Please give me feedbacks and comments on my personal statement! My worry is that it is too generic and boring. Any advice and comments would be appreciated!!!
Warm and fluffy, appearing in May --
It is poplar catkin seed.
The first time I encountered it, my heart palpitated in awe.
I grew up in the rural countryside of China, having much more chance to interact with nature and the living world than the generation born and raised in cities of steel and concrete. One early summer afternoon, I went to a pond to search for tadpoles. Suddenly, I saw some white flocci fluttering in the air from the trees surrounding the pond. Some of these cotton-like substances floated into water, some landed on the grass, and some danced in the wind to remote places. At first I thought these were flowers wafted to the air by the breeze. However, I became increasingly surprised that after several hours, the trees were still releasing the miniature clouds silently yet determinedly. The whole afternoon, the white soft elves parachuted from the trees nonstop. I visited the place again the next day, and the situation did not change. The ground was already covered with fluffy "snow". Later I learned in biology that these trees were disseminating their seeds by wind, but at that single moment, I was deeply touched by something indescribable. The grandeur of that scene reminded me of the preciousness of life, manifest through the extravagant investment of nature on the production of new lives.
Since young, the idyllic environment and extensive interaction with nature had elicited a curiosity on life and engraved deep in me an ardent interest for biological science. When I explored freely in nature, the upstanding trees, the verdant hills, the ripening crops, the blooming flowers, the lively animals, with their overflowing vitality, always infused me with exuberance, and catalyzed the explosion of my affection and passion for life, which had been soaring in me.
As I grew older, I began to learn biology, in which many interesting phenomena I had encountered in childhood were resurfaced; to me, knowledge in biology means more than dry concepts or correct answers to test questions. I was able to connect science with tangible life, since I frequently find the corroboration of scientific theories from my experience. The daily scenes in my childhood become increasingly mysterious and worth of questioning.
Longing for more opportunities to learn, I came to the United States. The study and pursuit of research in molecular biology opened up my vision to life. Beneath the interesting phenomena, I see deep and intrinsic mechanisms of life at the levels of cells and molecules that are fundamentals of all life events. Life is not merely the beautiful nature, the lively animals and the thriving plants, but also the cells that produce proteins and other molecules to sustain the life. The more I learned, the deeper understanding I get, the more curious I became toward the greatness and mysteriousness of the life. Not speaking of the complicated lives of human and animal, even in a cell, there is much yet to be discovered. In the laboratory, I once again become the young girl standing beside the pond with flocci floating around, eager to understand the inexhaustible mysteries of the living world.
Maybe after the day and night dissemination, few of the seeds of poplar can find a home and sprout, but at least one small catkin from that summer had landed in heart, rooted and grown into a strong admiration, love and commitment.
I liked the first paragraph where you have attached a personal story.
"When I explored freely in nature, the upstanding trees, the verdant hills, the ripening crops, the blooming flowers, the lively animals, with their overflowing vitality, always infused me with exuberance, and catalyzed the explosion of my affection and passion for life, which had been soaring in me."
This sentence is really really long. Perhaps, you should shorten it a bit.
Towards the end, the essay gets a little boring but i don't think you should worry about that. You have accomplished to reflect the type of person you are in the essay and that is what admissions officers are looking for.
Hi, I love the way you related to a personal anecdote that is common but unique in your perception of the idea, and how you grew up to be as passionate about biological sciences as you were a kid. I am applying for biomedical engineering myself, so I can see your passion and motivation toward your dream.
Maybe after the day and night dissemination, few of the seeds of poplar can find a home and sprout, but at least one small catkin from that summer had landed in heart, rooted and grown into a strong admiration, love and commitment.
This sentence is pretty good, I think. I'm especially into this kind of stories.
I think you should add a few sentences about how you worked toward your passion on biology, like participating in lab activities, etc. But you already sound pretty good when you explained the what the concept"live" is to you, so you will be fine if you don'y want to.
And as impatient101 said, you should make modifications to your sentences, maybe have a literature teacher read your essays.
Good luck! Hope you get in your dream school.
Haha, thanks for the advice! I was afraid that experience in lab may be too boring, but maybe I should present it in a different way.
It is the poplar catkin seed.
I grew up in the rural countryside of China, having much more chance to interact with nature and the living world than the generation born and raised in cities of steel and concrete. -- Growing up in the rural countryside of China, I had many opportunities to interact with nature and the living world (I don't get the point of the second part. Why are you comparing yourself to some other generation?)
and some danced away in the wind to remote places
At first I thought these were flowers had wafted in to the air by the breeze.
I became increasingly surprised when after several hours
silently, yet determinedly
the white soft elves -- I don't understand how these seeds share a resemblance with elves. If I am wrong, please explain it to me :)
Later I learned in Biology class that
Later I learned in biology that those trees were disseminating their seeds by wind;
Since then , extensive interaction with nature has elicited in me a curiosity about life, an ardent interest for biological sciences. The upstanding trees, the verdant hills, the ripening crops, the blooming flowers, the lively animals, with their overflowing vitality always infuse me with exuberance and renewed energy.
To me, biology means more than dry concepts or correct answers to test questions; it means a connection with Mother Earth. As I grew older and learned advanced biology, many interesting phenomena that I had encountered in childhood resurfaced and I was able to connect my experiences with scientific theories. The daily scenes in my childhood become increasingly mysterious and worth of questioning.
investment of nature in the production
I am sorry I can't edit further as I have to complete my own supplements, but there are a few grammatical errors in the last two paragraphs as well. If possible, get those checked by an English teacher.
Overall, I think your use of imagery is simply amazing, and I can actually feel how much you love biology. Hopefully the admission committee will too :D
Good luck, and if possible please critique my second Macalester supplement (the one of diversity).
