the fragrance of garlic and ginger
Every day, at 7 PM, the smell of garlic and ginger penetrates through the door and into my room, making my stomach rumble without stop. As the sound of the rice cooker rings, signaling the rice is ready my grandpa shouts "William, dinner is ready!". I open the door and the scent engulfs my whole body, the aroma tickles my nose as I stand in front of the hall to guess what's for dinner. I sprint my way through the hall approaching the kitchen and see my grandpa in his usual square pattern black and red apron, cooking with the sizzling hot pan and my mom near him like a chef and his apprentice. Just like every day, white rice with an assortment of side dishes was the norm and the thought of this ever disappearing was unthinkable but time is the unfathomable enemy of all, slowly my grandpa became afflicted by type 2 diabetes.
The taste of steamed fish, red braised meat, and stir-fry cabbage became blander every passing day, as diabetes affected my grandpa, his overall energy decreased and the once enthusiastic chef now felt cooking was just an obligation.
After a year of diagnosis, my grandpa decided to return to China to treat his diabetes. I could feel the sorrow my grandpa felt, the feeling of frustration, the feeling of never being able to entrance us with his cooking. That day I was determined to learn to cook.
I set a goal, to replicate and go beyond the taste of homemade cuisine. I made cooking my passion with every passing day, I honed my skills through trial and error, sometimes too sour, other times too sweet, or too salty. I learned to be patient, a skill needed in life, I learned about the nutrient in every food, a mastery to be healthy. But most importantly I learned to connect with my origins. People always say I'm more Italian than Italians and I don't deny it but the moment I step into my kitchen, I feel Chinese. I get to experience the best of the best from both worlds but without cooking, I would be incomplete. Cooking has helped me find the reason why I should be proud to be Chinese.
I still remember the day my grandpa came to Italy, the moment he stepped into the house, I was there, right in front of him, waiting with a bowl of rice in my hand. I could smell the same fragrance of garlic and ginger from the old days at the steps of the door. That day I achieved one of my goals.
435 words, please I need feedback.
You really, really need to expand the second and third essay. What did your grandpa felt? Did he go to the hospital? Did he say anything to you?
For the forth paragraph, name something that you made and the challenges you encountered.
The second paragraph, the transition is weird. Expand between every passing day and as diabetes affected. Even expand it more so you can make as diabetes affected my ... just an obligation. a complete sentence and a conclusion sentence
So there's no interactions with the people you mentioned in your essay; you only wrote about going to dinner when you're being called. Write something about if you watched your grandpa cook or cooked with him.
Overall, I think the word count is very short. (And the topic/style of this essay--I've read it somewhere on the internet...something about grandma's kimchi) The essays are really similar so please fix it. And it didn't tell the officers who you are, there's only one paragraph (4) talking about you taking on the goal. It didn't say anything about what led you to take the goal and your personality. The majority of the essay is focused on your grandpa instead of you.
Other than that, Polish it, show more/not tell, add more emotional and personal details and you'll be fine.
Good luck, you still have time, I'd suggest drawing down some notes and writing whatever comes to your mind so you can use them as segments to group them together.
Thank you @fionashoelace, I wrote this very quickly as I realized I wanted to apply to the US even though I already applied to the UK. Also, this is prompt 1 of the common app essay.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15461 The part about your grandfather dominates the essay. The essay you wrote is 75% about him and only 25% about you. That ratio has to change. You have to be the 80 % of this essay, with your grandfather filling only 10% of the reference. This is not an essay about your grandfather. The reviewer wants to get to know more about you, through your grandfather's cooking. That means, the last 3 paragraphs of your current essay should be reformatted to become the first 3 paragraphs of the revised version. From that revised presentation, your grandfather's influence can be integrated into the development of your character. The essay should be about your motivation to learn how to cook Chinese dishes, why you felt a need to learn how to cook (your grandfather's return to China), and why you are thankful for your grandfather's influence that helped you prepare for life as an adult. That would be the basis of your background, identity, interest, and talent.
Now. having said that. I believe that I would be remiss if I do not suggest that you change the prompt for your essay, based upon what you have written. I get a sense that once this essay is revised, it would be a better fit for the following prompt instead:
Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.
I am making this suggestion based upon the references you made to a goal and the realizations and lessons that you had about yourself. How you came to understand more about life, thus giving you a new understanding of yourself and others, all because you learned how to cook. It just feels more appropriate, in my opinion, for the slant of your essay discussion.
