Freedom, Music, Well-roundedness - URochester - Why URochester?

Hi guys,

Can someone look over my URochester supplement? It's seriously one of the worst supplements I wrote so far lol... Also need to cut out 40 words.

Thanks in advance! I'll be happy to look over your essay too!

Prompt: The University of Rochester offers many rare advantages, building from our "Meliora" ("ever-better") motto that has inspired generations of scholars, professionals, and artists. Describe what's leading you to apply, and what kind of "Meliora" experiences you want to have here at Rochester and beyond. (250 words maximum)

(287 words)
I am claustrophobic- not in the sense that I fear confined spaces, but in the sense that I fear being limited by my knowledge of the current world. The University of Rochester would fulfill my desires not only to expand my global horizons, but also to become well-rounded academically and musically.

Freedom. The University of Rochester's open curriculum not only encourages me to study what I truly love, but also compels me to comprehensively grasp knowledge in several different fields. Allowing students to choose what appeal to them and offering the ability to "Take Five" exemplify the University of Rochester's ambition to produce and provide for upcoming leaders, and this approach in turn yields students that become more passionate, informative, and academically well-rounded.

Passion. No formula exists to sufficiently express the pleasure and fulfillment that comes from playing the harp, whether enhancing the orchestra or playing for my own musical growth. At the University of Rochester, such musical possibilities remain literally at my fingertips. Coming from a high school that lacked an orchestra, I hope to resume performing music in a group and plan to audition for both the symphony and studio orchestras.

Well-roundedness. The University of Rochester truly offers limitless opportunities in many different areas that I hope to become a part of; whether volunteering at the hospital, performing with a quartet, or viewing stars in the astronomy club, I have no doubt that immersing myself in all these activities and opportunities will leave me with a broader understanding and new perspective of the world around me. With collaborative students that share a similar curiosity, compassionate professors, and endless opportunities unique to this school, the University of Rochester nurtures the ambition to experience life "ever better."

The essay content is great. You started with a strong voice and ended with U. Rochester's greatness. I hope you could find a way to relate U. Rochester's greatness to a your own greatness because of U. Rochester's one of a kind curriculum as you have mentioned it earlier in your prompt.

the parts in strike are the words/phrases I think you can omit so that you could utilize stronger words.

\I am claustrophobic- not in the sense that I fear confined spaces, but in the sense that I fear being limited by my knowledge of the current world. The University of Rochester would fulfill my desires not only to expand my global horizons, but also to become well-rounded academically and musically.

Freedom. The University of Rochester's open curriculum not only encourages me to study what I truly love, but alsoand compels me to comprehensively grasp knowledge in several different( sounds a bit redundant) fields. Allowing students to choose what appeal to them and offering the ability to "Take Five" exemplify the University of Rochester's ambition to produce and provide for upcoming leaders, and this approach in turn yields students that become more passionate, informative, and academically well-rounded.( focus more on you first. you can relate this part in your third paragraph)

Passion. No formula exists to sufficiently express the pleasure and fulfillment that comes from playing the harp, whether enhancing the orchestra or playing for my own musical growth. At the University of Rochester, such musical possibilities remain literally at my fingertipsare in my reach . Coming from a high school that lacked an orchestra( i think you can omit this part) , I hope to resume performingperform music in a group and plan to audition for both the symphony and studio orchestras.

Well-roundedness. The University of Rochester truly offers limitless opportunities in many different areas that I hope to become a part of; whether volunteering at the hospital, performing with a quartet, or viewing stars in the astronomy club, I have no doubt that immersing myself in all these activities and opportunities will leavegive me witha broader understandingmore knowledge and a new perspective of the world around me. WithAs Icollaborativecollaborate with students that share a similar curiosity, as well as compassionate professors, and endless opportunities unique to this school, the University of Rochester nurtures the ambition to experience life "ever better."