Hi.. I've already sent out this version of the essay to a couple of colleges before January 1st, 2014. But I still have a few deadlines left and it would be great help if this essay could be refined a bit more.
Prompt question: Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn? [650 words]
Run. Jump. Fall!
'Grade 8, obstacle race, lineup!' our PE teacher, Mrs. Gomes declared. The race accommodated three obstacles in total: a barrier to jump over, a rug to crawl under and a hula hoop to go through. My heart pounded faster as I advanced towards the starting line and took my starting position. With the shrill of a whistle began my race of shame. I ran as fast as I could, surpassing six racers within a few seconds. As I approached the barrier, my mind started thinking 'Jump now... jump now...'. I leapt, stumbled and plummeted face down on the track.
As I tasted the mud and gravel on my tongue, I felt a slight pang on my knee. Muffled guffaws in the background added to my chagrin. As the race continued, I staggered towards a nearby bench with a bleeding knee. I may have skinned my knee, but the blow to my pride was much worse. My mind became a battleground of my own thoughts and equations. I had watched this race take place from the stands over a dozen times before and it had always seemed so easy. Unable to figure where I had gone wrong, I returned home, defeated and humiliated.
That day, my mind was distraught and my soul tormented by awkward flashbacks. One might presume that I was quite an athlete since I had decided to participate in the race. But honestly, I was one of those folks who enjoyed cheering for others or volunteered to hold the finish line tape. Naturally, I blamed myself for even taking part in the race. Perhaps blinded by my own childish hubris then, I had failed to recognize my debility in athletics. My mother must have noticed a change in my behavior for she asked me if anything was wrong. I explained everything to her, and she listened patiently. After I finished, she began to speak.
''Failure happens to everyone. However, nobody is going to judge you on the fact that you failed, but rather on how you overcame that failure.''
After thinking about her simple remark for hours, gradually, it became clearer for me to see the bigger and better picture of life. I discovered that by transforming this failure into a lesson, I could emerge as a winner in life, if not in the race.
Next morning, I woke up with a refreshed mind and healed soul. I went to school with a nervous but much less embarrassed demeanor. Some of my classmates laughed at me, but I walked past them with my head held high. On the contrary, some of them asked me about my injury and they smiled amicably as I assured them I was fine. My self-confidence found its roots once again. By break time, I was socializing with all my friends normally. I was making jokes about my own great fall without feeling uncomfortable.
I had never had a significant failure in my life before, but this incident left its marks on me. Since then, I realized that whatever the consequence may be, sometimes it is necessary to take a leap of faith in the face of a challenge. It is also necessary to fall, to know where we actually stand. In fact, falling is a crucial part of learning. If we never fall, we will, indeed, never learn to stand back up.
Life does not give you success wrapped up ornately like Christmas presents. The course of life is rough and filled with hurdles, just like the course of an obstacle race. To reach the pinnacle of success, every individual must take risks in life. Like the author of the famous Harry Potter series, J.K. Rowling says - "It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default."
Your essay is full of modesty and hope, but it shows your strength at the same time - I am sure it will make a good impression on admission committee. My only advice is that the first two paragraphs use maybe too complicated language - they will read it very fast, so make it easy for them. Also there is too much 'life' and 'fall' in the last two paragraphs, try to replace them with some synonyms.
Good luck with your application! :)
