"A Gift Given" - UC Freshman Applicant Personal Statement

Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

This is a really rough draft of my essay, and I realize it needs a lot of work. Any help, criticism, and/or advice you can give me on it would be amazing.

The ending is kid of rough as well, and definitely needs some help. Thank you in advance!
Also, I'll read any essay you need if you'd like as well, I'd love to help. :)

Santa Rosa is a wonderful city, a city where I have spent practically my whole life. It even ranked number five in the top ten happiest cities in the country according to a gallup poll, and that is something that I believe and see to be true for as long as I've lived here. I have been privileged to grow up in a home with a family who has supported me in everything that I have held passion for: music, education, and all the random sports that I have tried my hand at. They even supported me when I decided to switch high schools from the highly regarded academic school to the art school in our area, keeping in mind only what I wished for. It was a lengthy process, but well worth the work.

Art has always been incredibly evident in my life, specifically in the form of music. My mother tells me that I get my love of sound from my Grandfather, someone I unfortunately never had the opportunity to meet; I've heard all the stories of late nights around the fire with piano in the background, and of the jazzy sound of a trumpet, delightful with joy. Lessons began for me almost as soon as I could walk. I began with piano, as every child seems to do; in fifth grade I switched to a new school and our band director came in the first day with a surprise: he had brought some people to play for us. That day I came home, ten times more excited than the morning when I'd left, and the first thing I'd said to my parents was. "I want to play the oboe," with the biggest smile stretching across my face from ear to ear. They never told me that I couldn't, or that I wasn't allowed because it was too expensive a commitment for someone so young, they faced my request with brave encouragement. Their hope and their help was their greatest gift to me. My oboe teacher has begun to say, as a joke to new parents, "Fair warning, reeds shall be your downfall. You should encourage your child to take up farming now so that way on their own in this career they'll at least be able to feed themselves." I have learned what dedication means-for myself and for my parents-and I have amazing respect now for what it takes to love something so much that there is no choice but to pour your heart into it with everything you've got. I love music; were it up to me, my life would be full of music, but I have also learned to value an education. I have watched my parents work hard to support me and our family. I have watched my younger sister try to "catch up" to her older sister, working twice as hard as I ever did. I have watched my friends work impossibly hard on their school and on their work. All of the people that I love and admire are the same people that push me and keep eyes out for me; they inspire me every day to put my all into everything. This is my world, and everything in it has helped me realize that hard work, whether it be in something you love to do or in something you have to do, will always reward itself. To combine music and school is my dream, and I know that now and won't ever forget it.

The idea that you have about your world being about music is a good idea, but you have some unnecessary things in the essay. You really want to focus on ONE thing that describes your world and the whole introductory paragraph is indifferent to the idea that you want to get across. You talk about your city and your family, and of course they do make up your family, you don't want to give the impression that you are just thinking things in your world. I would make your essay more specific to the one idea that makes up your world: music.

1. Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Revision #1. :) Let me know what works and what doesn't. Any criticism and advice is amazingly appreciated! Thanks for the help!

Art has always been a central part of my life, especially in the form of music. My mother tells me that I get my love of sound from my Grandfather, someone I unfortunately never had the opportunity to meet; I've intently listened to stories of late nights around the fire with the sound of a piano, elegant in the background, or of the jazz sound of a trumpet, delightfully laughing with joy.

With my first toddler step came my first piano lesson. As I grew older, lessons after school became harder, so naturally the solution came to mean morning lessons, seven o'clock in the morning. Once I was introduced, I was hooked; I tried every instrument that I could get my hands on-clarinet, saxophone, flute and piccolo, guitar, bass, percussion-I only regret not getting a chance to blow into a brass instrument. Then came fifth grade, and a new school; our band director came in the first day with a surprise: he had brought some people to play for us. That day I came home ten times more excited than the morning when I'd left and the first thing I'd said to my parents was, "I want to play the oboe." I grinned the biggest smile waiting in anticipation for their response. They never told me that I couldn't, or that I wasn't allowed to because it was too expensive a commitment for someone so young; instead they faced my request with brave encouragement. Their hope and their help was their greatest gift to me. Love this last sentence!

My oboe teacher used to say, as a joke to new parents, "Fair warning, reeds shall be your downfall! You should encourage your child to take up farming now so that way on their own in this career they'll at least be able to feed themselves." After spending seven years with him, I've finally learned what he meant. (I don't really know how to connect these two thoughts...any suggestions?) I have learned what dedication means-for myself and for my parents, and I have amazing respect now for what it takes to love something so much that there is no choice other than pouring your heart into it with everything you have. I love music, my life is full of it, but I also love learning and the value of an education. I have watched my parents work hard to support our family and me; I have watched my sister try to "catch up" to her older sister, working twice as hard as I ever did; I have watched my friends work impossibly hard on their school and their work. All of the people that I love and admire are the same people that push me and keep their eyes out for me; they inspire me every day to use maximum energy with everything I do.

This is my world and everything in it has helped me realize that hard work, whether it is for something you love to do or for something you have to do, will always reward itself. To combine music and school is my dream, a dream that took me until now to realize and know that it's real, I won't ever forget it.