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"Never Give Up On Yourself" - My Common Essay (i think it is awkward)


PrettyBoyu 4 / 19  
Dec 16, 2009   #1
Suspended for leaving useless feedback

Pls be brutal to leave comments...
I need to help,thanx
This essay is too long,i hope it can be shorter with you guys help
Thanx

Never Give Up On Yourself

Forewords: Standing on the busy streets of Singapore, I feel refreshingly at ease. Life here might be difficult, but I will never again lose myself in the criticisms of others.

In my early memory my father worked out of hometown and seldom returned Sichuan, where I lived together with my mother. Back then, I was an underachiever who would consistently get poor grades. Some students laughed at me and branded me a fool. Annoyed with their constant ribbing, I often got into fights. My teachers were so disappointed that they called my mother time and time again.

However, one life-changing incident remains fresh in my mind. One day, the teacher suggested my mother transfer me to a school for retarded children. Between sobs, my mother begged the teacher to give me one last chance. As advised, I took an IQ test. But the result concluded that my IQ is 138. It appeared that I had turned to a whiz kid overnight! From then on, I learnt to study hard and complete homework on time. Day after day, I transformed from a bad boy to a good one.

In the middle school entrance exam, as the only student to get a perfect score, I was an absolutely a good student in my teachers' eyes. It seems as if a fresh door was opened for me. With a good attitude, I listened to teachers carefully, never quarreled with others or missed a class. When others were struggling to enter top100 of the cohort, I stayed in first place with no trouble. I deeply cherished the constant attention from my teachers and peers. I thought everything was smooth sailing from then on until something unexpected happened.

It was at the 8th grade. One night, while returning from basketball court, I saw two students trying to rape a girl. I hesitated for several seconds when teachers' warnings about not causing trouble in school swam into my mind. However, I knew I had to do what was right even if I had to suffer it. Striding forward angrily, I knocked the two low-lives to the ground with punches. Although I saved the girl, I never imagined that it would become so serious, especially when one of the students was the son of the principal. Things were spiraling out of control and I had to transfer. Yet, I never regretted the choice I made that night.

My parents meticulously selected the new school for me. In its most famous class of science, I could hardly clinch No.1 spot like before. To make matters worse, atmosphere in this new school was not good. Drinking and fighting was actually commonplace. Most students knew the reason for my transfer and would judge me as a bad student before they even knew me. All those gloomy days brought back my bad memories of primary school--I was not accepted and I was not confident. When I was alone, I would lapse into deep thoughts: How could a person be judged based on exam results or a biased account of an incident without intimate knowledge of that person himself?

In 9th grade, facing the oncoming final exam, Nobody would pay much attention to me. For the first time, I felt life was not arduous. This peaceful environment enabled me to see things objectively. I also read many biographies of successful people like Bill Gates and Michael Jordan. All of them mentioned self-worth. Gradually I understood--regarding one person, different people would have different opinions. Nobody, not even God, could get all of man's approval. I did not have to live for praise or honors. It was essential for me to do what I thought was right. After a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, I found the unwavering approval I was looking for came from within.

After the rat race that was middle school, I entered Hwachong Institution of Singapore with a full scholarship as the cream of the crop. My parents were so proud. However, I had learned to find balance in life, which allowed me to realize that I choose the way I live my life. Life is not dictated by a score, or by being No.1 in the cohort, or even by being the winner of a scholarship.

I will stick to my morals and be a person who will never deny me from myself.
OP PrettyBoyu 4 / 19  
Dec 16, 2009   #2
anyone can help me
thanx
Fireater - / 4  
Dec 16, 2009   #3
in the fourth paragraph, you start with describing how you fell in love with basketball. But you digress later into another incident, which is the main focus of the paragraph. I think you should start the paragraph with some mention of the incident.
Herb_107 1 / 2  
Dec 16, 2009   #4
Hello!
I read your essay and I think it's good, I was just confused with the conclusion.

