"With great power, comes great responsibility" - essay for college

My future depends on this, can someone proofread my essay for college, its short.

Essay Topic #2
We frequently work in groups that are diverse in terms of culture, experiences, personalities and skills. What have you found to be the most difficult part of reaching agreements and achieving goals when working in such groups? How did you manage it? Please provide a specific example. (maximum 200 words)

The Human Heart

"With great power, comes great responsibility". A few years ago I would have said that this statement was little more than cliché. My thirteen-year-old self would have heard it from teachers, read it in books, billboards or bumper stickers but never would have thought it would apply to my life.

During our annual science fair, I was given the title of team captain by my teacher. To this day I'll never know on what basis, she had made this decision given that science is not my strongest suit. However, I chose to rise to the occasion and make the most of it.

At first I had no clue as to how I would motivate my teammates as there were no tangible rewards. I told them how the certificate can help them in school and college applications which turned out to be successful. I divided the work based on each member's specialty and made sure I did my part efficiently. That way my teammates were encouraged to so as well. In my brief period of captaincy, It taught me how be a team player and revise my skills according to my group.

We earned second place for our project, 'The Human Heart'.

Hi Shuprova, your essay is just boring and doesn't really sound like an achievement. I think you should lay out exactly one thing your team mates disagreed on.like maybe they were not interested in science and was not motivated to submit the best work.

And just telling them how the certificate can help them out in college applications does not really sound so strong. Maybe you should relate to the experience as well like you wrote they had specialties individually, maybe you also told them that an experience in such field will help them in their individual specialties.

It's a short response. Use the word count wisely rather than writing about billboards.

That's my review and I hope to read your revised response.

Shuprova, the essay that you delivered is too matter of fact. It does not deliver the pivotal twist in your narrative which is, according to the prompt, how you dealt with people who had different ideas, backgrounds, and ideologies in life. This essay does not tell us anything about the differences within the group and how you managed to handle the differences to the point where you were able to get them to cooperate with each other on the project so that it could be successfully completed. The fact that you won second place for your project would have been more significant if you had discussed the discord within the group and the difficulties that you, as a leader encountered before you were able to create a cohesive group. The essay is testing your leadership skills. How effectively can you delegate work among people who do not get along? What steps did you have to take in order to make them work together? This is all about the reviewer learning about how you handle stress and pressure in an academic situation. Right now, there are no clear leadership abilities being displayed in your essay.

@chizy7
@Holt
oh my god thank you guys so much, this is the kind of criticism i was looking for. thank you again. ill be sure to post the revised one.

Your essay seems too generic. Make it personal, How it effects you.

@shuprova
Your introduction is too long that it takes a considerable amount of space you can add to detail your leadership responsibility.
I think you should start right straight with your science fair, and then detail what was your group's goal, how you interacted with your fellows, whether there were some problems involving disagreements between individuals and as a leader, how you dealt with it; how you connect your fellows together to a common goal.

That's some suggestions. You don't have to bring them into your essay cause the words are limited. Conclude your essay with a sentence or two, maybe highlighting your achievement or your lessons.