Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences.
challenging myself
March 1st is the day of Japanese high schools' graduation ceremony. It is usually planned and operated by high school teachers. However, in our school, it is entirely conducted by the graduation ceremony committee, organized by students. Last year, I participated in this committee and was charged in explaining the ceremony schedules and directing students to their seats.
Guiding about 600 students to their seats in a short time was the hardest task, but I tried to make an efficient model of moving with my friends. We referred to the last year's procedure and did our own experiments again and again. We estimated the time of walking, lining, and sitting.(Is this saying awkward?)Then, based on these experiments, we made a plan which used time lag to make the movement flows; first, we let the first-year students move to their seat and while they are sitting, we let the juniors move. When I finished my work, I felt confidence and even looked forward to the graduation ceremony.
Finally, the day came. However, my plan did not work perfectly; due to the delay of instructions of announcement, I wasted few minutes to finish the moving. I regretted that I did not consider how to announce.
From these experiences, I learned two things. First, "perfect plan" has to consider all possibilities. Second, if I have eager to accomplish a goal, I can make it even if the goal looks difficult to achieve. I believe my experiences made me always challenge myself and enjoy it.
Thank you for reading! I really appriciate your help:)First, let's correct some of your grammar issues:
... was charged in ... => with
... I felt confidence ... => confident
... instructions of announcement, ... => the annoucement
And yeah. We estimated the time of walking, ... This sentence is awkward, you can change it to: We estimated the time for people to establish their position.
Finally, your essay, though true to the topic, still lack impact. You can write more detail about the incident at the graduation ceremony, how severe it was, and how could you overcome it.
By the way, I believe my experiences made me always challenge myself and enjoy it, I think this path is a little confusing.
Good luck with your essay.
Hello! It's nice to see how much work you've put into the graduation ceremony! It shows the work ethic you have. It's also good that you have the summarizing conclusion saying what you've learned from it. It's already well written, especially with your new edits. To make it even better, I think you should talk about what kinds of things you would like to pursue in college also...
ie: After working on the graduation ceremony, I discovered my passion for organizing and interior decorating (random example), and hope to pursue this in college through the interior decorating club.
A very random example, but it shows your passions and goals for college. Hope this helps :-)
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Tianhui, this is not a very impressive essay presentation. It is not an activity that you regularly did which would depict a continuous growth in your personality and character traits. This sort of activity is the kind that the reviewers do not pay attention to because of the shallowness of the participation and the unimpressive development that you had during your participation in this activity. What you have to present is an extra curricular activity that shows a continued participation and a worth ethic development throughout the process. I know you tried to make this essay sound impressive and important but it actually isn't. The misconception is that if you make it sound important, then it is important. If there is no real growth to be displayed stemming from the extra curricular activity or job that you did, then it is not really an effective after school activity or work experience.
