What have you gained from the activities and experiences listed in Part VI, you'll use in McIntire?

Hello everyone and thank you for your help, this forum is truly one of a kind. This is one of the essays I am required to write and would absolutely be indebted to you if you took the time to read it and critique the content.

Does it answer the question being asked?
Am I clear on my descriptions?
Is my tone appropriate?

Thanks!

-Harry

What have you gained from the activities and experiences listed in Part VI that will help you contribute to the overall experience of fellow McIntire students?

I always believed that competition brings out the best in us, a natural motivator. Throughout all of my life, I have been competing one way or another for the prize, such as piano concerts or admissions; however, this belief changed during the summer of 2008, when I received my first full-time job at Xceed Technologies, Inc.

It was my first time working in a professional environment and I was proud of my little cubicle on the corner. I wanted to assure to my employer that he made the right decision. My job was to work with Anwar, the software testing engineer, and write testing scripts for their product.

"Take a week or two and learn the basics, let me know if you need anything" he said and left me alone to tinker with the scripts. The scripts were surprisingly easy to understand thanks to computer science courses and felt that a week or two should've been more like a day or two. I got a sense that they really didn't expect much from me; I didn't want to be just another unproductive intern. After a few hours of analyzing his scripts and reading the help tutorial, I realized a much more efficient way to complete the same tasks, using the concept of loops I learned in computer science. "I'll show him,!" I thought to myself as I typed up the more efficient versions of his scripts. Surely enough he was surprised when I showed him my finished work. I was quickly given another task and this loop repeated itself for days. I was foolish to be competing with Anwar. I realized that no matter how fast I complete my assignments, I wasn't really getting anywhere. This was when I decided to stop trying to tirelessly prove myself and actually try to understand what Anwar's main problems were and how I could help him. I decided to work under the spirit of cooperation rather than competition and this was a turning point in my internship.

This was when I found out that the scripts were only a small part to the big picture. Opportunities opened and more challenging tasks were assigned to me. I eventually got to meet the CEO and other officers of the company, and was even given assignments directly from them. Anwar put in a good word for me.

I learned that so much more work gets done with the spirit of cooperation rather that of competition. There are many classes that encourage cooperation but sadly too many classes separate the students from working together. The commerce school is no exception and I look forward to working together with other aspiring leaders.

I always believed that competition brings out the best in us, a process that puts healthy pressure on individuals. Throughout all of my life, I have been competing one way or another for the "prize", be it piano concerts to admissions; however , this belief changed during the summer of 2008 , when I received my first full-time job as an intern at Xceed Technologies, Inc.

"Take a week or two and learn the basics, let me know if you need anything, " he said and left me alone to tinker with the scripts.

It's a good idea and you wrote it pretty well. The middle para looks a bit lengthy though, you might wanna split it.

Good luck :)

I learned that so much more work gets done underwith the spirit of cooperation rather that of competition. Cooperative effort relieves stress and ultimately improves any outcomes in any kind of situation, in the workplace or in class. The commerce school is no exception and I look forward to working together with other aspiring leaders.

Yes, I think the tone is appropriate, and you seem very genuine. This answers the question very well!

Thank you Constance, Wong Xin Ying and Kevin for reading over my essay and replying, I have put in your contributions in my essay along with a few other changes after reading it over.

I wonder if this tone is more appropriate, as I reworded many sentences.

-Harry

the version above is the final version after being revised for the character limit. thank you.

Now, that first paragraph seems incomplete. it is short, and there is room at the end for a thesis statement. For this essay, your thesis statement can tell just exactly how your belief changed so that the deader knows what to expect from the essay. The thesis statement is the soul of the essay, its core truth.

"The scripts were surprisingly easy to understand thanks to computer science courses and felt that a week or two should've been more like a day or two." The scripts took computer science courses and developed feelings? Congratulations on your invention of advance A.I. Either that, or shame on you for not keeping track of the subject of your sentence :-)