tiantian to think that she is so multicultural. I just think her claims are a bit too bold. That is all.

I was referring to tiantian.

I agree that some statements take it a little far, which is why I did not comment on that part of your comments, Liebe. I am only saying that this example is fine to use for such a short essay, because what could she talk about that would be all-encompassing? Therefore, I think the topic itself is fine, but perhaps some of the statements about what she has gotten from it need to be toned down.

I think universities like honesty. Everyone will say "...and this has made me an extremely diverse person who is able to understand all cultures..." or something to that extent. They're trying to sell themselves to the University. It would actually be more unique to talk about how the diversity you have experienced on a smaller scale (Asian countries) has contributed to a little cultural growth. Just try and be honest and take out cliche sentences, tiantian. Think hard about what this experience has really given you, if anything. Then your essay will come across as sincere and you will stand out.

I knew that. I thought the 'lawlz' made it clear.


I never said that the topic is not fine. I merely commented on the grand statements that have been made.

^^ yea! ive met all of those ethnic groups too. in fact i go to school with them and a whole lot of others.
i actually think a lot of ple applying there will have met ple from all over. i mean look at the topic of the essay. most ple will probabaly write about something like this.

not at all am i trying to take away from wahat tiantian12 has written about or done, but a lot of ple have had similar experiences in meeting lots of different cultures.

maybe, you should talk about how each food represented something different or something,a dn each food represetned diversity.
idk.

my friend got into NYU just this past year and he wrote an essay on his sweatshirts, and how he has lots of different ones, different colors and how each of them represents diversity because of this. dude, be creative.

good luck!