Hi so yea the topic says all (english is my weakest area thus i hate essays) this is the best i was able to conjure and edit so plz critique it. thanks in advance.
ps i think it is too short, if anyone else has any ideas on what i could elaborate or write more about pls say so. ( im REALLY REALLY REALLY interested in ga tech :) ) so yea thanks
due on tuesday
start going men
In the event that requires me to take a year off from school I choose to spend my time traveling South Korea. I choose to travel all around Korea to learn much of its culture and history that it left behind for the world to admire at. I would visit the duksoo palace (Lee dynasty palace, last dynasty in Korea) and memorial site of Korea's all-time national hero, my hero as well, Admiral Yi Sun Shin (equivalent to George Washington except defended Korea from foreign nation Japan). Not only do I wish to try some delicious food that is exclusive to only Korea like Sanche, but to experience snow for the first time of my life in Korea.
Also another reason I choose Korea to travel is to keep learning about my heritage that I know so little about.Although I was born in the United States of America and am a citizen, I'm a full blooded Korean also. Life was hard for me when I was young, not understanding english and going to American school when at that time my tongue spoke only Korean. I was soon forced to quickly adopt and adapt to the white man culture in order to be accepted by my peers and to suceed in the society I live in, however I couldn't celebrate my "achievement" because of my guilt for not embracing the culture that my parents instilled in me. What I hope to gain, aside from knowledge, is to redeem myself from my selfish act and to embrace my national heritage. By visiting this beautiful nation, I hope to enlighten myself of my culture's history and learn its trademark that it left for the world to respect. I hope to improve my linguistic knowledge as I travel on the soil of Korea so I can better communicate and understand my people's heritage, and I hope to make myself a better person and become a worthy representative of Korea in the United States of America.
I think you should write a totally different subject.
If I was an admission officer, my impression of the essay would be:
"Georgia Tech is a tech school (obviously). If you want to learn about the Korean culture so much, Georgia Tech is definitely not the school for you. Another school with emphasis on East Asian studies would be better suited for you."
I don't see your passion in the sciences, math, and engineering from this essay. Anyways, to the essay!
"Korea to learn much of its culture and history that it left behind for the world to admire at"
Uh...why Korea? China, Egypt, and Rome all have a very rich culture and history for the world to admire. Okay, you said "Also another reason I choose Korea to travel is to keep learning about my heritage that I know so little about", but the two ideas are separated. You should try combining the two sentences.
"Not only do I wish to try some delicious food that is exclusive to only Korea like Sanche, but to experience snow for the first time of my life in Korea."
What is the significance of experiencing snow for the first time in your life in Korea? What does this tell the admission officer about you?
"Life was hard for me when I was young, not understanding english and going to American school when at that time my tongue spoke only Korean. I was soon forced to quickly adopt and adapt to the white man culture in order to be accepted by my peers and to suceed in the society I live in, however I couldn't celebrate my "achievement" because of my guilt for not embracing the culture that my parents instilled in me. What I hope to gain, aside from knowledge, is to redeem myself from my selfish act and to embrace my national heritage. By visiting this beautiful nation, I hope to enlighten myself of my culture's history and learn its trademark that it left for the world to respect. I hope to improve my linguistic knowledge as I travel on the soil of Korea so I can better communicate and understand my people's heritage, and I hope to make myself a better person and become a worthy representative of Korea in the United States of America."
I feel this paragraph is a bit off topic.
I just believe this essay should be about pursuing your interest in the one year that you are out of school instead of having fun in Korea. After all, one year is a long time.
Also, I have noticed that you like to end sentences with a preposition, which is a no-no in English.
Good luck!
About the essay...
thnx now that you brought it up, about the preposition, I did end sentences with the preposition words. I'm however a little confused about your statement on the two ideas being different and should combine them...but combine what (are you talking about the two paragraphs). In response I was thinking about just making a one body essay and just instead use the second paragraph into the first (since 2nd paragraph states reason why and 1st paragraph being about what i would do there).
about your perception...
i can understand your argument of making this more about my major (which is engineerin) however i dont think that the admission office is looking for a essay that describes how the major influences my life majorily. I think that the admission just want to know more about me (says my parent, friends, cousins and my intution lol). If the admission was interested in my major then the topic would be more like UF (how would your admission benefit the uf community). but as for this college believe it just wants to know me.
but...
now that your statement is making me paranoid (since I REALLY WANT TO GET INTO THIS COLLEGE) the other topic is "describe event in social, politic, etc... that shape who you are today." this i can agree with your viewpoint and can write a essay how when i was little and when i dissected my robot toy realizing i want to be a engineer. Should i just go with that then?
sry for being so long winded
In the event that requires me to take a year off from school I choose to spend my time traveling South Korea. I choose to travel all around Korea to learn much of its culture and history that it left behind for the world to admire at .
Don't say "white man culture." Just say American culture.
...and I hope to make myself a better person and become a worthy representing Korea in the United States of America.
Okay, this is very cool! I think it's great that you want to explore Korea, but we have to make this essay interesting somehow. We have to make it interesting for the admissions officer... and impressive. You need to know what the meaningful truth of the essay is. Right now, it is only: "I am Korean, so I want to travel Korea and learn it's culture." I think you should say something that has more to it than that. Try writing about how your trip would relate to the tech education you are about to receive when the year is over.. and how it relates to the career you desire. This way, it will be unique and memorable.
A note on prepositions. It isn't so much that you can never end an English sentence with a preposition as that the prepositions you are using are either unnecessary or incorrect. Trying to avoid ending a sentence with a preposition at all costs can lead to unnatural and convoluted sentences. As Winston Churchill once said when an editor rewrote a sentence he had ended in a preposition: "This is the sort of bloody nonsense up with which I will not put."
Awesome!! I agree!! :)
i think i'd be nice if you talk more about ur hero. why is he ur hero...
I think writing about your home country is nice, and you can definitely spend one full year here to know more about your heritage and language.
And you should re-structure your essay, provide the reason for Korea first, and then what you will do. I think newsha31 is right, you should elaborate more about why you chose that ADmiral to be yr hero, or the adcom will just see a touring boy who go place to place just for sight-seeing.
Anyway, good luck with georgia tech :D