However, I had learnedhow to find balance in life, andwhich allowed me to realize that I choose the way I live my life . Life is not dictated by a score of 138/150, notor by being No. 1 in the cohort, noror even by being the leader of the basketball team or a student in a famous school .
OP PrettyBoyu 4 / 19  
Dec 16, 2009   #5
hello
thanx for your advice
do u think it is too long?i am afraid the admission officer will not have enough patient to read through the whole essay
asth3nia 1 / 9  
Dec 16, 2009   #6
don't use too much details.
pick one strong adjective

overall a great job :)))
OP PrettyBoyu 4 / 19  
Dec 16, 2009   #7
thanx
i am trying to delete some words to make the essay shorter
what do u mean by saying "pick one strong adjective" which adjective,i am confused..
thanx a lot for your advice
asth3nia 1 / 9  
Dec 16, 2009   #8
well ur sentences are wordy and ur always giving two adjectives with and/ or between. Make ur sentences more concise and choose one strong adjective so ur essay will be less redundant yet still hold its original meaning
OP PrettyBoyu 4 / 19  
Dec 16, 2009   #9
hi anyone can help me?
thanx
it is very urgent cos the deadline is 1st Jan
Fireater - / 4  
Dec 17, 2009   #10
is this the significant experience essay you wrote for the commonapp? if so, you mention more than one experience. I can see that the main point you're trying to make is in this sentence:

''After a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, I found that the unwavering approval I was looking for came from within.''

but you should try to focus on that point. your descriptions of the ups and downs quite overshadows the main point.

Also, ''I read a lot of books written by masters like Nietzsche, Dilthey, and Mencius. '' sounds incredible. you needn't add that to make your point about your inner transformation. instead try to analyze that transformation. try to describe what happened inside you.

I know how tough this significant experience essay is. I tried to write it for the commonapp. I too had a similar inner transformation. but the essay I wrote didn't make any sense; so I discarded it and began on another topic.
OP PrettyBoyu 4 / 19  
Dec 17, 2009   #11
thanx a lot buddy . i really appreciate your effort to help me
This is not the significant experience essay ,instead i just want to tell the admission officer some of my experiences
so is that fine cos i always try to focus on one point but find that these experiences made up my life that it is hard for me to eliminate any of them...anyway,i will try to revise it again

any more advice?

Sincerely
Boyu
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 18, 2009   #12
Excellent. You write very well.

However, one life-changing incident remains fresh in my mind. One day, my mother was called in and the teacher suggested that she transfer me to a school for retarded developmentally challenged child ren.

Hey, tell us how old you were when this happened. That way, the reader can see that at a young age you had a revelation.

You can also talk about the fact that you know your destiny would have been very different if that test had not reaffirmed your confidence and sparked your interest in school.

You really write very well. Please check out the EF Contributors page.
OP PrettyBoyu 4 / 19  
Dec 20, 2009   #13
thanx very much for your advice
i am ready to revise it adain
aikd80cn 4 / 18  
Dec 26, 2009   #14
I made transformation from a bad boy to a good one

I transformed from a bad boy into a good one , or u can say into 'a better one'

I would lapse into deep thought

'deep thoughts' is better

I didnt see anything else, this is a great essay! good job, and good luck,...
OP PrettyBoyu 4 / 19  
Dec 26, 2009   #15
aikd80cn
thanx very much
I have revised my essay again
Good Luck to u
rchase520 2 / 4  
Dec 30, 2009   #16
Very interesting and well written essay, however I have a few corrections.

Back then, I was an underachiever who consistently received poor grades.

"My teachers' disapointment was reflected in their frequent calls to my mother." (at the end of the first paragraph)

One day, the teacher suggested my mother transfer me to a school for mentally challenged children."

It appeared that I had turned to a genius overnight! From then on, I learned to study hard and complete homework on time.

As the only student to get a perfect score on the middle school entrance exam , I was immediately perceived as a good student in my teachers' eyes.

I hesitated for several seconds while my teachers' warnings about not causing trouble swarmed through my mind.

Instead of "However, I knew I had to do what was right even if I had to suffer it.", how about "I ultimately decided to intervene in their heinous act, no matter what the future consequences may have been."

My parents meticulously selected a new school for me.

In its most famous science class , I could hardly clinch the number one spot as I could previously.

Drinking and fighting was commonplace.

In 9th grade, facing the oncoming final exam, nobody paid me much attention.

I read many biographies of successful people like Bill Gates and Michael Jordan, all of which mentioned self-worth.

I found that the unwavering approval I was looking for came from within.

LIfe is about sticking to my morals and being a person who will never deny me the right to be myself.

Please take the time to read and correct my essay!
marpals 5 / 20  
Jan 11, 2010   #18
I think there needs to be more elaboration on how you changed.
Its a good one.


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