Hi, I wonder if I can get some feed back on this essay on grammatical issue and structure. Thank You for your time and consideration.
"The Admission Comimitee would like to know more about you in your own words. Please submit a brief essay, either personal or creative, which you feel best describes you."
"Very good job you bloody goat!"
I feel the perspiration gather on my brow, my throat tightening causing it difficult to breath, hands shaking they slip from my grasp to his. My teacher flips page to page examining each worn and complex working drawings from my DE421 Architectural Drafting project with a trained eye and no mercy.
Nine weeks prior I was assigned a challenging task: design a residential home and the nine accompanying working drawings. My reputation for constantly forming an elegant and intricate home would make this assignment formidable. I went straight to work on a pictorial of my modern Japanese home. Soon the pencil and compass became extensions of my fingers, aiding the creation of the concept that was still a figment of my imagination. I abandoned my architectural scale to view my sketch: a wrap around walkway surrounded the house with panel windows that rested on sliding doors, an elegant but simple roof sat on walls with wood facades all my skills acquired from the 4 years in this class were being tested. Can't wait to see the completed work.
I soon realized 90 minutes of class wasn't adequate. I rushed to the bulky drafting table, 30 minutes during lunch and an hour after school, then having to drive to my job ,a receptionist at a rectory 15 miles. Mr. Okeyo doubtfully expressed, "Are you sure you will be able to finish on time"? Don't worry. I knew I could accomplish the ambitious project because each moment I sat on the stool and reached for the mechanical arm, I became entranced by the lead on the 24x18inch velum. I constructed walls and driveway aprons, designing rooms where children can sleep, living rooms where families can gather, gardens, and spacious yards where dogs can be dogs, only to discover a mistake, having to tear down the defect with a stroke of the white vinyl eraser.
As soon as I finished a working drawing like the site and roof plan I handed it to my instructor for advice. "The wet wall is too small, fix your foundation, and redo your electrical and utility plan." With triangle and erasing shield in hand I returned to the drafting table with a heavy heart, but as soon as the sharpen pencil made contact with paper, I discovered new inspiration and continued.
The deadline drew close, to each detail as simple as the north arrow or as complex as the house elevation I devoted my complete attention. Two weeks left and still two elevations to fabricate and many construction lines to polish. Hard earned cash I had been saving for an IPOD Touch was sacrificed for a drafting board. Weekend movies were replaced with the garage framing plan. The due date arrives. I present my house portfolio. When he reaches the end I notice an unfamiliar expression on my instructor's face. Mr. Okeyo, with a visage of disbelief, is pleased with my creation. His rare praise is worth more than the A. "Very good job, you bloody goat!"(500 words)
"The Admission Comimitee would like to know more about you in your own words. Please submit a brief essay, either personal or creative, which you feel best describes you."
"Very good job you bloody goat!"
I feel the perspiration gather on my brow, my throat tightening causing it difficult to breath, hands shaking they slip from my grasp to his. My teacher flips page to page examining each worn and complex working drawings from my DE421 Architectural Drafting project with a trained eye and no mercy.
Nine weeks prior I was assigned a challenging task: design a residential home and the nine accompanying working drawings. My reputation for constantly forming an elegant and intricate home would make this assignment formidable. I went straight to work on a pictorial of my modern Japanese home. Soon the pencil and compass became extensions of my fingers, aiding the creation of the concept that was still a figment of my imagination. I abandoned my architectural scale to view my sketch: a wrap around walkway surrounded the house with panel windows that rested on sliding doors, an elegant but simple roof sat on walls with wood facades all my skills acquired from the 4 years in this class were being tested. Can't wait to see the completed work.
I soon realized 90 minutes of class wasn't adequate. I rushed to the bulky drafting table, 30 minutes during lunch and an hour after school, then having to drive to my job ,a receptionist at a rectory 15 miles. Mr. Okeyo doubtfully expressed, "Are you sure you will be able to finish on time"? Don't worry. I knew I could accomplish the ambitious project because each moment I sat on the stool and reached for the mechanical arm, I became entranced by the lead on the 24x18inch velum. I constructed walls and driveway aprons, designing rooms where children can sleep, living rooms where families can gather, gardens, and spacious yards where dogs can be dogs, only to discover a mistake, having to tear down the defect with a stroke of the white vinyl eraser.
As soon as I finished a working drawing like the site and roof plan I handed it to my instructor for advice. "The wet wall is too small, fix your foundation, and redo your electrical and utility plan." With triangle and erasing shield in hand I returned to the drafting table with a heavy heart, but as soon as the sharpen pencil made contact with paper, I discovered new inspiration and continued.
The deadline drew close, to each detail as simple as the north arrow or as complex as the house elevation I devoted my complete attention. Two weeks left and still two elevations to fabricate and many construction lines to polish. Hard earned cash I had been saving for an IPOD Touch was sacrificed for a drafting board. Weekend movies were replaced with the garage framing plan. The due date arrives. I present my house portfolio. When he reaches the end I notice an unfamiliar expression on my instructor's face. Mr. Okeyo, with a visage of disbelief, is pleased with my creation. His rare praise is worth more than the A. "Very good job, you bloody goat!"(500 words)