I think I realized I was God when I stopped believing in him. For a majority of my life I have been guilty of giving into the peer pressure pushed on me by my family, friends, and the strangers molding my innocent mind. They fed me their own beliefs and opinions instead of the real facts I needed in order to form my own. They told me to question everything, and my curious self did, but they stopped me when I challenged the existence of God--the one concept that had so many unknowns attached to it.
As a child God was my hero. Jesus? Even more. He was me physically, but a better me because he judged no one, helped everyone, and stood up to evil. I fought so hard to be that great of a human and was, and still am, so hard on myself when I screw up. So whenever I had the chance to be good I grabbed at the opportunity because it made me feel holy, like for one second I could even be compared to the creator of everything. Furthermore, the promise of spending my afterlife in paradise assuaged all my fears of death. The consequence of Hell, however, made my fear of not believing stronger.
I do not have a specific moment where all of this changed; instead it is a mosaic of blurry moments with clear value. There are the major moments, such as when my aunt died of cancer and my cousin of drug overdose. One physically fought, one mentally fought, but both fought demons in themselves. No amount of prayer could help them get better. Perhaps the things that could have helped them were better medicine that humans themselves created or more therapy, but even then God had no dealings with that. And then there are little moments such as lessons in school on evolution, or truth presenting itself to me. It is even in that one moment when I was volunteering at a soup kitchen and saw all the unfortunate people thanking God for giving them this food. It made no sense to me. Did the people I worked with not make this food and give it to them? Should they not be thanking us the most? All of these things and more confused me and enlightened me to my current philosophy.
I am God. Here, now, living on this Earth I know for a fact I am my own God. As for afterlife and the technicalities of the start of everything, that is still pending. All I really know is that I created my own world, creed, and reason for good. My good is knowing that I am trying to do the right thing, and I show it by promising to help my world through forgiveness, compassion, knowledge, and creation. Although my reward is not necessarily heaven, it is even better. My prize is this beautiful life full of sunrises, love, and happiness in all shapes and forms.
As a child God was my hero. Jesus? Even more. He was me physically, but a better me because he judged no one, helped everyone, and stood up to evil. I fought so hard to be that great of a human and was, and still am, so hard on myself when I screw up. So whenever I had the chance to be good I grabbed at the opportunity because it made me feel holy, like for one second I could even be compared to the creator of everything. Furthermore, the promise of spending my afterlife in paradise assuaged all my fears of death. The consequence of Hell, however, made my fear of not believing stronger.
I do not have a specific moment where all of this changed; instead it is a mosaic of blurry moments with clear value. There are the major moments, such as when my aunt died of cancer and my cousin of drug overdose. One physically fought, one mentally fought, but both fought demons in themselves. No amount of prayer could help them get better. Perhaps the things that could have helped them were better medicine that humans themselves created or more therapy, but even then God had no dealings with that. And then there are little moments such as lessons in school on evolution, or truth presenting itself to me. It is even in that one moment when I was volunteering at a soup kitchen and saw all the unfortunate people thanking God for giving them this food. It made no sense to me. Did the people I worked with not make this food and give it to them? Should they not be thanking us the most? All of these things and more confused me and enlightened me to my current philosophy.
I am God. Here, now, living on this Earth I know for a fact I am my own God. As for afterlife and the technicalities of the start of everything, that is still pending. All I really know is that I created my own world, creed, and reason for good. My good is knowing that I am trying to do the right thing, and I show it by promising to help my world through forgiveness, compassion, knowledge, and creation. Although my reward is not necessarily heaven, it is even better. My prize is this beautiful life full of sunrises, love, and happiness in all shapes and forms.
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