'graduating high school being pregnant' - The world I come from

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations

Any thoughts are greatly appreciated ! I don't know how to cite a statistic, that would be helpful.

Imagine graduating high school pregnant, where you're not able to participate in high school activities or have fun with your friends. Senior year is always portrayed to be a fun and easy year full of adventure. All that fun and adventure is taken away when you have the responsibility to raise a baby.

No, I am not pregnant, but my mom was. My family consists of five people, my mom, dad, brother, sister, and myself. I am the oldest and I serve as a positive role model to my brother, sister and community. Although my mom being a teenage mom, she has had the greatest impact on my life. I often feel as if I'm the reason my mom didn't get to achieve her dreams, goals or go to college, but her selfless action to give up her education has inspired me to get into the best college I can. My mom has always held the highest standards to make sure I always accomplish and achieve my goals. She wants to make sure I'm successful and that I don't fall into her footsteps. She has helped shape me into the person I am today by introducing to the art of volunteering. Many teens my age often lose out on the greatest opportunities, but I didn't. Volunteering in my community is something I feel very passionate about. Becoming a youth advocate at Day One has not olny helped me gain ideas on a career path, but taught me valuable skills that will help me in the future. Without my mom's encouragement and support I wouldn't have the confidence to be a leader in my community. My mom has also introduced me to Ideal Youth Inc. where I was able to gain a summer internship working with homeless or at risk women in my community. My volunteer and youth advocacy experience has made me want to help others. Helping others is what I want to do for the rest of my life, whether it's medically, physically or emotionally. I wouldn't have been able to discover what I felt passionate about if my mom hadn't introduced me to my community's organizations.

I know all my accomplishments have made my mom proud of me. With every award and recognition I gain the smile on her face becomes bigger and bigger each time. Without my mom I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't have the confidence or support of wonderful woman. Raising a child to the fullest potential, at no matter what age takes a lot of guts. Not everyone can do it and not everyone has a chance. I am a proud daughter of a teenage mom that can prove statistics wrong that state, "children of teen moms do worse in school that those born to older parents and are less likely to finish high school."(stayteen.org) Whoever said a teenager can't raise a child successfully I am and will prove you wrong.

I wouldn't start an essay with "imagine if..." because if the reader cannot relate to the situation you present, then he/she loses interest in the essay.

Be more concrete about how you are being a positive role model to your community rather than just saying you are a positive role model to your community.

Although my mom beingis a teenage mom, she has had the greatest impact on my life.
Whoever said a teenager can't raise a child successfully I am and will prove you wrong. This sentence is kind of awkward because you are saying I am prove you wrong, and I will prove you wrong. I don't know what you are trying to say by I am prove you wrong.

Good luck :) I would appreciate if you could look at mine.

I like how you transitioned from how your mom's life has influenced you to be a volunteer. Try to show more about you volunteering, and less about saying "my mom." If you talk about your mom too much, it will sound like an essay about a person who influenced you.

You should also say something about how your mom may have done the same thing as you, with volunteering in the community and trying to make the best of everything, so it shows the world you come from which is the one with your mom.

good luck!

This is good, but to make it draw the reader in more, you could say it like this: "Imagine graduating high school and not being able to participate in high school activities or have fun with your friends. Senior year is always portrayed to be a fun and easy year full of adventure. All that fun and adventure is taken away when you have the responsibility to raise a baby." You want to make sure the reader wants to keep reading your essay.

The only other thing I would say is that in the middle paragraph, some of your sentences are a bit choppy and it disrupts the flow of the story. Maybe try to combine some sentences. You could try to relate the two organisations you volunteer for, by saying something like "My mother helped me become an advocate for youth health through organisations like Day One and Ideal Youth," and then going into what you've learned from being at each organisation. Other than that, this essay is great! You do a great job of keeping the reader engaged and showing us how you and your mom are both so proud of each other. Good luck!