I will forever be nostalgic for the summer of 09 - PENN STATE essay

Hi everyone, before we start id like to thank anyone who helps me out. i appreciate it very much. im so nervous about turning this in.

This is what i have, its 23 chars over the limit so i need to shorten it.

the personal statement is for penn state, they ask

Please choose one of your activities or another experience you would like to share and provide a short description of its importance to you. Include why that commitment could be relevant to your student experience at Penn State.

I will forever be nostalgic for the summer of 09. On may 25th my highschool sweetheart and longtime girlfriend of 2 years gave birth to our daughter. It was an experience that has affected me profoundly.

The birth of my daughter has taught me many things. First of all it has shown me what my highest priorities are. The highest priority for me is to be able to take care of my family. I believe that through determination and hard work i can achieve this but an education is a must if I plan to succeed. As a high school dropout i was taught this the hard way, but because of that a thirst and hunger for academics has been ingrained into me.

Secondly, my daughter has instilled discipline in me. Having one person dependant on you for survival is a demanding job. It has also taught me to be a more selfless person and to have compassions for others. Lastly, it has taught me that I want to better myself so i can be a role model to my daughter, or anything else whose situation was like mine.

I believe these qualities make me an ideal penn state student, and I am sure that penn state is the right college for me to attend. Ive always rooted for the Nittany Lions, and I can picture myself studying on campus now.

if you guys could just help me out, i need to delete 23 chars, probably some errors in there, and my grammar isnt the best, so id like some help with that.

thanks alot!

Say this directly, albeit without the profanity. It expresses what you are trying to say much more directly than the metaphor about "hunger and thirst." You know, much more so than most incoming college students, just how important a college degree will be. Consequently, you are not likely to waste the opportunity, if only they will give you the chance.

Good essay overall. You have a clear, strong motivation to do well in university in the form of your daughter. That's understandable and respectable. This, on the other hand, is dull and pointless:


Delete it. Replace it with a concluding sentence that expresses how you see attending Penn as the best way to become a better provider for your family.

sometimes its hard to understand the critiques of others as a writer, but i agree with what liebe has said.

you have to go into detail. the people who read your paper are NOT going to know that the hard way was working those crappy jobs. theyre just going to say okay and. its going to go right over their heads actually.

i know your trying to think of something to say to prove how much you really like school, but thirst and hunger is a little bit too little for you i believe. get deep man!! think about it this way. your a father. you had to drop out. now you wanna get back in to take care of your daughter and your family. how bad do u want this?!?!? now i know you can come up with something better than that!! let it show.

details, even though the space is limited, are a necessity. thats what makes ur essay not all vague and one big clump of non emotion. i know you want this given your situation, now prove it through your essay!! just listen and give the details where liebe says you should! lol. (liebe has helped me a lot with my essays)

waht you can do, is write the essay (with suggested details), post it on the forum and even if its over the limit, people can critique and then take out some stuff, you can take out some stuff, and then get it to be under the character limit.

good luck!!