"Great city and community" - Biology Temple University transfer essay

I want to transfer to Temple University, and this is what I came up with. Please help on what I need to brush up on.

Topic: Please tell us more about yourself. Relate one or more experiences or circumstances that have contributed to your personal and/or academic development. If you have been out of school for a year or longer, please discuss your activities during that period of time.

I had no goals, motivation, or perseverance when I graduated from Marple Newtown High School. Usually many students have these characteristics when graduating, but I was different. The thought of my future did not strike me. I was forced to attend classes in Delaware County Community College. Still with no direction, I lazily attended classes.

During my first semester at Delaware County Community College, I found many friends that were in the same circumstances as me. This made me realize how fortunate I was. Many people had to go here to make a living, while I lazily spent my time thinking about unimportant activities. This was a huge revelation for me. I began to get a grip on my future by actually trying in class and talking with my advisers on where I should go from here on out.

Originally I had planned to transfer to Temple University in the Spring of 2012, but I wanted to get out and transfer as soon as possible. My friends and family urged me to find something I would like to do for the rest of my life. Even though I was pushed relentlessly to find that one major I would pursue, I was completely grateful to them for worrying about my future. I recently found out on what I wanted to do in my life, I wanted to major in biology.

I feel that Temple University has everything I need. The school is in the city, where everything is lively. The school also provides a community not seen in most schools. This is where I could be most comfortable pursuing, and working hard to achieve my dream. My time in Delaware County Community College was not wasted, it made me realize how I want to go to Temple University, and reach after my dream.

It's a very interesting topic to begin with and I like what you chose to write about, it shows your character development. I fully understand what your trying to say , but i just dont think you expressed it in all the right ways.

This is a personal essay so feel free to go against any of my suggestions =]
But things that I would have done differentley are:

Introduction- I like the start (first sentence) good hook ! I'd change the sentences I was forced to attend classes in Delaware County Community College. Still with no direction, I lazily attended classes. While reading I feel like you had a choice to make an effort in school to get you into a better college but you weren't quite as motivated at the time. Maybe talk about how your lack of motivation brought you to a school that you didn't quite feel was right for you.

Body- Out of respect to others attending community colleges, dont make it seem like attending Delaware County Community College was a real bad thing. Instead take a different approach and talk more about that realization, how you wanted bigger plans for yourself. Talk about things you learned in that college. <- Demonstrating a little of what you learned at Delaware Community College will as far as life lessons and about motivation will surley impress the college your trying to transfer to while at the same time it would demonstrate character development.

Conclusion- Expand ! talk more about why the college interests you. Your reasons for wanting to go there is not quite convincing (personally) Talk about how you always visioned yourself in the future living in a city like where the location of the school is. How now that your more motivated, you want to challenge yourself and work hard. How you want to pursue a degree in Biology and your intrigued with there program

Hope this helps somewhat lol :P

uring my first semester at Delaware County Community College, I found many friends that were in the same circumstances as me facing the same circumstances.

This made me realize how fortunate I was.

Many people had to go here to make a living, while I lazily spent my time thinking about unimportant activities. This was a huge revelation for me. I began to get a grip on my future by actually trying in class and ...

Okay, I am glad you had this revelation, and you also can enjoy writing... a new essay! I want this one to be a warm up exercise. Write a new essay, and explain your former apathy in a single sentence. Get it out of the way. Let the focus of the essay be on your vision of the future... what you want to accomplish in these next few years at Temple. Show the reader something.

Don't keep the same old cliche about a student waking up and deciding to try. Show the reader something great. A glimpse of the near future.