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My goal to surpass mediocrity and achieving academic excellence - help review Common App essay


abusayed 1 / 1  
Dec 11, 2015   #1
Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

I am the luckiest person right now to be able to write this statement in the comfort of my home here in New York City. I say this because I have the opportunity to live my life here in America and enjoy the benefits that most people in countries like Bangladesh do not. Primarily this includes education, which has been the most important aspect of my life, with my parents being the greatest motivating factors.

From my childhood I had been pushed to achieve the highest grades in my class and to become recognized for the best academic work. This yielded results that made my parents proud of me but their expectations were always high and this meant I had more work to complete and even more achievements to obtain. However, through the years I slowly became distracted by taking temporary comfort and pleasure for granted. I saw no point in continuing forward because I thought I had all I could possibly need to continue a lax lifestyle. This only worsened as my relationship with my parents became strained and things began to take a turn for the worse. Eventually hitting a mental and emotional rock-bottom all there was left to do was get back up and this caused me to change my outlook and behavior. I began to realize the sacrifices that have been made for me by my parents and that my life includes a lot of instances that I should be thankful for. I realized that I should be giving back, the same way my parents did for me and my brothers when they came to this country. This does not limit itself to just giving back to my parents, but the community and the world as well. The idea behind this is that I want to extend past what the expectations are for me and achieve not just my own success but help out other people as well. All this can only be done after I significantly improve upon myself first by continuing my academic career. I hope to expand my horizons and introduce myself to new ideas to become a well rounded person and much more beyond what was initially expected of me.

Overall, I am heavily influenced by the fact that my parents left the comfort of their homeland to start a better life for me. With this in mind I understand that my efforts are not just for myself, and that I cannot behave selfishly. As bottom all there was left to do was get back up and this caused me to change my outlook and behavior. I began to realize the sacrifices that have been made for me by my parents and that my life includes a lot of instances that I should be thankful for. I realized that I should be giving back, the same way my parents bottom all there was left to do was get back up and this caused me to change my outlook and behavior. I began to realize the sacrifices that have been made for me by my parents and that my life includes a lot of instances that I should be thankful for. I realized that I should be giving back, the same way my parents did for me and my brothers when they came to this country. This does not limit itself to just to the way to go the to progress in my academic life, I motivate myself to achieve more than simply the bare minimum to make all the sacrifices worth it in the end.

Friction 1 / 2  
Dec 12, 2015   #2
Abusayed, your essay is outstanding but you need to make some modifications. Let me try to help.

rock-bottom all there was left to do was get back up
should be >> rock-bottom, all there was left to do was get back up

As bottom all there
>>As bottom all there

Abusayed, I recommend you check this statement once more. Hope this helps
OP abusayed 1 / 1  
Dec 12, 2015   #3
***EDIT I HAD TO UPDATE IT BECAUSE I INCLUDED A REPEATED PARAGRAPH IN THE INITAL POST SO MY EDITED VERSION IS ABOVE THIS ONE***
HoangVNguyen 1 / 2 1  
Dec 13, 2015   #4
In a constructive manner, I think this motif of essay is quite common among the common app. essays, where the writer took for granted the comfortability in his or her life then eventually realized and changed for the better. In my opinion, you should spend more words on describing the struggle of your relationship with your parents. There should be a specific turning point on your story, a pivotal moment when you began to realized the importance of your parents' sacrifices. Try to personalize your experience so that the admissions office can comprehend your personality better.

For example you stated that "...this caused me to change my outlook and behavior". How about some further specific examples on how this experience influenced your daily habits, the way you treat others and how the relationship with your parents has improved since then.

Those are some helps I could offer to orient your essay for the better. Leaving it as what it is now, I'm afraid yours will not stand out among hundred of others' applications. It is highly advisable you try again, update it and I will help review within my modest ability :)


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