George Washington University- Transfer Student Admissions Essay

Hello,

This is a rough draft of my admissions essay. I'd like some feedback on the content and if the wording is awkward...actually all feedback is welcome.

Thanks.

Tell us in approximately 500 words why at this point in your academic or professional career you would like to transfer to GW?

My life is a journey. I believe that. There are always going to be obstacles along the way but I must push forward, never stop. I honestly can't say that I had considered George Washington University an "obstacle" along the way but I didn't think the Marine Corps was either. The traits I developed and the lessons I learned as a Marine has made me who I am today. Honor, courage, commitment, discipline, integrity and judgment were actions exemplified by the Marines I served with. It wasn't easy but what I learned gave me the tools I need to succeed in life. If the Marine Corps was an "obstacle", it has been the most rewarding one yet. I received an Honorable Discharge on June 18th of this year and am now working as a contractor for the Defense Intelligence Agency. I could settle for this, but I want more. This spring I'm seeking to become a student at George Washington University.

As a student, I would like to pursue a Bachelor of Business Administration degree concentrating on information systems. I am currently working in the information technology field as a network engineer. I enjoy my work, however I'd like to move towards management. Because GW is located in the heart of our nation's capitol, and minutes away from the region's IT corridor, as a student I'd have access to some of the best internships in my field. Given the opportunity, I could open many doors as a graduate from GW.

There are many extracurricular activities that interest me as well. Because GW puts such an emphasis on leadership, service, community and student organizations, you stand out as a unique and inviting opportunity. As a Marine I was active in many community programs. It was encouraged and rewarding for us to volunteer... it made us better leaders. I've been looking for a school that I can get involved with and learn from, not just to earn a degree, but to build on skills that will guide me in life. As a student at GW, one of my goals would be to continue practicing solid management and leadership skills through my work in the student government, various student organizations and as a volunteer.

I can sum up my thoughts by saying that GW is a great school and this is a huge opportunity for me. Without your participation in the "Yellow Ribbon Program" I don't think applying to GW would have been practical. Now I feel there are more opportunities to achieve my ambitions. I'm focused more then ever on finishing an education that will allow me to more effectively contribute something back to society. Because of your emphasis on leadership and producing leaders for tomorrow, through your curriculum and community, I feel that this will be a thorough academic experience for me while I earn my degree. f my life is a journey and I seek to be an extraordinary person, I have many more challenges to face. I'm ready to continue this journey and am hopeful that my path leads through George Washington University, an institute that will help prepare me to face those challenges.

My life is a journey. I believe that.I don't think you need to reconfirm that..or at least merge the two.

IfI think you should state that it was. the Marine Corps was an "obstacle", it has been the most rewarding one yet. I received an Honorable Discharge on June 18th of this year and am now working as a contractor for the Defense Intelligence Agency. I could settle for this, but I want more .More what? This spring I'm seeking to become a student at George Washington University.

As a studentsounds unnecessary, I would like to pursue a Bachelor of Business Administration degree concentrating on information systems.

There are many extracurricular activities that interest me as well. Because GW puts such an emphasis on leadership, service, community and student organizations, youMaybe you should include that YOU, not the reader, would be suitable for GW's leadership program because you have developed that trait while in the Marinesstand out as a unique and inviting opportunity. < >As a Marine I was active in many community programs. It was encouraged ing and rewarding for us to volunteer... it made us better leaders. <Abrupt shift?>I've been looking for a school that I can get involved with and learn from, not just to earn a degree, but to build on skills that will guide me in life Cool :).

My life is a journey. I believe that.
This sounds silly. I doubt that anyone would deny that life is not a journey.
There are always going to be obstacles...
Quite...Broad and obvious.
I honestly can't say that I had considered ...
A little confusing to me.
The traits I developed and the lessons ...
I feel that you can combine these two sentences.
If the Marine Corps was an "obstacle"...
I truely do not understand the obsticle thing. Why would it be an obsticle?
This spring I'm seeking to become a student ...
Obviously.
It was encouraged and rewarding for us to volunteer...
"..."?

I can sum up my thoughts ... GW would have been practical.
... to more effectively contribute something back to society.

If my life is a journey and I seek to be an ...
reword

You open with a cliche. Not good.


And continue with a completely unnecessary sentence (obviously you believe it, or you wouldn't have written it in the first place.) Even worse.


Wordy, vague, and cliche. The phrase "unholy trinity" comes to mind.


Finally, something that could be interesting. Of course, you don't explain how the Marines you worked with displayed these characteristics, nor do you claim these characteristics for yourself, which is odd, since, as a Marine, you presumably were also honorable, courageous, etc., and might reasonably want your reader to know this.


This is your topic? So the whole Marine thing was a red herring?

Okay, from this point on your essay begins to be a bit more focused, but it still doesn't gel as much as you'd probably like, and you should be more specific. What skills do you want to learn, exactly? What doors do you see opening for you? What are your ambitions? How do you want to contribute to society? Etc. You could just delete the first paragraph and tighten up the rest of your essay, but being a Marine is impressive, so you probably should include it somewhere. Can you figure out a way to do so that connects the information to your future aspirations and plans for attending George Washington University?

All of this can go. As others have pointed out, the first two sentences are trite. You follow by saying what you can't say and didn't think -- not a very positive way to start an essay. Begin with what you have next.


Hmmm... Double negative there, but I bet you mean that you doubt anyone would deny that life is a journey. I deny that. The journey motif, often paired with the heroic quest motif, is a very common way of portraying life but certainly not the only way to see it.

Wow...whoops. I was seeing it through the literal definition of a journey which is getting from one place to another.

Right, but in some spiritual systems, the start and end point are the same place and journey is not the metaphor used.