Well, we all know that colleges look at the common app essay. My essay goes under the first option of the common app essay:Write about a significant experience and its impact on you.
So, I decided to write mine on Taekwondo.
I need feed back on my essay and places where I could improve my essay. I am not really worried on the grammar right now (First draft), i just want to know if the essay is good and ideas for changes that I could implement. I also know I will change my title, so there no need for critiquing there. Basically, I want to know if it follows the essay prompt and how to make it stronger
Thank you all.
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The Great Mistake
It was time. "You and You", Master Hasan yelled for my third sparring contest of the day. I was exhausted, drenched in sweat, and light headed. The magnitude of the moment was enormous as my peers were watching me spar. I looked down at
the white belt, trying to understand how I got to this moment. Then, before I could blink, I saw a guillotine-like kick right at my head. It sent shockwaves through my brain and before I comprehend anything, I was pelted by a barrage of kicks that
sent me to the corner. Finally, the whistle blew and the torture was over.
I still remember the first day that I stepped into that Taekwondo room (dojang), I knew I would face adversity. First of all, I was shy child, who never wanted to learn anything new. I was unfit, muscle-less, and immature. As I stepped into the dojang, I saw a rainbow of belt colors. There were a diversity of different cultures that were learning this martial art with respect and admiration. I wasn't even close to having the admiration of Taekwondo, just like my belt showed. The first few months of Taekwondo were very tough. I was a white belt and didn't feel that I had a chance to go up in rank. I was nervous because of the stern instructors who would persuade me to work hard and made me do things that I thought I could never do. Master Frielo, the devoted head instructor of my Taekwondo school, helped me one-on-one with my weaknesses. His demeanor and personality had forced me to change my attitude toward Taekwondo. I worked tirelessly each class and became more mature. As time went on, I learned different patterns, self-defense techniques, and strength exercises. It was a revolution for me; these few classes with Master Frielo had changed my outlook of Taekwondo. I quickly went up the ranks and became part of my Taekwondo community. I started to enjoy Taekwondo as a chance to relax after a long day's work.
All my hard work had been ushered into one fine Saturday morning. It was a belt testing time for my green belt. It was a sparring match against the same person who had beaten me up when I was a white belt. In my sparring match, I used a 45 degrees round house kick, which shocked my opponent because it is a sparingly used kick in sparring. After the belt test, Master Frielo responded with my smile. The first smile I had seen in my instructor's face, and then he responded by saying "perfect". This was my apex of Taekwondo career, one that took a tragic turn.
By the middle of 9th grade, I was busy with different examinations at schools, so Taekwondo was becoming a lower priority. I gradually had to miss classes and prematurely end my Taekwondo career. At first, I was happy that I could get in more time to do different things. But, after thinking about how far I could have gone into Taekwondo, I realize that I had made a mistake. A mistake that still haunts me to this day. I realized that I lost my chance to became a great martial artist and become stronger. I left behind many of my friends and instructors; I lost the potential to become a black belt. But, as I learned from Taekwondo, I know I can't give up. I am hoping to rejoin my Taekwondo team sometime soon in the future. I am hoping I can go back to those glory days that had changed my life.
______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
Thanks for the HELP!
So, I decided to write mine on Taekwondo.
I need feed back on my essay and places where I could improve my essay. I am not really worried on the grammar right now (First draft), i just want to know if the essay is good and ideas for changes that I could implement. I also know I will change my title, so there no need for critiquing there. Basically, I want to know if it follows the essay prompt and how to make it stronger
Thank you all.
______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
The Great Mistake
It was time. "You and You", Master Hasan yelled for my third sparring contest of the day. I was exhausted, drenched in sweat, and light headed. The magnitude of the moment was enormous as my peers were watching me spar. I looked down at
the white belt, trying to understand how I got to this moment. Then, before I could blink, I saw a guillotine-like kick right at my head. It sent shockwaves through my brain and before I comprehend anything, I was pelted by a barrage of kicks that
sent me to the corner. Finally, the whistle blew and the torture was over.
I still remember the first day that I stepped into that Taekwondo room (dojang), I knew I would face adversity. First of all, I was shy child, who never wanted to learn anything new. I was unfit, muscle-less, and immature. As I stepped into the dojang, I saw a rainbow of belt colors. There were a diversity of different cultures that were learning this martial art with respect and admiration. I wasn't even close to having the admiration of Taekwondo, just like my belt showed. The first few months of Taekwondo were very tough. I was a white belt and didn't feel that I had a chance to go up in rank. I was nervous because of the stern instructors who would persuade me to work hard and made me do things that I thought I could never do. Master Frielo, the devoted head instructor of my Taekwondo school, helped me one-on-one with my weaknesses. His demeanor and personality had forced me to change my attitude toward Taekwondo. I worked tirelessly each class and became more mature. As time went on, I learned different patterns, self-defense techniques, and strength exercises. It was a revolution for me; these few classes with Master Frielo had changed my outlook of Taekwondo. I quickly went up the ranks and became part of my Taekwondo community. I started to enjoy Taekwondo as a chance to relax after a long day's work.
All my hard work had been ushered into one fine Saturday morning. It was a belt testing time for my green belt. It was a sparring match against the same person who had beaten me up when I was a white belt. In my sparring match, I used a 45 degrees round house kick, which shocked my opponent because it is a sparingly used kick in sparring. After the belt test, Master Frielo responded with my smile. The first smile I had seen in my instructor's face, and then he responded by saying "perfect". This was my apex of Taekwondo career, one that took a tragic turn.
By the middle of 9th grade, I was busy with different examinations at schools, so Taekwondo was becoming a lower priority. I gradually had to miss classes and prematurely end my Taekwondo career. At first, I was happy that I could get in more time to do different things. But, after thinking about how far I could have gone into Taekwondo, I realize that I had made a mistake. A mistake that still haunts me to this day. I realized that I lost my chance to became a great martial artist and become stronger. I left behind many of my friends and instructors; I lost the potential to become a black belt. But, as I learned from Taekwondo, I know I can't give up. I am hoping to rejoin my Taekwondo team sometime soon in the future. I am hoping I can go back to those glory days that had changed my life.
______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
Thanks for the HELP!
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