My girlfriend. This girl changed me as a person. Penn State Personal Statement

Hey guys, this is my first time posting on here. I just finished writing my rough draft for my Penn State's personal statement. Any comments or feedback are greatly appreciated. Srry if my writing isn't that great since i'm an foreigner lol

April 4th, 2016 was the day that will forever be printed on my memories. You might ask "why?". Well that day was the day that I met my high school sweet heart and my soul mate. Although it might sound stupid and cliché for me to say this at the age of 16, but the feeling I had was indescribable and incomprehensible for my pure and naďve mind.

She and I went to different schools. When I said "met", I meant through social media. I messaged her and it all took off from there. We couldn't stop talking to each other. She was like an addictive drug that makes me want more, but in a good way of course. After a talking to her for a while, we decided that it was time for us to meet each other properly in person. Using my old and rusty bike, I biked two miles to her school. I was amaze at how stunning she looked. She was this charming and beautiful girl that I couldn't seem to cease staring and admiring. It was rainy and windy that day so we just walked around her school and talk about our lives. Her alluring appearance wasn't a match for her personality as the more we talked that day. The day passed by so quickly. That was the start of something special. I biked to her school twice every week to see her even if I was quite busy. And when the time was right, I asked her and she told me "Yes". So many emotions rushed through me, and the rest was history

This girl changed me as a person. She pushed me to become the best Hai that I can be. She taught me to always keep my chin up every day, even in the worst situations. She taught me to be resilient, to run head on against my issues. Most important of all, she gave me my first experience of what love feels like. She saw me perfect through my imperfections. My parents advised me sometimes that how talking to her might be a distraction toward my education, but it's quite the opposite. She motivated me to become better, to always improve. This girl is incredibly gifted academically wise and I look up to her. Through my time being with her, not only my grades went up, my moral and emotional states improved significantly and my take on life changed.

My girlfriend taught me so many valuable values that one should possess. I know that with her presence, I have the strength to achieve anything. With her impacts and my newly positive take on life, I know that I will be able to success at Penn States studying computer engineering.

Hai, this is a unique personal statement. I am not sure if you are projecting the right image by focusing the personal statement on your love life. Is there any chance that you have an essay prompt instruction that you can share here so that I have a better idea of what the prompt is asking you to write about? It would really help me develop a more relevant series of advice for you.

Generally, personal statements are often used to introduce the applicant's early academic and extra curricular side to the reviewer. In this instance, the whole essay is about your love life and its effect on your development as a person. The problem, is that there is too much romance and too little development on your part. In other words, the essay should not be focused on your girlfriend, if that is an acceptable topic for the essay based upon the prompt.

Rather, the focus of the essay should be on you and the effect of this relationship upon you. The later part of your essay, towards the conclusion speaks of this aspect and should honestly be more developed to be a greater part of the essay. I think that I will hold off on offering more advice for the improvement of your essay until I am sure that discussing such a private and personal topic will be acceptable to the reviewer based upon the prompt requirement.

It will also be helpful if you work with the word limit (if you were directed to do so) because your essay looks wordy and somehow repetitive. As Holt has stated, your essay is so much focused on your girlfriend and your personal statement is supposed to give the admissions officer a sense of who you are.

@chizy7
The word limit for the personal statement was 500, mine is at 497 right now

@holt

Sorry, i forgot to include the prompt. Here is the prompt:

Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.

And thanks for your input. I'll try my best to fix this essay up! :)

Hai, thanks for the information. Having now read the prompt, I firmly believe that you should not be using your lovelife in reference to this essay prompt. Your ability to succeed should not be based upon your love life because your love life can change in an instant and affect you in so many ways, both positive and negative. In fact, some people fail in college because of it. So that is definitely not the right topic to use for this essay. Try to prove your ability to succeed at Penn state through the use of your other skills, talents, abilities, or experiences. Try to find some commonalities between you and the Penn State academic and social life that might be considered a method by which you will succeed at the university. A familiarity with an activity, the support of a group, or even an on-site campus visit / experience are part of the acceptable responses to this prompt.

