Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
I was joking about my title, by the way. Couldn't think of one. I need help revising. It's not really done because I got stuck on what else to write. Lol. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. And I think my grammar's horrible. Help please? x=
Elbows tucked awkwardly deep inside the sides my ribcage, I walked down the mall with my friend Eric. My eyes were casted down at the glossy marble floor. Dragging my feet along, I felt weak and tired. I tried to look up a few times, but when I saw people looking at me ï at the way I walked, the way I unconsciously had my elbows poking at my insides, the way I self-consciously tried hard not to give anybody eye contact ï my face immediately went under the influence of Medusa. I became stone-faced. It became difficult for me to control any of the fifty muscles in my face. As I felt the nervous tension build up inside me, I asked myself, why is Eric making me do this? It didn't make any sense to me at the moment. I had thought he was my friend, my only support for quite a while now, and yet he put me in a situation as uncomfortable and nerve-wracking as this. But then he explained to me: "David, relax. Just calm down. It's gonna feel unnatural at first, but listen. It's gonna be okay. You're gonna get better at this." Then I realized what he was trying to get me to do.
Speaking without speaking is the idea of talking without opening your mouth, the idea of communicating without words. There wasn't a time during the walk through the mall did I ever yell out to the public that I was an extremely insecure and diffident person. But it showed through my body language. Interestingly enough, everyone is speaking the same body language, whether they are conscious of it or not. We all receive cues from people who pass us when we're walking down the street. Someone with crossed arms over their chest is showing a sign of defensiveness. Having upward facing palms aimed toward another person when interacting with him indicates one's ability to open up and develop trust with the other person, in contrast with downward facing palms aimed away.
Going back to my experience at the mall with Eric, I could have whispered to everyone around me that I was an extremely confident person. But what would my body language show? It would show my lack of confidence, and the fact that I had lied about my confidence. Eric made me realize that "words lie, but the human body almost always tells the truth." If I can somehow force my mind to think more confidently about myself, my body will follow and act as if I really did have the self-esteem. The vice versa is also true. If I can somehow force my body to move with more confidence, my mind will follow and think with more value towards myself.
Eric knew what he was talking about when he said those words, "Remember, good body language." He walked through the mall with a hint of confidence, but not too much to the extent where he would be showing too much arrogance.
This essay is very compelling and I like the ideas you have shown, but there are a few things that I would like to point out-
This essay is more like a "significant experience" than an "ethical/moral dilemma or risk" as it reads right now. If you want it to address the prompt you gave, you should explain more about why it is a risk or ethical/moral dilemma. To me, it feels as though the connection to the prompt is a bit too underdeveloped.
I tried to look up a few times, but when I saw people looking at me - at the way I walked, the way I unconsciously had my elbows poking at my insides, the way I self-consciously tried hard not to give anybody eye contact - my face immediately went under the influence of Medusa. I became stone-faced. It became difficult for me to control any of the fifty muscles in my face.
The above section repeats "face" several times which makes the syntax awkward. I'd say you ought to change it a bit so that it illustrates your point without becoming overly repetition. Additionally, "went under the influence of Medusa" does not add to the text, in my opinion, ESPECIALLY if you have to explain it in the next sentence.
Finally, the last sentence of this essay makes it seem as though the essay is about Eric's influence on you which hearkens back to my first comment on the prompt this essay is addressing
Good job and if you have the time please check out my essays as well!
First of all, I can see what you were trying to express but when i look back to the topic, it seems to be a little confusing when your main focus was on your friend Eric. It would make more sense if you talk more about yourself to make this experience sounds significant to you. But i do like the main idea!
