Could you please review my essay for UIUC.
TOPIC: In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.
In 1953, as Erwin Schrödinger drew closer to advancing the then new world of quantum mechanics, he coined the term "Verschränkung"- which translates literally to "entanglement". Over the years, as my passion for physics expanded much like the new-born universe, I related this term to how my interests in life and physics became wrapped together as a single entity.
It all started in the fifth grade when one day I found myself with an encyclopedia, rather than my usual Hardy Boys. As I flipped through its pages, I discovered the immense world of physics. Soon the novels of magic and mysteries were replaced by those of great scientific endeavors and breakthroughs. I often found myself questioning everything around me - from the light bulbs in my room, to the tiny ones in the night sky. When I found answers, several more questions began to spawn in my mind. Question by question, answer by answer- that's how I wove my life and physics together.
Like most other boys of my age, I was attracted to fast cars and loud music. But added to that was my love for all things quantum and astronomical. As years went by, my knowledge accumulated through documentaries, articles, books, and the 35 minute physics classes I had every day.
I realized the worth of that accumulation halfway through my junior year when I found myself free of one burden which bore down on my friends- deciding what to major in. As I searched for colleges, I realized that after high school, I could study exactly what I like, surrounded by people who shared my interest in physics.
With this past as the cornerstone of my future, I not only intend to continue weaving this passion, but also starting to weave the future of physics, from where enthusiasts before me left off.
This is very well written and fun to read. I like the personal touch, but I think you need to add more about your future goals. This is more like a description of how you got here than an explanation of your present and future plans. Keep parts of the "origin story," but expand on your later life.
I like it very much, especially the part "from the light bulbs in my room, to the tiny ones in the night sky". :)
I think the content is very nice, but that's all I can say. As I'm not a native speaker I won't be able to correct style or grammar that well.
I agree for the most part with the posters above and truly found this essay enjoyable to read. I like the structure of the essay and how you discuss why it is that you are interested in majoring in physics. One possible suggestion is at the end, where maybe you could discuss more of what specifically you would like to do with a major in physics and how UIUC can help you to achieve this goal.