"My grandparents" - UCF Undergrad essay

Essay (Personal Statement)
The personal statement is a very important part of your application. It assists the university in knowing you as an individual, independent of test scores and other objective data. We ask that you respond to two of the topics below. Your personal statement should be no longer than 500 words or a total of 7000 characters for both statements (refer to character remaining counter below the essay). The best personal statements are not necessarily the longest ones.

How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?
Why did you choose to apply to UCF?

Here it is: Thanks so much for any help you can offer! critiques/grammatical help welcome

My grandparent's house was a haven to my curious mind while growing up in Florida. Running about barefoot in my green Tinkerbelle swimsuit, complete with a tulle tutu, alongside my partner in crime, my sister, Emily, who currently attends and loves UCF, I was bound to get injured once in a while-the evidence lying in the multiple cuts and bruises covering my legs. The most impacting injury was my tripping on a brick on the patio resulting in a bloody mess of a stubbed toe. Quickly my Gran-Gran wrapped me up into her arms and rushed into her massive kitchen. Gently she seized my squirming foot and softly told me that I needed to calm down. I stopped my exasperated sobbing; taking a few deep breathes, and allowed her to put my bleeding toe under the warm streaming faucet water. She cleaned up the wound quickly and painlessly and at that moment I realized just what a special person my grandmother was, as I finally grasped that she made a career out of this-making suffering people feel better.

My grandma has always been a gentle and giving person, her accomplishments ranging from her years spent as a nurse to her receipt of the Founder's award from the National Hospice Foundation for her founding of Vitas-one of the first hospice organizations. The accomplishments of my grandmother, while daunting, inspire me to philanthropically achieve more. I strive to help those less fortunate than myself through volunteer work. Volunteering in programs within my community such as Lift Me Up, a local program that offers therapeutic horse back riding to children with special needs, I have been able to make my own personal contribution to my community, one that I feel proud of and that makes me feel accomplished in my own way as I am making a significant difference in the lives of those less fortunate than myself through a few hours out of my day weekly.

I wish to attend UCF because I know that while there I could continue working within my community in Volunteer UCF, and in order to gain the educational tools that would allow me to attempt to become half the person that my grandmother is-being able to work for the betterment of my community by helping the people within.

this essay answers more of the prompt of "describe the most influential person in your life". this essay doesnt say anything about your culture, family history or environment. you have a great writing style though :)

I really like the details in the vivid first paragraph, which will be even more powerful if you tighten up the sentences, removing excess words and phrases.

The last paragraph is comparatively vague and, consequently, dull. What, specifically, do you see yourself doing that might begin to live up to your grandmother's legacy?

what if I replace the last paragraph with

This is why I choose to apply to UCF. Although at this juncture in my life, I am not entirely certain on what I want to do to fulfill the principles my family has instilled in me, I believe that at UCF I will have so many opportunities, whether they be in the field of medicine or business or anything, that I will discover the right career path for myself. I want to go to UCF because I know I will be given every chance to become the best person I can, and hopefully while attending I can make a small difference through work in Volunteer UCF. But on a more serious note, I think it's about time I trade in the Tinkerbelle suit for some black and gold.

Better, but could still use some polishing. You may not know exactly what you want to do, but you could pick the activities that seem most interesting to you now and write about them. Remember, this essay isn't a binding contract, so you can change your mind later.

Whoa -- that's an overly long sentence. It's good to say that you want to use your college years to find out what you want to do. Just say it more simply. You might also, as Sean suggests, give an idea of what you'd jump into right away. Look at the active campus groups. If you were on campus right now, which would you join?