Guitar player - Essay about an interest you have pursued outside academic classes

playing guitar

Playing guitar is one of my favorite recreational activities after a hard working day. It was three years ago when I decided to spread my wings and participate in a guitar class. At the very first time, it was pretty hard for me to catch up with the lessons, but I tried to get used to it by practicing as much as possible, then I progressively ameliorated my guitar skills. Therefore, without determination, patience and passion on guitar, I would not have continued this hobby until now. Furthermore, playing guitar also does wonders for some of my skills. Particularly, I can manage to do different works at the same time, for instance, singing and playing guitar chords. Hence, this definitely gives me a chance to increase my memory power and develop my organisation skill as well. In short, by playing guitar, I have acquired patience, determination and useful skills. (149/150 words)

Hi Uyen. You shouldn't use words like "therefore", "furthermore", "particularly" and made your essay looks like a TOEFL essay that's trying to prove a point. Instead, you should show your passion for guitar. I would suggest that you write a story happened between you and your guitar to make you essay more interesting to read.

Uyen, you should revise the essay to first explain what drew you to guitar classes and why you decided to pursue it as a hobby. You discuss the action of playing the guitar as something so mechanical that it seems like you were trying to relate it to your academic interest in some way. That is not the purpose of this statement response. Rather, you are being asked to share an activity that helps you to relax after school. The reviewer wants to know if you have any talents that could be of benefit to the student community. As a guitar player, maybe you have plans of joining the university orchestra or volunteering to teach others how to play. You don't always have to justify your activities in terms of being a student. Sometimes, as in the case of this essay, the reviewer just wants to get to know you beyond your academic interests and personality. Who else can you be other than a student? Try to use a more casual tone in this essay. Terms like Furthermore, Amelioration, and Therefore are a bit too formal for this semi-formal response. Keep the respectful tone, but be less academic about it. Think of how you speak to your parents, that is the tone you can use here.