Green Bay, Help with UC-Berkeley Admission Essay

Hi I need help editing and need opinions and things I should change on my application essay to UC-Berkeley.

Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"Green Bay Tower, this is Cirrus Two-One-Five Sierra Romeo turning final to runway three-six, for landing," I unknowingly snuck in before the commercial plane could say anything on the radio. "Delta Regional Jet, this is Green Bay Tower, hold-short runway three-six for the Cirrus on final. Report visual."

As I taxied by the rather daunting Boeing 747, I could just imagine what the pilots of the commercial jet I had deferred were thinking, let alone the hundreds of eager passengers delayed for no apparent reason, impatiently waiting to depart from Green Bay. I had not given much thought to this seemingly ordinary event until I had returned to the flight line and tethered down the single-engine plane. That is when I realized the sheer extent of the effect my single action had, almost gone unnoticed. This example gave me reassurance that no matter what I do, the effects are perceived, even though I may be unaware of them. My goal has been changed ever since that blustery day on the flight line. I would now make the unintentional, intentional and control the effects of my intentions.

Just as a baby, who, coming out of the darkness of the womb, experiences the light of the world for the first time, and like a child who has never known anything outside of its house finally ventures out of his neighborhood and becomes conscious of the city it lives in, I too have experienced and become aware of an even greater reality of this planet, The Earth. Every time the Cirrus SR20 lifts off the ground I perceive Earth as a whole; in a single, collective experience of all preceding it. This is what changed my perspective on life. This is what changed my goal of life.

Flying has been a dream of mine since my first flight to Orlando when I was four, peeking out the window to the sight of rolling hills, beautiful rivers, and my tiny toy cars zipping around on the equally small roads. Then to see the Appalachian Mountains, the biggest thing I had ever seen and known at age four was now under my feet. This complete contradiction to what I knew is what makes flying an experience every time, without redundancy. This, however, does not come without sacrifices, including less time for friends, the addition of another couple textbooks, and sometimes less time with my family. Nonetheless, flight has changed the way I view the world, and in growing up with this perception from a young age, it has altered my thoughts from the mainstream.

I guess it is just something about the ability to fly, to be able to transcend the ordinary, the normal ideals of the world that makes me feel accomplished. Every time the plane lifts off the runway the entire perspective of life in itself turns around, and murmurs, "Come down." This view of the world has caused me to recognize and put thought on the bigger problems which affect the entire world, knowing there is more out there than the small town of Green Bay. The only perspective more inclusive of humanity and the world than this one is from space, but I think this should be enough, for now.

Also I am working on the second prompt and have been brainstorming ideas for it for about 3 weeks now and I really need help. All I got is that I might write about my family and flying..

Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

I greatly appreciate all comments and revisions

The overall approach is interesting. The implementation needs work. Perhaps you could start with a narrative anecdote about one of your experiences of flying for the first time -- the entire looking down on the world thing, rather than the takeoff -- then talk about what specific bigger issues are of interest to you. Maybe you saw the beauty of the forest spread out below and knew you had to fight to protect the environment, or some such. Then, tie that goal into what you hope to accomplish at UC-Berkeley . . .

Okay thank you so much!

Also, I have been working on the intro to the first prompt for about three weeks now. Please comment or give me some ideas.

Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from--for example, your family, community or school--and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Humans' origin from clay-according to the story of Adam and Eve-creates a spectacle all can attest to. All humans are but a ball of clay when they are born, clean, blank slates. Everyone that baby meets molds him physically, mentally, and spiritually with dexterous fingers. Soon the infant grows up and becomes a work of art-unique and extraordinary-due to every person who shaped him. We are all the clay, and we are the potters. We are shaped by experience and by the world we live in, but mostly we are sculpted by those who we have lived with for the first seventeen years of our lives, our family.

I come from a relatively large family with three sisters. When my two youngest twin sisters were born all attention was switched from me onto them. Leadership and independence was forced upon me at age five. I really had no choice. My oldest sister has also set high standards to which my parents' expectations exceed for me. Having been sculpted to give all my effort on everything from a young age has in turn molded my dreams, setting---That is all I have so far.

Thank you in advance for everything.
Aaron

Please I need edits and new ideas for my essay

And according to at least one scientific theory of the origin of life. But how can this unseen and as yet unverified process be considered a spectacle?


Channeling John Locke and his predecessors I see. Much to be said for his philosophy, but no one actually believes humans are born as blank slates anymore.


This and the rest of your first paragraph are really quite good.


How so? Having your parents focus more on your sisters may have forced you to be more independent, I guess, though I imagine they didn't entirely abandon you to your own devices when you were five as a result. Leadership, though? You will need to explain this in more detail.


