Hello, I have to write an essay for my internship this summer,
and I want your advices. Any advices are welcomed since my writing skills are not that great.
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
As I was sitting on the chairs in airport in Korea, my head was filled with excitement staying in the United States for two weeks. It was during 5th grade winter break and the first travel going to abroad. After I finally realized that we have emigrated and imagined myself living in the United States, which was a strange country to me, I decided to be a strong, independent child who will not disappoint my devoted parents. Consequently, the language problems had been the biggest concern and are still my priorities to overcome as an immigrant. This self-determination would be the best thing I have been inherited from my parents, to confront the problems that are afflicting and stand up dauntlessly to reach my goal.
Family would probably be the most important thing in the world for people. Depends on whether to have an amiable family or to have a family under dysfunction, its personality, interpersonal skills, and ability to deal within society are very likely to be changed permanently. I personally consider myself very lucky since my family has always been supportive and considerate about my life. Being very passionate and enthusiastic about us and the future, my parents are the one who had been suffering the most. In a foreign country from Korea, without any knowledge of speaking English, they overcame all the problems existed in the beginning, and are now working diligently for my college tuition. Sometimes, coming home with depression from school work, or rebelling against them for bringing me to the United States, my parents always comforted and tried to lecture me which led me to go through epiphany of their struggles. They were just much as tired as I was, and they were still trying to accept my thoughtless complaints. Since then, I am trying to be obedient of getting good grades from school, and revere them with full respect.
I'm going to write another paragraph continuting where I left off,
about how my family had influenced me.
Any advices are welcome, and thank you.
I think your essay is quite OK. However, it seems incomplete. Maybe you will try to complete the remaining paragraph and make a closing. About your language skill, I think you should try more varied sentence structures and widened vocabulary in order to make it more impressive.
As I sat in a Korean airport, my head was filled with excitement about staying in the United States for two weeks.
It was during 5th grade winter break and my first time traveling abroad.
...independent child who would not disappoint my devoted parents.
Consequently, the language problems had been the biggest concern, and it is still my priority to overcome obstacles as an immigrant.
This self-determination would be the best thing I have been inherited from my parents, to confront the problems that are afflicting me and stand up dauntlessly to reach my goal.----I like this sentence!! I just had to add one word.
Depending on whether one has an amiable family or a family of dysfunction, its personality, interpersonal skills, and ability to deal with society are very likely to be changed permanently.
Use a comma:
... and tried to lecture me, which led me to go through epiphany about their struggles.
They were just much as tired as I was, and they were still trying to accept my thoughtless complaints. ---Another great sentence!! But you do not need the word "much."
:-)