Merged:Penn States Essay--- Important people in my life

hey guys, I just rewrote my essay for Penn States and would really appreciate any feedbacks or recommendations!! I'm having trouble writing my conclusion and how to make this essay more cohesive... my essay is currently at 485 words so I have some room to expand on some ideas.Thank you in advance!! :-)

Prompt:
Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.

Confused and frustrated, I sat next to my friends and ask them what I should write for my college personal statement. "You should write about your achievements" my friend Shayan says. Across the table, my best friend Ibraheem suggests "Tell them about how failure shapes you as a person". I thought to myself "those hackneyed ideas are so generic". Then it all hits me. The answer is right in front of my eyes. The people who care about me shape and influence the person that I am now.

My girlfriend. This girl changed me as a person. She pushed me to become the best Hai that I can be. She taught me to always keep my chin up every day, even in the worst situations. She taught me to be resilient, to run head on against my issues. My parents advised me about how talking to her might be a distraction toward my education, but it's quite the opposite. She motivated me to become better, to always improve. This girl is incredibly gifted academically and I look up to her. Through my time being with her, not only my grades went up, my moral and emotional states improved significantly and my take on life positively changed as well.

My grandfather. He was and still is my hero. I respect him dearly. My grandfather was so sagacious and an expertise at any problems. He always had a solution to every issue and challenge life threw at him. With the knowledge he has accumulated during eighty years of his time, he taught me life. From moral issues to soccer, I cherish all the valuable advice and lessons he gave me. Most importantly, he taught me to always love and remember where I'm from. He wanted me to represent our country in this land of opportunities, and I promised him that I won't let him down.

My father. Although we have our ups and downs, his love for me is unassailable. I wasn't the perfect son, but he still loves me unconditionally. His determination and hard work inspire me. My father will refuse to quit until they success. He is the hardest worker I've known. the dream of me succeeding in college and eventually making a living in America incentivizes him to work relentlessly. His sedulous mentality helped him achieve many impressive academic milestones. Attended and graduated from the prestigious Georgetown Law Center, my father proves to me that nothing is impossible. The achievements that he attained only urge me to be as successful as he is or even surpass him.

These people are the inspirations that will encourage me to achieve whatever I desire. They have given me so much strengths and taught me many precious and valuable traits. Calling myself a Penn State student would quench my thirst of attending to a world-class university and will surely satisfy my father, my grandfather and my girlfriend.

Hai, you have written the wrong response for the prompt. This essay is not about other people and their influence upon you. Rather, this essay is all about depicting something about your sense of self worth, self-motivation, self-inspiration, self- responsibility, or something that you have to do for yourself. Which of the aforementioned self-traits best depicts your ability to somehow succeed in the cut-throat world of academics at Penn State? These people that you wrote about will not be present on campus with you and therefore, are irrelevant to the discussion.

In the previous paragraph, I have mentioned the possible self traits that would best depict a response to the essay. Just pick one of the self traits and develop your essay around that choice. Make sure to highlight the event, incident, experience, or activity that will best represent the type of ability that can help you succeed individually, that means "on your own" while you vie for academic excellence at Penn State. I can't be any more clearer about what the essay wishes you to represent.

Don't think about personal reasons for your success. Think of your academic character. Are you studious? Patient? Observant? Analytical? A heavy reader? Perhaps you are good at organizing clubs and activities? Or you are just a sociable person who reaches out to fellow students who ask for help? Those are some social reasons that you would be able to succeed at Penn State.

Whichever you choose to write about, as long as it comes from the 2 lists I provided above, you should be able to come back and present a more relevant response to the prompt than the essay that you have now. Your current essay is not meant for use with this prompt. This essay is more for an "influential person" prompt. So you can save this essay for future use. You just cannot use it with this prompt at this moment.