Can anyone please tell me or give me an advice on how to make my intro. interesting? Also I need help with the conclusion because I think it sounds a bit cliche.. Thank you so much!!!!
This is my personal statement for the Common App. - free response
My parents set a future plan for me to learn swimming. Ever since I was a child, I would always have private lessons every day. A few years passed when I learned that it was kind of a tradition in Korea for children to learn and pick swimming as their sports. However, I disliked swimming so I decided to go against the tradition and instead choose my ideal sport. This was probably my first time going against my parent's wishes, but I wanted them to know what I really wanted to do. A few years went and I grew interest in golf when I saw a high school golf team enjoy as they carry their golf bags while walking on the fairways. Golf interested me because it doesn't require intense physical activity. So, I decided freshmen year that I was going to pick golf as my ideal school sport.
After graduating from middle school, I stopped taking swimming lessons and started to learn to play golf in July so that I could try out for golf in the beginning of August. The day finally came for the golf try-out. When I was done I looked at my score card and I felt a little disappointed because the score didn't come out as good as I wanted it to be. However, the coach put me in the team anyway because I had a really nice golf swing and he thought I had a lot of potential and talent in golf. In contrast to my imagination of golf, the joy of becoming a part of the golf team lasted very shortly as the intensity of the practice and the game grew stronger. Far from what I had in mind, carrying a heavy golf bag and practicing almost every day while the weather was scorching hot was definitely not pretty. It was torture. Even though I felt that I improved a little, my score was noticeably different and higher than most of my team members as they were well prepared for this compared to me as I was still new to the world of golf.
I knew I had to do something in order for me to play better than the rest of them. I had to practice harder and find a better way to fix my game because I set a goal to participate at least once at the Girls State Tournament. Unfortunately, I was the shortest and weighed less than the other girls. Because of this, I had a disadvantage of not being able to produce enough power to drive the ball farther and this became my biggest handicap. But on the bright side, I found out that I had a better accuracy and control on a ball than others. I had the chance to focus more in the short game and accuracy to lower my score for me to have a chance of making the cut at the Girls State Tournament.
I didn't make the cut my freshman year but I experienced something great from it. The next year was heartbreaking because I was so close in making the cut. Then during the summer break, I formed a plan and decided to practice five to six hours a day. My effort finally paid off because my score did drop from 100's to low 80's. With all the effort and hard work, in my junior year I finally made the cut and participated in the Girls State Tournament that was held in Virginia Beach. When I look back to that time, I am glad that I didn't give up in golf even though I was busy preparing for the SAT's and the audition for Senior Regional Orchestra. In the midst of this, I had to visit the doctor a few times for a swollen wrist due to long golf practices. There were many times when I doubted myself with all the work I had to get done. Nevertheless, after I successfully accomplished my goal, I gained a great deal of confidence.
This is my personal statement for the Common App. - free response
My parents set a future plan for me to learn swimming. Ever since I was a child, I would always have private lessons every day. A few years passed when I learned that it was kind of a tradition in Korea for children to learn and pick swimming as their sports. However, I disliked swimming so I decided to go against the tradition and instead choose my ideal sport. This was probably my first time going against my parent's wishes, but I wanted them to know what I really wanted to do. A few years went and I grew interest in golf when I saw a high school golf team enjoy as they carry their golf bags while walking on the fairways. Golf interested me because it doesn't require intense physical activity. So, I decided freshmen year that I was going to pick golf as my ideal school sport.
After graduating from middle school, I stopped taking swimming lessons and started to learn to play golf in July so that I could try out for golf in the beginning of August. The day finally came for the golf try-out. When I was done I looked at my score card and I felt a little disappointed because the score didn't come out as good as I wanted it to be. However, the coach put me in the team anyway because I had a really nice golf swing and he thought I had a lot of potential and talent in golf. In contrast to my imagination of golf, the joy of becoming a part of the golf team lasted very shortly as the intensity of the practice and the game grew stronger. Far from what I had in mind, carrying a heavy golf bag and practicing almost every day while the weather was scorching hot was definitely not pretty. It was torture. Even though I felt that I improved a little, my score was noticeably different and higher than most of my team members as they were well prepared for this compared to me as I was still new to the world of golf.
I knew I had to do something in order for me to play better than the rest of them. I had to practice harder and find a better way to fix my game because I set a goal to participate at least once at the Girls State Tournament. Unfortunately, I was the shortest and weighed less than the other girls. Because of this, I had a disadvantage of not being able to produce enough power to drive the ball farther and this became my biggest handicap. But on the bright side, I found out that I had a better accuracy and control on a ball than others. I had the chance to focus more in the short game and accuracy to lower my score for me to have a chance of making the cut at the Girls State Tournament.
I didn't make the cut my freshman year but I experienced something great from it. The next year was heartbreaking because I was so close in making the cut. Then during the summer break, I formed a plan and decided to practice five to six hours a day. My effort finally paid off because my score did drop from 100's to low 80's. With all the effort and hard work, in my junior year I finally made the cut and participated in the Girls State Tournament that was held in Virginia Beach. When I look back to that time, I am glad that I didn't give up in golf even though I was busy preparing for the SAT's and the audition for Senior Regional Orchestra. In the midst of this, I had to visit the doctor a few times for a swollen wrist due to long golf practices. There were many times when I doubted myself with all the work I had to get done. Nevertheless, after I successfully accomplished my goal, I gained a great deal of confidence.
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