This sense not sentence make does. Revise.


Well, keep going -- you clearly need to say more before you are done.

Thank you for your input that is a lot of help.

But I don't know how else to end the first sentence.

Well, what do you actually mean? That the notion that humans were born from clay is a compelling myth? That it is an inspiring metaphor? That it has universal resonance? My point is that your current phrasing clearly doesn't say what you mean, so, you need to revise it to say whatever you do mean.

Okay thank you that helped quite a bit.

Do you know of any other examples I could relate to my life/family/community in my extended metaphor of the human being clay?

Do I know of any examples of experiences you have had? No, no I don't. If you want to try to relate some of your experiences and try to connect them to your topic, though, I can tell you if the connection works or not.

I want to tie something about me not choosing my family into the metaphor of the clay but I'm not sure how. I know it has potential

Also, when you commented about my sentence with the blank slate did you mean I should take that out because it is outdated?

Well, you didn't get to choose the composition of your genes, anymore than a clay pot gets to choose the trace minerals in its own substance. And like the pot, you were shaped without much say in the process. The problem with elaborating on this metaphor, though, is it doesn't give you much room to talk about you as an actor in control of your own life. In fact, you can't talk about yourself like that at all without breaking away from the metaphor. But, you don't want to portray yourself as entirely passive. Something for you to think about.

Okay good point, I guess the metaphor doesn't have to span the entire essay.

Also, when you commented about my sentence with the blank slate did you mean I should take that out because it is outdated?

Yeah. We now know that babies are born with an awful lot of stuff built-in. The capacity for language acquisition comes to mind. Your general idea that babies are largely raw material that get molded by their environment is fine, but the term "blank slate" refers to a specific philosophical concept that doesn't really work.

Here is my final (kinda) essay for prompt 1 of UC-Berkeley.

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Please edit/comment/proof.

Humans' origin from clay-according to the story of Adam and Eve-contains universal resonance in a very inspiring metaphor. All humans are but a ball of clay when they are born. Everyone that baby meets molds him physically, mentally, and spiritually with dexterous fingers. Soon the infant grows up and becomes a work of art-unique and extraordinary-due to every person who shaped him. We are all the clay, and we are the potters. We are shaped by experience and by the world we live in, but mostly we are sculpted by those who we have lived with for the first seventeen years of our lives, our family.

I come from a relatively large family with three sisters. When my two youngest twin sisters were born all attention was turned from me onto them. As with all twins, they were a lot of work. Eating time was a free-for-all. My mom and I trying to grind up baby food as they threw it at each other and laughed, all with a dozen puppies scampering underfoot. A great deal of leadership and independence was forced upon me at age four. I really had no choice. Once we got a baby-sitter who could handle four little kids, my reliability was tested. I had to control one of the twins as the sitter took care of the other. If something happened, I needed to know what, when, and how it happened, while thoughts of I'm a big boy now raced through my head. I guess I decided to be an engineer that same night, as the planning and execution of the machine dubbed "The Sitter Catcher" highlighted my creativity at five. Ahead twelve years to the present, the development of a more efficient solar panel tops my ingenuity.

My parents' expectations of me continue to be raised with my older sister having been accepted into a high-end college. Experiences like these have just gone to sculpt devotion into the statuette of my life. In addition, my interest in developing better ways to accomplish tasks and in creating new technologies defines me as an engineer. Effort simply cannot be deficient in my life. This is what has in turn molded my dreams, setting goals even high for engineers. Goals of finding a new inhabitable planet, becoming an astronaut and reaching Mars, and even saving the planet we currently live on.

Ever since a little boy, flying has been a dream and goal of mine. The thrill of height combined with speed was overwhelming to me at that age. Today, that dream has become a reality. My achievement in becoming a pilot has gone to show that my goals are in fact attainable.

Since my first year of high school, I have "taken flight" and allowed my true self to show. Now I have realized my full potential and have acquired the skill to fly over my previous roadblocks on the interstate of life.

Here's my problem with this sentence: The story of Adam and Eve is not universal and absolutely does not resonate universally. Virtually all human cultures have some sort of origin story, but the story of Adam and Eve specifically probably would not resonate with someone from a culture who believes that the first people rode up from the underground on the back of a turtle.

In short, your reference to one very specific origin myth contradicts your use of the phrase "universal resonance" later in the sentence.

Apart from that logical contradiction is the problem that Berkeley in particular will be wanting students who have a rudimentary understanding of cultural diversity and will not, for example, assume that everybody resonates to the story of Adam and Eve. Find a way to rephrase your opening so as not to undercut the rest of your essay.