Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
My cousin Raiyan and I were both 6 years old when his father passed away. My parents had received a frantic call from his mother about my uncle having a sudden cardiac arrest just after midnight. While everyone rushed to the hospital, I was left to stay over at Raiyan's house with strict instructions to not tell him what was happening.
Two days had gone by with all of us keeping Raiyan in the dark. The absence of his father was making him grow more and more anxious until he finally started lashing out. Unable to obtain answers from the adults, he looked towards me in desperation and asked, "You won't lie to me. Please, where is he?" I decided to do what I thought right and responded, "I'm very sorry Raiyan, but he isn't coming back." I was moved to another room immediately as he began crying uncontrollably. A sea of guilt swept over me.
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I think it would be cool if you elaborated a little bit on the night you were with Raiyan and were left with strict instructions. The end of the first paragraph left me wanting more. Also, I feel like this is more about Raiyan and less about you. Perhaps include some things about how each of the things that happened to Raiyan affected you, and how it made you feel. Good luck!
Saiara, you did an excellent job of paralleling your story with Raiyan's. It showed how your actions provided benefits to both of you that were central to the development of both your identities. However, I would do as Lauren advised and concentrate more on the effects of your actions in protecting and helping your cousin in the context of how it helped you further developed your skills and character traits. Explaining how waning to protect him helped you develop your ability to empathize with people and assist them with their trials in life would be a nice touch to the essay. Try to concentrate on yourself more than Raiyan. I understand that the story parallels but there are ways to tell your story while only skimming over your cousin's. Try doing that so that the essay will improve content-wise :-)
In the beginning of the essay, try to limit the amount of periods, also one tiny grammar error I noticed, replace the #6 with 'six'.
Thank you so much for the feedback!
So I added some more details about myself, but I crossed the word limit. It's supposed to be 650 words at most, mine has 677.
Can someone help me edit please?
Saiara, I brought it down to 621 words and included some grammar revisions already. Let me know if this works for you or if you have any questions :-)
My cousin Raiyan and I were six years old when his father passed away. I was left at Raiyan's house with strict instructions to not tell him what was happening.Two days had gone by with all of us keeping Raiyan in the dark. The absence of his father was making him grow more and more anxious until he finally started lashing out. Unable to obtain answers from the adults, he looked towards me in desperation and asked, "You won't lie to me. Please, where is he?" I decided to do what I thought was right and responded, "I'm very sorry Raiyan, but he isn't coming back." I was moved to another room immediately as he began crying uncontrollably. A sea of guilt swept over me.
That was the day I took it upon myself to do whatever it took to make Raiyan's life easier. I realized the need to develop a sense of maturity and empathy. I tried to be the best friend I could be to him, ensuring he had someone to play with whenever he felt alone. I learned to tolerate his random fits and to calm him down. I taught myself ways to keep him distracted while his mother left for work. We bonded over puzzles, books and a daily game of pretend, where we embarked on imaginary adventures as scientists, astronauts, or racecar drivers.
Keeping my promise became difficult by the time we became teenagers. As I got more occupied with school and new friends, Raiyan fell victim to obesity and bullying. His frustration made his grades fall. Watching him suffer made me feel helpless. Defending him on every occasion was neither possible for me, nor preferred by him. For a while, there was nothing I could do other than encouraging him to just be patient.
Things started to change for the better when I sparked his interest in doing extracurricular activities with me. I challenged myself to participate in as many vigorous pursuits as possible in order to have him do so as well. I joined the football team and convinced him to join the basketball team. I joined the community service club in an effort to start campaigns against bullying; he joined the business club to improve his interactive skills. We introduced each other to our friends and made time to study together. As I watched him become healthier and happier, I noticed myself feeling more content and optimistic.
It was only a few months ago when he paid me a random visit to say, "You may not remember this, but the day my father died, you were the only person who chose to be honest to me. I'm glad it was you who broke it to me."
Although his words were meant to give me closure, I still don't know whether what I did that day was right or wrong. However, seeing his accomplishments today, I am no longer bothered. He is now a shining example for hope and hard work among his peers, being the best student in his class and having the biggest heart.
Experiencing the death of a loved one at an early age is an incomprehensible ordeal that can lead children to lose their way and make poor life choices. I am proud to say that that is not the case with Raiyan. The loss of my uncle did shape the people that he and I are today, but our efforts are equally responsible. Witnessing his positive transformation helped me form my own identity. Because of him, I have learned the significance of kindness and that I shouldn't be afraid of making my own choices. I only hope that I continue learning and sharing lessons like these in the future.
Perfect! Thank you soooooo much :D :D